Kristina's Journey to Life

30 November 2016

510: I'll Just Do it Tomorrow...

Have you ever told yourself you'll do it tomorrow? That tomorrow is the opportunity to make that change? Thinking somehow tomorrow things will be different, be better for the moment to change. I saw this point within me today, as I was not completely satisfied with myself today, the thought of, "tomorrow I will do it better/right" as all the things I did not allow myself to do today. Thinking tomorrow is the clean slate, the opportunity to start over. And then I realized. I am still here. Today is still here. Tomorrow will never come, and why not do today what I think I will do tomorrow. If I'm not willing to do it today, what makes me think tomorrow will be any different?

And so as a point of proving to myself that I will not waste my day in waiting for tomorrow, I decided to act today. To change today. To move myself today to do that which I wanted to put off for tomorrow.

Tomorrow will never arrive, and you will be waiting your whole life. What are you putting off? What are you thinking you can do better tomorrow? What can you change/apply/live today to support yourself in this moment? All we have is what is here, in this moment. We are only ever here. Real-time change is what we have to prove to ourselves we can, and will change/apply/live. Why put off something for tomorrow that you can do it today? Stop fooling yourself in thinking 'tomorrow' will be the magic day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off for tomorrow what I can do today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as the statement of, "tomorrow I will do it"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to discard today, to be able to start over tomorrow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that tomorrow is a solution rather than implementing change today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe tomorrow things will be better, yet not willing to make today better through self change in a real time moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe any problems I face today that I'm not willing to direct/walk through that somehow tomorrow I will

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I'm not willing to change today, tomorrow is not any more likely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of the time I have today for the promises of some tomorrow

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I only have today, today I am here and the tomorrow I keep promising myself with will never come... it does not in fact exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fool myself within the belief that tomorrow is better than today

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to maximize the potential of today and instead wait for a tomorrow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if today I am not feeling to my utmost potential, or have not directed myself within my absolute best ability, that tomorrow will be another opportunity instead of realizing that the moment I am thinking 'tomorrow is better to direct my utmost potential...' is the EXACT moment I have to change TODAY

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to implement the real time change of HERE and now, changing in THIS moment what I think I could just do tomorrow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a constant state of procrastination when I say I will do it tomorrow, or do it later

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to take responsibility for who I am HERE, in this moment, in this day, and instead put off the potential of self-direction within self-responsibility for tomorrow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put of the inevitable for perhaps tomorrow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in the maybe tomorrow, rather than the certainity of today

When and as I see myself existing within/as the statement of, "I will do it tomorrow, or later..." I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that tomorrow does not exist, and while I'm waiting for tomorrow, I am squandering the opportunity I have today, that I have HERE and so I commit myself to rather putting off, and pushing aside my potential that is HERE today for some illusionary tomorrow, to embrace the moments I have here, as my today, as the opportunity to change in real time

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that 'tomorrow will be better' to do something, or say something, or change something, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this statement is an excuse to not apply that change, or make that statement, or take that action today as a real-time moment of change, and while I'm busy thinking about doing something tomorrow, I am taking advantage of the time I have today, in that very moment. And so I commit myself to not allow myself to exist within any excuse that puts of the responsibility and opportunity I have IN THIS MOMENT to live, act, speak, express within my utmost potential

When and as I see myself constantly putting stuff off for later, or for tomorrow, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this constantly putting stuff off for later, or for tomorrow is a state of resistance, and that which I resist will persist and so instead of continuously putting myself through this, I commit myself to face, and walk through that which I resist... doing today what I can today, rather than abdicating it to another day, or to some future time. I realize that future time will never exist, if I'm not willing to do it today

I commit myself to embrace myself today

I commit myself to direct myself today

I commit myself to not take advantage of today

I commit myself to stop waiting for tomorrow

I commit myself to push myself today

I commit myself to apply myself today

I commit myself to move myself today

I commit myself to live for/as/with Today




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29 November 2016

509: Pushing Another to Improve before I Improve Myself

Today I noticed an experience within me in relation to another. I had in a way forced this person to stand in the shoes of someone they often complain about. In this particular moment, they were now in the same position, and so I suggested they act how they would like the one they complain about so much to act, now that they are in that position. So it was in a way getting someone to see who they are in the same position/responsibility, and to see if they would choose differently then what they've seen in another. If they would do it differently then how they've seen someone else do it, and clearly not be satisfied with.

