Kristina's Journey to Life

15 August 2017

554: Things Change - Will You?

I started a new job just a couple of months ago, which changed up my home-life schedule quite a bit. I am no longer working evenings, or weekends, and work more hours in a day. I am very pleased about the change, but with that, I had to change myself.

I have been a long-time fan of to-do lists and while for the past couple of years of working evenings, I had long days on my hands and I could regularly get to a lot of things in one day. That has since changed, yet I still tried to do everything in one day. It's simply impossible.

And while I understand prioritizing, and doing what is practically possible, I for a bit was refusing to let go of this 'need to do it all'.

Though what I create from this is a constant failure experience, because I can't practically get to everything... something gets left uncrossed on my to-do list, and usually, it's the same thing every day. Then when the days off come around, I just want to 'run free' and do other things, instead of the 'work' I had been doing throughout the week - even the stuff I didn't I get to. And so I create this perpetual state of failure because every day I a missing out on something. Not getting to it, or wanting to give me some time off, or telling myself the work week is for work.

Though what I realize is that in not getting to everything, holding an expectation on myself that I must do everything in one day, and want to add more things to do to support myself in my development, I CAN change my schedule.

I can change what I do on what days - instead of feeling like all must be done in one day - a little bit at a time how I like it. I can rather do some stuff during the week, and others on the weekend when I'm off. Not forcing myself to achieve some unattainable perfection, but rather perfecting myself in restructuring my days and weeks. Giving more time to things daily, rather than just giving a little to a lot of things. I can give a lot to a little on certain days and see how that goes.

So a bit of a testing something new out... seeing how I do with focusing on fewer things during the working week and adding more to the weekends of what I don't do during the week. In this also creating balance, where I give the proper amount of time to all things I am responsible for and would like to engage with. The week stuff, and the weekend stuff.

I often get myself into a routine that I hold onto so tightly, I forget that as things change, I must change too. And while something was working for awhile, things move around and you have to be willing to move around with them. So some words here for me to start applying is flexibility, letting go, and restructuring.

I am a fan of structure, of a systematic approach to directing myself and my daily tasks. But this can become a compromise when one is unwilling to let go and change - go with the flow if you will. My work schedule changed, and so I must change as well. Allocate my responsibilities within practicality, and not the need or expectation forcing me to do something I most certainly always fall short of.

This reminds me of something we used to say at a company I once worked for. "Set yourself up for success." I am not doing so when I put unrealistic expectations on myself in terms of what I can practically, physically get done in a day. I am when I give myself the time and space to do some things here and other things there, balancing the schedule so I can enjoy what I'm doing rather than plowing through, attempting to get it all done at once. Slow and steady will surely get things done.





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17 July 2017

553: Forgiveness is not about Forgetting

I just listened to an Eqafe recording titled, "Forgiveness and Forgetting". It explains the point of how just because you forgive something, doesn't mean it forever deletes it from you or your mind. There still exists a remembrance - a recalling of what has happened and who you were.

I was reminded of a time in my life where I realized I required to forgive myself for something I had done. I was ashamed and felt guilty, and regretting how I made the decision to do what I did. And for weeks, the same experience was coming up, I kept going back to the moment where I made this decision, what came from my decision, how it changed my life, and I was gripped by this emotion of regret and sadness. And I realized with this continuing to come up I had to forgive myself, to allow myself to let go of what I was holding onto.

I realized I couldn't change what was done - what I had done. It was done and that was that. There was no going back. But I still remained, and I could not continue to live with this emotional experience of not being able to accept what happened. So I forgave myself. I unconditionally forgave myself, allowed myself to realize I can't change what is done, and I must find a way to move on, for myself. And so I walked that process of forgiving myself and slowly, but surely, I was able to embrace, accept and let go of what happened.

Years later I still recall that time in my life, and how I experienced myself in those days from the decision I made. And I recall the moment I realized forgiveness was the key. And even though I did forgive myself, and I was able to allow myself to move on from what had happened, it still existed within me. That time in my life, that state I was in, that process I had to walk through to get myself through it... that has not been deleted or removed from me. It remains within me as it was a process that shaped who I am now and what I have walked in the past years of my life. And I'm grateful for that, because I am grateful for who I am today and I know that if I had not realized the power of self-forgiveness, I may have very well remained stuck in the past, replaying that same moment, that same decision, and those same feelings about it over and over again.

