Kristina's Journey to Life

24 May 2017

543: Realizations in Letting Go of a Dependency

**The most recent blogs, and ones to come are a few weeks old, as I have been writing, without publishing.

I have just completed a 21 day challenge of no coffee. I did it for myself - seeing how I had created a bit of dependency and love affair with coffee, acting as if I couldn't do without it, and so I made myself live without it, for 21 days at least.

The first few days were physically uncomfortable, though not unbearable. I did expect some discomfort, almost like letting go of a relationship you have depended on to always be there for you. That was the major point I saw in terms of who I was in relation to coffee, or rather how I defined coffee in relation to me... like a comfort, a friend, a companion I could always count on in the sense that it always tasted good, gave me a nice feeling, and so I trusted it. Though, there is a problem when we create such a relationship towards something like that externally from ourselves - it, as I mentioned, can create a dependency. Of course - you can see that something such as coffee, or anything really, as something trustworthy, or comforting, but it really boils down to who you are within it. For me - I 'needed' it, or at least I thought I did.

So I had to walk through letting go of that relationship - that comfort, and bring that word back to myself in terms of seeing how and where, and when I could live comfort for/as myself, and not needing it to exist in something outside of myself to give me that sense of comfort. When it's external, it's just an experience, it's not real in fact. The only thing we can really count on is ourselves, and if we are living comfort, as who we are, in what we do, and how we express, comfort is always with us, because it's who we are.

So that was a cool point.

Another aspect I found interesting was I walked the 21 days, and after the first 3 days, there was not much a challenge anymore. While I would have liked to have coffee, I was okay to be without it. It was nothing I anticipated, or expected, like I foresaw it as being this hard, troublesome experience I would really have to push through, and fight in a way, to not drink coffee.

But I did it, and I was fine. I was stable. It was no thing to say no, not now, not yet. I will go without it. And so I found that I had the expectation that is was going to be this long, arduous journey when in fact, I made a decision, and I walked that decision. Simple as that. It made me think of how much we create the ideas in our minds of not being able to give something up, or to live without something, or to change something about ourselves... that it would be the worst thing EVER and so we avoid stopping, or changing simply because we want to avoid the experience we fear. But it's a fear, and fears are made to be walked through.

Are you wanting to change something, start something new, stop a bad habit, or practice a new discipline but you FEAR the experience of stepping outside of your comfort zone? Well may I suggest to stop feeding the fears as if they are valid, and consider you wont know actually how it will go until you physically do it. May not be as bad as you think. And then - you have the reward of challenging yourself.

Challenges don't have to be hard, or difficult, or uncomfortable. They are simple a dare to ourselves to expand, change, and step out of a limited version of ourselves. And you know - challenges may be hard, you may in fact face the most difficult, uncomfortable experience of your life in changing/stopping a habit... but at least you will start facing the truth of yourself, and the dependency you've created on something other than you. That alone is worth taking a look at.




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15 May 2017

542: Emotional vs Practical Decision Making

Recently I had a decision to make wherein the choice before me was pretty clear. I made the pros and cons list and could see one decision what practically, physically best for me, and the other was remaining the same. Despite seeing this there was a fear to make the 'better choice.' I was afraid of how my decision would impact others, assuming it would be for the worst. I was afraid of them getting upset with me because I was changing/moving on, and not staying in the same place. And if I were to allow this fear to grow and manifest as making that decision, I would have only compromised myself and others as well.

How often do we make decisions based on emotions such as fear, then what is practically best for us

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by emotions when making decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, despite seeing what could be practically best for me, lean towards another direction due to an emotion of fear within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a decision that is best for me due to worrying about how others will see me/think of me, and for me perhaps putting someone else in an uncertain position

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more concerned with how someone will react to my decision of making a change, than the actual change that could potentially be best for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be willing to make a decision based on emotional rather than what is physically most practical, and best for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it's better for me to protect, and hide from a fear that keeps me in a comfort zone as to not have to face it/walk through it, than make a practical decision to change direction and thus creating a new environment for myself that could open up doors of opportunity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather decide on something that will allow me to avoid facing a fear, then walking through a fear to reap greater rewards

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how emotions play a role in my decision making and the consequence that creates for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how I've allowed emotions to play a role in my decision making