I could tell they were not happy about it. I in a way felt guilty, like I pushed this person to do 'what is right', without them actually making the decision. When I look back at the moment now, I can see I was basically showing this person how they were now in the position to change, to correct the behavior they have seen, and disliked about another, when they are in that position/role. And suggested that they should be the one to show what is 'should' be like - how they would like it to be.

I see the guilt was because I was not totally clear in my suggestion to this person. Meaning - it was based in a reaction. I later could see, and asked myself, 'what if I was in that position, would I take advantage as these other two have?' And I can clearly see that yes, I would have. Perhaps not now, but who I've been in the past, and throughout my life, I would have absolutely taken advantage of such a position, where I basically get an 'easy ride', yet the same benefits of others even though they did more work.

So while the moment played out with this person I was speaking with, it really still comes back to me. Who am I in that position? And who am I in general at in this environment?

I notice that I have had a lot of conflict within me in relation to these particular people in my life. Sometimes it's not about them at all, meaning - it's more of me not taking responsibility for some aspects/areas of my life, and so I project blame unto them as me not taking self-responsibility, so there is just like an annoyance/irritation towards them. Other times though it's particular behaviors they participate in that act as a trigger for my own internal conflict/frustrations, and that is where I need to step it up.

What I wanted from this person was to take responsibility, and be the change... to live the example, as how they would like others to be. Because they always are upset with how this other person acts in a particular role, I said, "here you go... you are now in the same position, and if you don't do anything different from this other person, you have no more right to complain about it." Yet, I see that I have room for improvement myself. I still participate in certain behaviors that if I were to stop participating in, would be an example for others - a more supportive one, and would thus be the one that is doing things differently, and showing change.

So I see I have room to expand my application - of becoming a living example. It's easy to talk about how things should be different, but it comes down to whether you can actually live those words. Who are you in that same position/role/responsibility? Would you really do things differently than what you see in others? Are you really any different to those you complain about?

I definitely can change, and become more directive in myself when it comes to these particular people in my life, and how I interact and engage with them. I know I have not been living my utmost potential with them. That is my self-honesty, and that is where my responsibility is... it is not to force another to change, or be the change, or live the example. I must do that first myself. I must be the one to change, to live the example.





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27 November 2016

508: An Appalling Death

Today I was talking to a friend, and he was mentioning some kind of accident in his area, where a family of four died on a theme park ride. It was something like a freak accident, though the point he brought up was we seem to make such a big fuss about those kind of things - when someone dies in such an accident, yet people die every day, thousands of people every day from preventable things.

I could see how we may be more shocked or appalled at such deaths because they happen in a place where we basically pay to be entertained, and to fuel positive energy. It's suppose to be 'happy places' - so when something like death happens, it like shocks and appalls everyone.

Though what is more appalling is that we allow people to die every day just because they don't have the money to buy food, or clean water, or provide themselves with proper resources. The thing that is most appalling is that everyday people are neglected from having access to the basic needs, and the physical resources that are provided by the Earth in abundance for all - but because of our greed, our ignorance, our deliberate neglect of life, we are not appalled at such things. We simply accept is as the way of life.

So when someone dies on an amusement park ride, we are taken aback. But when thousands more die everyday because they lack the proper care from humanity, we brush it off; we don't even think twice. This is not to make light of people losing their lives at amusement parks in any way - this is simply a question of why aren't ALL deaths seen in an equal way?

Our priorities are all messed up. Time to correct this. Take notice of the things that happen every day, yet we brush under the rug. or look past, or don't give enough attention to. Then look at what gets our attention, our shock, our surprise, and our focus. Do these things really matter?