So the point here for me that I got from this interview was that yes, forgiveness is essential, but forgiveness does not forget. Forgiveness allows you to take what has been done, and who you have been, and use it to develop yourself into a more substantial, understanding, self-loving and so life-loving person.

The gift of forgiveness is that whatever you have done, whoever you have been doesn't have to define you forever... you can always change it, you can always forgive. But in that - what remains is the lessons learned, the new insights and realizations we developed throughout the moments of our life, and the remembrance that who we are creates consequence - a sequence of events that unfolds from who we are in each moment, and if we require to forgive anything, then we always have that as a lesson to never repeat again.

There was much more to this recording I mention here, though this is what I wanted to share. I suggest you have a listen for yourself and hear the gems of support waiting for you to uncover.

Enjoy!




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09 July 2017

552: What we Resist Persists

To touch base on a previous blog, 540, I wanted to reiterate the point of how 'what you resist, persists'.

When I resist pain such as headaches and take a pill to get rid of the experience, I am essentially giving up the opportunity I have to develop a level of self-intimacy, and self-awareness.

Headaches, and pains, as mentioned in my previous blog, don't just come out of nowhere. Often times I can see how I create the pains... how who I am, and what I participate within my mind creates the experience in my physical body. And so rather than investigating what has been accepted and allowed that thus creates an outflow consequence on/in/as the body, we just take a pill to deal with the issue, not realizing there is something deeper to dis-cover.

How we allow our patterns of pain to persist is in how we resist DEALING with the actual problems that create the pain in the first place.  Instead of getting to the root of the problem - finding the thought patterns we keep going back to, finding the emotional energy we flood our body with, or some memory we can't let go of that has all these positive or negative attachments to it that distract us from fully living presently - we just resist the pain, take the pill and call it a day. But sure enough, we go through the experience again, and again we repeat the "solution" - take the pill, resist the pain, and call it a day.

Why not deal with the problem... actually get to the bottom of it, find out the real issues, and sort those out - release ourselves from them, forgive ourselves, allow ourselves to heal, to let go, and to thus be able to move on with our lives - stopping the patterns. That is the real solution, and way to deal with dis-ease. Otherwise, we are allowing what we resist to persist.



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06 July 2017

551: Asking for Permission When you Fear going Against the Crowd

Recently I saw myself faced with a fear of 'going at it alone'. In a group setting, it can be scary standing out, drawing attention to yourself, and be willing to share some new ideas. For me, it was a need for others to agree, as to validate what I could see I could do - thinking I needed others to do it too. But of course, we are all alone. We are alone within ourselves and the direction we take, and the decisions we make. To lead or to follow.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to ask other's permission to start projects I see worth starting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must get other's approval before I can carry on with something I see worth carrying on with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to go against the consensus of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I need others to tell me it's okay to do something I would like to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other's criticism for implementing ideas I see worth implementing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I need others to move with me in order for me to move

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot stand alone

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what it means to actually stand alone - as standing as all as one - standing for all, and as all, in equality - doing what I see is best for all - being willing to be the one for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to share my ideas with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lead the way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a leader

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going first

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the only one doing something, and think without others agreeing and doing too to, it's not cool/worth it and I shouldn't dare to do it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather stay in the background, hidden amongst others instead of standing up and standing out and doing what I see is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'stay in my place' as the self-created position I've defined as where I must be - in the background, agreeing with others, following others, and not daring to branch out and creating something new

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a follower

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others telling me no - that my ideas are not good and think that that must be the final say and to within this, keep my mouth shut, not dare to speak up or speak out, or the share with others unconditionally what I see as my perspective, insights, and suggestions

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to explore myself and my ideas as not needing others to do it with me, but rather directing myself to see what's possible, what could work within/as my ideas, test them out and go from there

I commit myself to lead myself

I commit myself to no longer needing others to go first, or show me the way but rather trust in myself as my own self-direction to do and go and be and express what is necessary and best for all

I commit myself to not allow fear of others not agreeing with me stand in my way

I commit myself to not stand in my own way as fear of what others might think

I commit myself to trust myself

I commit myself to encourage my own ideas

I commit myself to be willing to go my own way as a point of self-trust in knowing that ultimately I am alone and I as all as one as equal must lead the way

I commit myself to not be afraid to go against the crowd if it means doing what is best for all

I commit myself to embrace standing alone as I am within/as myself




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27 June 2017

550: Making "As within, So Without" Practical

A point to consider when walking a process of change... it's not only about changing within. Changing without has just as much of an impact on the overall process, and impacts as changing within.