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather compromise myself then face a fear of how others might respond to me - fearing they will not respond well to any changes I make that could be good for me, within this only seeing it could be bad for them and so assume they will not be happy with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that any changes that I make within my life, and that effect others, will only be bad

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that perhaps in me doing what is best for me, I am also doing what is best for others/all

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself see, realize, and understand the interconnectedness of life, wherein who I am and what I do has an effect on those around me and so within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the more ideal outcome would be for me to act within principles of self-honesty, responsibility, and self-development where in pushing myself to face my fears, and not cower from them to just hide in a comfort zone that compromises me and limits me - thus this being an example for others, instead of living an utmost potential

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that perhaps in my standing up for my own well being as what is best for me, practically, and in self-honesty, I am supporting others equally to stand up within their own self-honesty - where when I change, others have the change and thus I am taking responsibility for the impact I have in this world, as it is not only on myself - it's on those around me

When and as I see myself moving away from a decision that is most practical, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that if I am not embracing practicality of life, working directly with the physical, then I am influenced by some emotion or feeling and so I commit myself to investigate what is directing me when I'm not allowing myself to direct myself physically, practically and to remove the emotions or feelings with self-forgiveness to clear my seeing as the direction that is best for me

When and as I see myself fearing to face my fears and use this as an excuse to not make the most practical decision, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to run from my fears keeps me the same, and there is no growth in remaining within fear and so I commit myself to embrace the fears, and face them head on with the tools I have to support myself to do so - writing, self-honesty, self-responsibility, and self-forgiveness, and common sense

When and as I see myself fearing to make others unhappy through making a decision that is practically best for me, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I have the tendency to assume the worst, and am influenced by the idea that me changing is bad for others and so I commit myself to live the realization that I better serve and support others when I am self-honest with myself, and directing myself and my life in ways that are practically best for me and I am supporting others to do the same



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541: Comfort in Coffee

Not too long ago I challenged myself to 21 days of no coffee. It was a success in that I committed to the 21 days, and walked the 21 days without any coffee. And I say it was a success because it revealed deeper dimensions of the relationship I've created towards and with coffee, thus supporting me to see where I'm still existing in something separate from me - looking for something outside of me to fulfill me.

The following is self-forgiveness for a particular dimension I saw within me in my need for coffee - and that was the word comfort. The problem with defining something outside of yourself as your source of something, in this case comfort, is you are then always a slave and dependent upon that external thing to give to you that point (comfort) you are looking for. The reason for self-forgiveness, is to GIVE to yourself what you look for outside of yourself. So here, realizing comfort can be who I am - not something I must find outside of myself. And in doing so - you are free... never needing something to give to you what you are more than capable of giving to yourself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss drinking coffee

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define drinking coffee as a comfort and thus miss the experience of being comforted when drinking coffee

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word comfort - to exist within drinking coffee, as an external action, rather than within and as who I am and so when I remove coffee from my life, I think and believe I am removing the point of comfort from my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe coffee is the only point in which I can experience comfort in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positive energy charge to the word comfort and so seek it out in things I define as comforting, such as coffee

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to live the word comfort as who I am and thus no longer need or require to seek it outside of myself but rather have it be an extension, and expression of who I am as a living action

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel empty without coffee, as a point of my comfort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define coffee as a positive experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within what I can drink - defining coffee as the best thing, and the most comforting thing and so limit myself from trying other beverages, or even considering other beverages

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider what my body would like as a beverage due to me limiting myself in what I will drink - defining coffee as the only option for me, instead of considering what options would best support my physical body

When and as I see myself missing drinking coffee, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that what I am actually missing is an energetic experience of comfort that I've separated myself from and so I commit myself to in such a moment, breathe, and bring myself back to me here, in/as my body, and find the comfort in/as my body - where I am, what's around me, the sights, the sounds, and the breathing of my body that is equal to what's around me - finding comfort in my presence, my awareness, and myself as directive principle to no longer need something outside of me to feel something, and rather ignite that within myself and thus express it as who I am - never without it

When and as I see myself limiting myself in what I drink as giving myself only coffee, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that in such an application, I have not considered what my body would like, and only instead remained within a habit of what I know, and what I know I like and so I commit myself to expand myself in what I will drink - considering other options, as well as checking in with my body to see what will best support me as my body in such a moment