Death happens every day, and not just in the ways that make headline news. It happens everyday, even though it's preventable. That is more newsworthy than anything. And that is what should be catching, and keeping our attention - at least until we stop it. Because we can... we have the technology to give EVERYONE a dignified life. Not just for a few.

So don't be fooled by the attention grabbing, trending, celebrity gossip, or latest political buzz, or even the cute cat videos. These are all distractions. Focus on what matters. And we start by taking note about what matters in our life - prioritizing. Making sure we are giving the proper and attention to what matters in our day to day lives, and not just what keeps us busy and complacent.

The ignorance of the masses is the ignorance of the individual. And if we don't care, we can't expect anyone else to care. So be the change. Start with yourself. Live the example of Life that truly cares.





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25 November 2016

507: Creating Physical Exhaustion through Mental Exertion part 2

Continuing from yesterdays blog - the following is the self-forgiveness to support in stabilizing myself in relation to who I am on the days I work - working towards creating consistency within myself when I'm working, or when I have the day off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I can't do as much during my days when I work, whereas when I don't work I am much more willing to be active and productive throughout my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change who I am now that I'm back at work, doing less during the days I work within a fear of over exerting myself, and getting tired at work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I can't do as much as I can do on a day off when I'm working because the amount of energy needed for work, and so in an attempt to preserve energy, do less during my days

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change they way I direct myself when I'm working or not working, where I am less directive when I have to work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to reserve my energy when I work, thus do less during those days

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing more during the days I work within a fear that I will exert too much energy and not feel comfortable while at work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeless when I'm tired or physically uncomfortable at work and thus want to do less within my days when I'm working in hopes to prevent that experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress and worry myself when I have obligations before work that keep me out of the house for longer than I would like - to within this, create a mental exertion that cause physical tiredness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it's the physical actions I do that will cause me to be tired at work, instead of looking at how the mental stress and worry as thoughts play a part in using up the physical resources that actual cause the tiredness/exhaustion at work

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to yet realize that if I were to be less in the mind in relation to this point, I perhaps could walk a day when I work productively, active and consistent

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to yet realize that the highs and lows of my experience on the days I work, wherein I fear going into the low energy polarity, only exist within the mind, and through my participation in the mind, I am creating the very thing I fear, instead of working more in the physical - as walking breath by breath and not allowing thoughts of fear to consume me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resource my physical body for energy to exist within the mind, instead of keeping it within the physical through breathing, being present, and focusing on my physical reality/environment/actions

When and as I see myself fearing the experience of being tired at work, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the exact fear uses energy and thus can create the experience I am actually fear as having low energy/being tired at work. And so I commit myself to stop fearing, and start focusing myself more on the physical - the actions and activities to do, and spend less time in my mind fearing an experience that may happen later

When and as I see myself reacting to having to be out of the house longer than I think I should because of work, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the expectation of being out of the house for longer than intended only creates strain on the body, as my reaction uses physical resources, and so I commit myself to rather preserve my energy for my physical body and actions, and to not use it on the mind as an experience of a reaction. I commit myself to not have expectations about how my day will go if I'm busy out of the house before work, and rather walk breath by breath.

When and as I see myself wanting to do less within the days I work, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this want is based within a fear, and so I commit myself to stop living within/as fear, as having fear direct me and instead practice directing myself wherein I focus more on my breath, and my physical environment, and so my physical actions

When and as I see myself feeling trapped at work within an uncomfortable experience, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that there is nothing I can do when I'm at work and feeling physically unstable except support myself to ground myself within my physical body and so I commit myself to in such moments, embrace the experience, as embracing what is here, and support myself with breathing, and grounding myself within my physical body - not fighting it or wishing I was somewhere else

I commit myself to stop resourcing my physical body to fuel the mind as thoughts, feelings, and emotions and rather practice on breathing throughout my day, grounding myself in my physical body - focusing on using my physical resources for physical living

I commit myself to test all ways in which I can support myself within this point to create a point of consistency wherein who I am on the days I work, and the days I don't work are the same - nothing changes except what I have to do during those days - I, as the WHO I AM, remain the same

I commit myself to stop resisting doing more during the days I work, and instead practice doing more within awareness, and so support myself to be HERE for/as myself within anything/all that I have to do





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24 November 2016

506: Creating Physical Exhaustion through Mental Exertion part 1

Recently I went back to work after having a month off. An interesting change took place within me pretty much the day I went back, and that was how I become much less active on the days I work. I have been slowly accumulating this experience of like a low, less motivated me, wherein it had become more of a struggle to do things during me day, and in looking at when this specifically started I noticed it was exactly the day I went back to work.