I realized this quite some time ago, and in a way felt as if I started from the 'without' to the 'within'. What does that mean?

The 'without' as the external reality - how you interact with your physical environment - the people, the animals, the buildings, anything that is physical, that's external. And the 'within' is the inner reality - your emotions, feelings, thoughts - whatever goes on within you that others cannot see, but you are mostly, well aware of.

So when saying 'changing the without' is just as impactful as 'changing the within' - this is what I mean. When you change HOW you interact with your external, can have an impact on how you interact with the internal.

A great example of this was giving in a new Eqafe Recording, Change Without to Change Within. A being sharing the perspective of how an individual was able to support themselves with slowing down, becoming more flexible, becoming more aware of their physical body, more patient through practicing yoga. In the practice of yoga, it takes flexibility, patience, a slowing down, a body awareness and through doing that, consistently, they were able to change their inner in how they dealt with their own mind - the HOW they are within themselves.

Years ago I also did this for myself. I started focusing on my behavior in my reality - how I tended to procrastinate, put things off till later, think I can just deal with things at another time, like for example with bills. But in starting to change this towards my external - making sure I dealt with bills as soon as I got them, making sure I took care of what was due immediately, and not waiting, and not putting it off, I soon saw how I started to do this same thing with my own mind. When I would see thoughts coming up, or emotions activating, I started to deal with it more immediate. I no longer wait or put it off because I was already versed in the practice of dealing with things as they arise, and not procrastinating on it.

So for me, this interview was a great reminder of the process I've walked, and what I've realized, and confirmed what I already could see for myself. That while yes, it takes an internal process of change - writing, self-honesty, self-forgiveness, stopping the thoughts, feelings, and emotions, breathing - you can also start strengthening those practices through how you deal with the external reality.

It's fantastic actually because both are equal - you can't change one without changing the other. Either way you go, you are changing, and that change will have an effect on the other.

So if you are finding it difficult to create certain things within yourself, or struggling with dealing with certain parts of you/your mind, like discipline, or directiveness, or patience, or being calmer and less reactive - you can start to develop that through how you participate in your reality.

Take up a practice that encourages things you want to see more of in your life. If it's patience, calm, slowing down, letting go, body awareness - try yoga! Whatever you use to practice change without, know it will change you within.

Suggest to hear the full recording here for a more in-depth perspective and I also invite you to share in the comments below what you've already done to strengthen the within, through the without.


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19 June 2017

549: Unlock Yourself - Inspired by Eqafe.com

Imagine someone standing in front of you. They are asking for help. They want you to do something for them, to help get them free. 

On their right wrist, there is a handcuff, bound tightly around it.


Extended from the handcuff is the metal chain making its way to their right, to the matching handcuff, wrapped around a metal pole. It is forever secure; unbreakable. There is no freeing them without the key. 


The person looks at you, pleading with you, begging you to help them. To save them. To do something to free them. Because to them, you are their saving grace. Without you, they will never be free. 


As you look into their eyes you see the deep, hidden pain and helplessness, the belief they are forever locked up. You see their urge to break free, to stand as a life fulfilled, they see the hope, their only chance, within you... 


You start to glance down toward their left hand. Slowing taking notice of their free shoulder, their free arm, their free wrist, their free hand... 


Gripped within their fingers is the key to set them free. 



This was the image that formed within my mind after listening to a recording from Eqafe, "Holding Back and Imprisoning Myself - Life Review". The recording was a Life Review - a being sharing their experience from a life on Earth and what they could see was lived out, what they could have changed, and what they can share and the valuable lessons for each one still here.

We are our own saving grace. We are the ones with the key. We are holding ourselves back. We are waiting on ourselves. We can unlock ourselves.