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14 May 2017

540: How I Deal with Dis-Ease

Often times when I get a headaches I resist the experience. I want it to quickly be done with. I want to take something to get rid of the pain, I want to simply avoid the experience all together. It's like I want to hide from it, in fear of it, not willing to stand in the dis-ease of a headache. But what I've learned over the past few years is that headaches I generally create myself. When I am emotional, or reactive in some way, and my body fills with energy the after effect is like a clogging and fogginess build up, and will usually manifest in/as a headache. Or if I'm over-thinking about something - not telling myself stop and rest, but constantly consuming thoughts about something, constantly busy within my mind, I will also get a headache. Almost like the body forcing me with pain to see what I'm doing, and to get me to stop for a moment.

But instead of looking at what the reactions were, or what I'm continually mulling over in my head, and so how I participated in energy to create the dis-comfort, I want to just get rid of the pain - not allowing myself to realize the gift the pain is showing me as directly reflecting who I am as what I accept and allow within/as me - the actual effect I have on my body - what I am actually creating from who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist headaches as a fear of pain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the pain of a headache as thinking and believing it over-powers me, and I have no control within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have no power within/as a headache instead of realizing I created it, and so I can change it

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the more I resist/fight the head ache - the worst I am making the experience

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to take responsibility for the pains in my body as the source of it's creation and realizing the body is not in pain at random - there is a cause, and I contribute to that cause

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical body to the extent where I think and believe headaches and pains happen in the body at random as if the body exists as it's own entity, existing separate from me, doing it's own thing instead of realizing I am the one dwelling within/as my body, me, and thus who I am and how I live directly effects the state and condition of my body and thus again I forgive myself that I have not yet in all ways taken absolute self-responsibility for the state and condition of my body as an extension of who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself as the pain of my physical body through medication instead of investigating the cause of the pain/problem, and not just treat the symptom

When and as I see myself resisting/fearing pain in/as my body, such as a headache and wanting to just take a pill to get rid of it, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the responsibility I have to within/as the state and condition of my physical body being a direct reflection/outflow/extension of who I am and how I live, and is not a separate entity existing independently from me and so I commit myself to in moments of developing a headache, instead of resisting it, take it into writing if the moment is available for it - and investigate who I've been that would produce pain in the head, or elsewhere, and apply self-forgiveness for things I see I've accepted and allowed. And I also commit myself to if the moment for writing is not available, to support the physical body in the meantime, even with pills if that's necessary, but to also flag this moment to investigate later when I have the time

I commit myself to create a starting point of dealing with pain in the body to be about self-discovery and self-purification and not suppression as just making it go away with a pill





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26 April 2017

539: Who are You in Your Expectation of Others?

A couple months ago we got a ton of snow in our area, and left our vehicles buried, with us requiring to shovel them out. There are four of us living in our house, using the driveway, and when only my partner and I were shoveling it out, I went into some reactions about the other two who also use the driveway.

For me it revealed expectations I have towards others, that I don't necessarily live myself. And wanting others to 'follow the rules' as per some law or guidelines, instead of giving more value to the principles in which we guide ourselves, as individuals, instead of needing something external to 'show  us the way'.

Definitely things to reflect on for myself - taking the reaction back to myself in seeing the real issue I have was ME, not anyone else. If each can stand within such a position, taking responsibility for THEMSELVES - man, what a world that would be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always look at others to blame for my experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my resistance towards the snow, and shoveling

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not stepping up, and doing their part when it comes to our communal driveway where shoveling is necessary

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to hold themselves responsible for the place we live because legally they are, but not hold myself to the same level of responsibility simply for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the law force people to be responsible instead of realizing it comes on a level within self - self must make the decision to be responsible - that is when it is real, not when something external, such as a rule, or law telling them what to do, or who to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the snow/winter within a negative association and define shoveling as annoying

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the work it takes to shovel my car out of the snow instead of realizing it must be practically done and so there is no need for reactions to get it done, you just physically get it done. end of story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others who don't help me shovel as being lazy, or not willing to help me if it doesn't somehow serve them instead of realizing that I do exactly the same thing... I would not go out of my way to help another if I define it as hard work, or difficult, or something I don't want to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing 'hard work' - which is simply physical work, things that are necessary to be done sometimes, but instead find ways to avoid it