So I was looking at this point within writing today, and I noticed this point within me of how I, in an attempt to not create an uncomfortable experience as work - such as being tired, or physical sluggish, I resist doing anything really during my day. (I work evenings, so my days are usual open.) So I attempt to preserve as much energy as I can the days I'm working, in hopes of making it through the evening shift as stable as possible.

Though what I create is, when I absolutely have to go out in the day, like for instance yesterday I had a commitment a couple hours before work, that kept me out of the house until I was done with work that evening. By the time I was heading home, I was quite physically exhausted, had a headache, and overall was not feeling good at all. Though I can see this has more to do with the ideas I create around how my experience is going to be when I'm busy on the days I work, rather than the actual activities causing the exhaustion. So basically - because of how I react to how I expect to feel (tired/exhausted) at the end of the day, I actually create it as the mental activity is more strenuous than the actual physical activities.

So an interesting pattern I can see I've been creating for myself for quite awhile though more obvious to me now because I had that time off for a month, where I was basically running around everyday doing things I wanted to do, and things I needed to do, yet completely satisfied and stable throughout it all. Whereas now, with only being back at work as the point of change, I changed. The way I direct myself during the days I work changed quite drastically to how I direct myself when I'm not working.

Another aspect to this is how I see when I'm at work, and say I'm tired, or physically uncomfortable within myself, I feel trapped in a way - like I cannot just go home, and lay down and rest. I'm at work, and must finish the shift before I can do anything else. So it's like wanting to prevent this experience of feeling trapped when I don't feel my most stable physically. And in an attempt to prevent this, the days I work, I will not dare exhaust more energy than needed, but in turn create days where I feel like I'm not living my utmost potential, or enjoying my life even. It's like I compromise a day of my life, simply because I have to work, and fear that experience of being physically tired while at work.

So something I will now practice - stopping the belief that just because I'm out and about, away from the house on the days I work, or busy with things at home, that I will automatically be tired and exhausted by the end of my work shift. When perhaps if I was not reacting as the emotional experience of fear, worry, resistance, and avoidance, I wouldn't be using the energy needed to create a consistent stability within myself physically. After all - our mind activity takes physical resource as well. If I'm consuming energy to fuel my minds emotions and reaction, that utilizes the resources that I could have for the physical labor of my job.

I will continue with this in tomorrow's blog...





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23 November 2016

505: Life beyond the Bars

Recently I was talking to someone I just met, who just got to town, and started working where I work. As we were getting to know each other, and talking about what we do outside of work, I mentioned I don't go out to the bars or clubs in town. She seemed quite startled, and asked, "What do you do then?"

This kind of gave me a chuckle inside because that is often something I reflect on - how my lifestyle might seem quite boring to a lot of people, especially because of the simple fact that I don't go out drinking or partying. That is such a huge part of people's lives, especially in their twenties, and even thirties.. the idea of not participating in such activities can seem like what else is left? I definitely had this experience when I was in my early twenties, and going out a couple times during the week... if I wasn't going out, I would often wonder what others were doing, and what I was missing out on. Almost like my life stopped on those nights where I wouldn't go out.

Yet what is most interesting is to see while I thought my life stopped when I wasn't going out, I can actually see how much less active my life was before I started walking the Desteni I Process - how much I just gave into the 'norms' of society as being 'what you do' without question. Since stopping drinking, and my other vices, I've become much more focused on self-development, and often find my days filled with more than enough things to do.

