23 April 2012

Day 8 - Existing For Others

Today is my 8th day writing of within the Process of the 7 years Journey to Life - and the point I wanted to touch on was 'writing for me - living for me'. And first before I begin - what's fascinating that I just noticed.. is that when writing physically the number 8 - how I write it, I start at a point, and loop around until I end up back at the same point I started. This I can see is where I wanted to go within my writing. I start with myself in that these words are produced from me... then I go on a journey throughout myself and my mind and attempt to do things for others, like writing and my participating - yet I am always brought back to myself. To self - to where I begin - to see where I started from - the origin. In general this is what this Process is about - getting back to where we started from - the darkness from which we emerged. While we have been busy 'out there' in our minds of projected realities - we are busy walking ourselves back to the beginning - back to where we started from - and we must... do... this... for... OURSELVES.

We cannot do this for anyone but ourselves. Because within doing this for ourselves - in self honesty - we are doing it for all of ourselves as equals and as one. Yet if my starting point for being/living/writing/breathing is for a point separate from me here - then I am fucked as I am then abusing myself within not seeing me - ignoring me - not allowing myself to realize Who I am here in relation to All. The Key is Self - practically - physically and this process can only be walked for ourselves.

This point is major within my life and this is only the first layer. I have always lived for others. Dressed in a certain way for others - spoken a certain way for others - wrote for how I appeared to others... Living my whole life in fear of others - how they will see me - think of me - perceive me. And I can see this point when I gift myself with reflecting the mirror back to myself - is I am seeking for myself - in how I see myself, how I perceive myself - how I live myself. Fear of not liking who I am so instead project this onto others in blaming them for causing my fear of who I am - and what I accept and allow.

So I bring myself back to myself in living for me. Investigating myself for Me. Supporting myself for me. Changing myself for Me - as within freeing myself for me - I am then a benefit to all as me. Once I have allowed myself to Live for me - then I can truly live for others in supporting others to live for them. It always in all ways starts with Self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live for others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself in certain ways - according to how I perceive others will want to see me/hear me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within fear of others and how they perceive me as my starting point for living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself through valuing others and their perceptions of me more then seeing me here - more then valuing myself here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in separation of myself here through living for others - based in fear of how they will see/perceive me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present a fake image and presentation of myself through the desire based in fear of others accepting me

I forgiv myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that how others perceive me matters, instead of realizing this is projection of how I will see myself - how I do see myself and thus I take back self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live my life for others - so others will like me or love me or accept me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept myself and thus seek acceptance in others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not love me and thus seek love from others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not value me here and thus seek value separate from me here through/as others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in self dishonesty through living the way I believe/perceive others will like me the most

I forgive myself that I haven't yet allowed myself to accept myself here in every moment within realizing this is actually LIving

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write for others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to ignore myself through seeking validation and acceptance from others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my world and reality for others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to please others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can change for others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can walk this process for others

I forgive myself that I havent yet allowed myself to walk this Process for Me - in gifting myself with Life so that all may have Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if others are not pleased with me and do not like me - then I am fucked and alone and lonely without realizing that alone within myself is who I really am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my whole fucking existence based on others and how they see me

I stop this Here

I commit myself to Live for ME - bringing myself back to honoring myself as Life and stopping the self abuse in seeking myself through others

I commit myself to stopping the desire of others acceptances and learn to accept myself here

I commit myself to stopping the fear of how others will see me and allow myself to Live for Me

I commit myself to living in self honesty wherein I give to myself that which I have separated from myself through placing the responsibility of myself as my existence of who I am into/as others

I commit myself to bringing myself back together again within realizing all that is 'out there' is actually right here - within and as my very being as the flesh I walk and thus I commit myself to learn about me - investigate me - see me so that I might see others as me

I commit myself to stopping the self abuse as ignoring myself through placing value on others more then me here

I commit myself to walk this process for me - honoring me as Life - and allowing myself to Live that life that is Me as that which is best for all

When and as I see myself existing and participating in living 'for others' - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself as who I am as this physical body as that which is life - so I bring myself back to life and honor me as that which gives me life - as my physical body

When and as I see myself fearing and thus desiring others acceptance of me - I stop and breathe and bring myself back to the awareness that I am seeking me - in accepting me and thus allow myself to realizing when and as I breathe - I am accepting me - as life as who I really am

I allow myself to realizing the simplicity of/as Life as the breathe - I commit myself to walk simplicity

When and as I see myself presenting myself in ways that I believe others want me to be - I stop and breathe and bring me back to me and see what I am accepting and allowing - self abuse and thus I stop myself in this moment and start living for me - giving to me that whcih I desire in every moment - self love, self acceptance, self validation that self is here

When and as I see myself defining my existence based on others - I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to me within realizing this is separation - so I stop and bring myself back to me where I exist here as all as one as equal - as the source which we are - which is the physical and so I breath bringing myself back to gether again and no more allowing myself to be defined by something/someone separate and outside of me here