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live the principle of do unto another as you would have done unto yourself yet expect others to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to do things because I think it's the right thing to do, and I think they are responsible to do something, and when they don't, bad mouth them within my mind as judgement and blame instead of realizing the responsibility I have equally to the situation - wherein I park my car in the same space

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the laws to enforce responsibility within people instead of realizing only self-responsibility matters and just because a law says something is right or wrong, doesn't actually make it correct

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace the situations wherein I must move myself physically to shovel out the snow.. as using my body as how it's capable, and being in nature and the environment - enjoying the sights and the sounds and the smells... recognizing and honoring such a moment as a moment needing to be recognized and for me to stop the inner-storm of reactions to be able to direct myself most effectively, and with the least amount of resistance - making it a moment of growth, and self honesty and not to berate and judge others

When and as I see myself reacting to others not helping out with shoveling the snow in our communal drive way, or wherever there is more than just me that uses a space requiring maintenance, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the reactions i have to such a situation, wherein I expect others to help me, reveals I am not actually willing to help out myself if I were in their position and so within this, I commit myself to realize the reactions have nothing to do with another, or others, but simply revealing a point within me requiring self-honesty, and self-responsibility

When and as I see myself wishing others would be forced to act in certain ways as per some law, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that wanting something external to force people to be and act in a way I deem acceptable reveals I require something external to move/direct/influence me to be responsible as acting in ways I see are acceptable and so here I commit myself to stop projecting a want unto others, and rather look at where I can direct myself WITHOUT a law hovering over me telling me what to do, and rather use the principle of 'do unto another as you would have done unto yourself,' as the point of equality - giving as I would like to receive -

When and as I see myself resisting being in nature, doing physical work necessary to be done, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to allow myself to resist and react to such a moment creates a moment of missing what is here - of what is physically real around me, and the opportunity to physically ground myself in some real work and so I commit myself to rather embrace moments where I resist some work, as a point of really getting in there, and standing stable within myself, in moving myself physically, and opening myself up to the sights, and smells, and sounds of the real world.

I commit myself to stop expecting from others what I'm not willing to do for myself

I commit myself to expect from myself what I expect from others

I commit myself to make myself priority in terms of giving attention to where I require to step up, and stand up, and not accept anything less than what I'm actually capable of

I commit myself to stop berating people within my mind when I think they are not doing their part

I commit myself to ensure I am doing my part before I even think about looking at how another is directing themselves

I commit myself to take responsibility for ME as the source from what I experience myself - in realizing that whatever I experience, the good, the bad, the ugly, come up from within/as myself - not anyone else's doing and so I commit myself to honor that space within me that influence my experience and response to what is going on around me





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24 April 2017

538: Some Piece of Me

A little free writing rant on the word Peace.

When I look at the word peace, I see the word piece. It's an obvious association I'm sure for many simply due to the sound of the words being the same. Though perhaps there is more to it...

Peace for me does not exist when I am scattered throughout my mind, and this implies usually I am scattered throughout my reality. If I'm stuck in the past as memories, or desiring an outcome as some future projection, I am separated from my self HERE. In this moment. As this breath. And so I am not in/as peace, I am in/as pieces.

These pieces of ourselves we scatter throughout our mind are parts of ourselves we have separated ourselves from. We have one foot in the past, one in the future, and we completely miss out on the opportunity, and potential of what is HERE, right in front of us. No wonder so many are in disarray, or feeling overwhelmed, or even more, "all over the place" - it's because we actually are! We are not standing grounded, with our two feet in THIS reality - we are often in our minds' reality of fears, and desires, or judgments, and criticism and the inability to be AT PEACE with what is here.

That is the responsibility I can see for myself. I am split into so many pieces, and often I've experienced myself as an emotional wreck, or with my head in the clouds and to ground myself in my body, and as my breath. seeing direct without energies is when I am living peace - when I bring back those pieces of myself scattered, from 'out there' into/as 'right here'.