I can't even now imagine having the time to go out and just drink for 4 or 5 hours a night. Sure, I've enjoyed a couple nights here and there of dancing, or socializing at a bar with co-workers or friends, but my participation and focus is no more in that type of environment, and I can't imagine it being any other way.

I used to experience boredom a lot, or when I look at who I was and how I lived 7 years ago... I was quite in the routine of wake up, work, hang out with friends, go to sleep, repeat. There was nothing within my awareness of self-development as it is now... I am surprised to think how I wasn't more bored with myself. I mean yes, there were some aspects of self-development, but overall I was very much content with the movement of my life, which was making money to spend it out with others. My down time was spent watching TV or movies, not ever really thinking long term, or even short terms goals. I was quite complacent.

So a couple important points for tonight. Boredom is not really valid in that there is ALWAYS something to do, especially if you are willing to develop yourself and not simply accept life the way it is for so many. And there is MORE in this life than just drinking and partying, and watching TV or movies. There are many things we can do, each day, that supports in nurturing our utmost potential, and it starts with questioning who you are within what you do and seeing where you can expand beyond your own self-imposed limitation.

Life is not meant to be passed by, keeping ourselves busy with whatever until it's over - drinking our money, and life away. It's meant to be questioned, assessed, developed, changed, moved, and expansive. Don't settle on the norms, create your own norms that are best for you and everyone else around you. Live life beyond the bars.




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21 November 2016

504: It Was So Much Easier than I THOUGHT

Today I noticed something interesting about the Mind. I mean I have understood this before, but it's a whole other story when you see it real time, and get that first hand experience of what it's actually capable of. The understanding becomes much more real and grounded.

I had to make an appointment and I noticed that I had a slight resistance to it. I had all these ideas coming up within my mind about how I may not get in for the appointment for a few months, like they would be all booked up. I thought it might be very expensive, because I at the moment do not have health insurance in Canada. I thought it would be much more complicated that it actually turned out to be. The key word here being THOUGHT.

I THOUGHT it was going to be this big, complicated situation that I was in a way dreading. Dreading because I had THOUGHTS projecting into the future of how it was going to go, or turn out. I THOUGHT it would be so pricey, I THOUGHT I wouldn't get in when I needed to. I THOUGHT it was going to be such an ordeal. And because of everything I THOUGHT, I created like a resistance to actually making the appointment in anticipating all I THOUGHT I would have to walk through for it.

So I called. They answered, they knew exactly what I needed, had an appointment in two weeks I was able to schedule. They gave me the price, which I saw was reasonable. They took some more information from me, and the conversation ended. All of 5 minutes, and reality again proved the mind can be so irrational and over-complicate things.

How often do we have ideas about things... how things are going to go, or how things will end up. Based on our past, or our fears, or our assumptions, we come to conclusions about things before we actually walk through it! How much do we put off in anticipation of it not going smoothly or being more complicated then we think it's worth? How much do we allow our mind's complications influence reality, where the reality might just be so much more simple than we could ever conceive.

It usually is. We tend to over-exaggerate and create more of a mess when we are dealing with our minds. When we allow thoughts, and ideas, and assumptions attached to irrational emotions and feelings... we create a whole reality around the actual actions to take, and create something bigger than what it is.

Do yourself a favor... stop THINKING about what you need to do, and just do it. Make that appointment. Fill out those documents. Make that call. Schedule that meeting. Stop putting stuff off because you've created ideas about how difficult it's going to be, and rather just do it. Physically walk it, and prove to yourself how much more simple reality living is. When we get out of our heads, and start walking one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, on step at a time... we realize how complicated we make things. So unnecessarily.

Life and living can be simple. It doesn't have to be this big ordeal. We do that by dealing with it through the mind as thoughts, feelings, and emotions. If we instead just focused on the physical - the actions required to take, and take those steps to get it done, we can become much more efficient in our lives, and not live with the anxiety, and stress we create through putting something off because of our created ideas about what it's going to be like.

Stop thinking, and start living. Stop assuming, and find out for real.

Live simple, ya'll.



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