Another way I have experienced this for myself is at the end of my days. The times I am satisfied, and quiet/empty within myself at the end of my day is because I was directive during the day. Directive to me means I allowed no avoidance, no resistance, or 'putting things off 'till later'. It is when I decided for me to create a day that I am satisfied with - one where I could live with myself, where I applied a potential of me that I must still nurture daily, where I did not give into any emotional or feeling experiences, but stayed true to who I am as a living, BREATHING being. In this directive-ness of/as myself - I was grounded, walking in my DAY - not looking ahead, or looking behind, simply working with what is HERE.

That is when I am living peace.

When I'm not living peace, but rather in pieces is the scenario when I give into a resistance of not wanting to do something I decided I would already do, or attempted to make a commitment to do. When I allow myself to get lost in entertainment, or caught up in gossip, or acting out emotional experiences that create and sustain conflict and friction within myself, and with others in my life. That is when I am living in pieces... I am not whole, as I am not here, breathing. I am allowing things to slip by, or to be pushed aside, or to be ignored all together.  I am not SEEING how what is going on within me in relation to any/all things is a reflection of a PIECE of me I have separated myself from - and rather projected outward, separated from me as not my responsibility. When it in fact is, as we are all the source/cause/origin of ourselves... who we are... how we experience ourselves.. and how we experiences this world/others in this world. Those 'out there' in any form you see it, is YOU - a piece of you, and if you are not at PEACE with that you, you are in pieces.

So put yourself back to pieces - by living the word peace. Make peace with your past, and your present, and those around you. Stop fighting, and resisting, or neglecting - take responsibility for position you stand within as a piece of this world. When all are self-responsible, then the world will know Peace.

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28 February 2017

537: Jealousy and The Need to be Needed

In previous relationships I experienced jealousy a lot - where it was quite an overwhelming, possessing type of experience. That is where I had most of my experiences with jealousy - in intimate relationships. Recently however I noticed it come up in relation to a friendship. This friend has been someone who in a way I was in a position of supporting - where she would come to me for advice, or perspective, or opinion. I felt special in this way, like a guide, or like someone she trusted enough.

Then enters a new person, who I see my friend spending more time with, and asking her perspective on things, and going to her for things she once came to me for. And so I was jealous. I felt as if I was no longer that 'special person' that she would come to, and in a way - that also validated an aspect of myself - of being helpful, and needed.

I felt I was being replaced, and discarded. Now I did not indulge in this too much, as I could see clearly this was jealousy, and that it implied I had some self-definition I was using my friend to substantiate - and what I realized through self-forgiveness on this point is how in my need for her to need me, I was enslaving us both.

Here is the self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealousy toward L and N's relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though N replaced who I was for L

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as special in relation to L - that she needs me and looks up to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend and define who I am based on how L sees me - thinking and believing I need her to need me to feel special, and useful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel jealousy when I see someone else helping L as I helped her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lay claim to being the only one that L can go to for guidance or support

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my purpose as others needing me, though if I'm no longer needed by others - feel as though my purpose has been taken away from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I'm better if others need me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize in needing others to need me, I am enslaving myself to others, and others to myself instead of supporting both myself, and others to be able to stand on their own two feel - no masters, and no slaves - simply equals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my relationship with L to exalt myself within a superior position wherein I see myself as better because I'm needed, and because others need me, I'm useful, and have a purpose instead of realizing the ego is at play here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of others needing support and guidance for my own self-interested purposes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to feel threatened that some position I'm in is going to be taken away implies I am not actually standing as that position - as a real, self honest position to support others, but instead using it for my own fears, and desires, to validate myself and find acceptance in others

When and as I see myself experiencing jealousy towards others relationships, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to experience jealousy is a red flag wherein I am separating myself from myself through defining myself in needing another - and so I commit myself to when/as I see jealousy to come up, to immediately bring it back to myself to firstly not perpetuate the experience, and to also get to know where I am misplaced parts of myself in defining it within another

When and as I see myself needing others to need me, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such a relationship creates enslavement for both myself and others, and so I commit myself to change my starting point for supporting others wherein It's not about needing others to need me, but me simply willing and able to support another, as I support myself and thus stand as Equals

When and as I see myself feeling threatened by another, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to feel threatened is to fear losing something of myself, and so I commit myself to investigate what it is I'm fearing to lose of myself, and to realize that if I fear losing it, it's not really me and so I commit myself to within this, ensure I am standing for real within who I am, and not dependent on some external point to validate anything of myself



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