As I finished this recording I could see this image within my mind, that I wanted to share. I asked my partner in a joking tone, who is an artist, to 'whip me up this picture' quick. lol - he didn't have the time for how or when I wanted it done and obviously neither of us took me seriously. And so instead of depending on him to express this image I wanted to express, I decided to use one of the mediums I know how to express with - the written word.

So I sat down, with only the image in my mind, and wrote the above. It was without preparation, simply 'here' as what I wanted to express. And what I found was actually some cool points I had to walk through, similar to what I just listened to in the recording this image was inspired by.

Dependency, suppressing ourselves, holding ourselves back, waiting for something, needing something external to move...

Instead of being dependent on my 'artist husband', I created the image myself. Instead of suppressing myself, as I had judgments of the writing, thinking it was 'lame' or 'not good enough', but sharing it anyway and not suppressing it/me. Not holding myself back as the point to share this image/writings was here and so to act on it. Not waiting for my husband to be the creator of art - to create something myself. Not needing something external to tell me it's okay - to go for it, that it's good enough.

So the process I just walked in the last 30 min was a direct experience of what I heard in the recording.

And that is the magic of Eqafe. And the magic of self - the magic of this process.

What we can create in matter goes beyond a simple piece of art, or words. We create simply by who we are, and in that awareness, taking that responsibility, we can create something worthwhile.

I invite you all to listen to this recording, to hear for yourself the gift of a life lived and realized.

We have the key. There is nothing or no one outside of us that is needed for us to realize our potential - our expressing within/as life. We have chained ourselves so we can change ourselves. We just have to use the key already within our own hands... 


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15 June 2017

548: It's not Personal, It's Process

This is again in relation to the new work environment and relationships I have been recently writing about. I noticed particularly strong reactions towards one specific co-worker in the new environment, and after a few days of this strong reaction/experience in relation to them, I started to see 'them' as having something wrong with them... like something 'wasn't right' about them; they couldn't be trusted. It was like I saw them as a problem and who they are as a problem like they were shady in a way and thus THAT'S WHY I experienced myself so conflicted in relation to them.

So they essentially acted as a trigger, which conjured up all these reactions, judgments, self-doubts, worries up within me, and yet I saw them as causing it. Not at all stopping, slowing down, and realizing IT'S WITHIN ME. And so I made it personal... personalizing the trigger as something more than simply my mirror - me seeing directly into me, and so having nothing, in fact, to do with this other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the person who triggers points within me - to make it personal as if they are the one responsible for my experience towards/in relation to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when a person responds to me in a certain way that I define as negative/rude/inconsiderate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view someone who triggers experiences within me as responsible for my inner/internal experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want M (the trigger) to change so that I no longer experience what I do within myself that was triggered

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view another person as something shady about them - when really all I've done is make it personal what I experience within myself in relation to them which they had nothing to do with at all - they were simply the mirror in which I could see more of me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see those that act as trigger points for me as gifts - supporting me to see more of me and supporting me develop my self-intimacy and self-honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another person for triggering experiences within me instead of realizing they exist within ME and no one else and so is completely and absolutely my responsibility and mine alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become cautious and resistant to those that act as triggers for me - wanting to avoid the experiences I have within me that are triggered by those people around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to blame another person for triggering the experiences within me because I don't want to fully take responsibility for my internal reality - that which only I accept and allow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see another in a negative way simply because they acted as a trigger for me as something negative I experienced towards them - making it personal instead of realizing the specifics of this process that each of us are walking and that nothing is personal and once I make it personal, I am allowing ego to get in the way and thus limiting my ability to develop self-honesty, and self-responsibility, and seeing the equality and oneness within/as all

When and as I see myself taking someone who acts as a trigger personally - as if they are deliberately doing something TO ME and are responsible for my experience in relation to them, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the gift each person in my life is a direct mirror for me to see into me - and within that, the gift of self-intimacy, and self-honesty. And so I commit myself to not take someone personal who triggers reactions within me, and rather practice seeing what it is I need to see, through them, and my process of self-honesty and self-responsibility.

I commit myself to stop any/all thoughts that blame a person in my reality for 'triggering' an experience within me realizing that it's IN ME, not them putting it into me and so I am solely responsible

I commit myself to not taking this process personally - my mind, other people, my circumstances, anything realizing that it's not personal, it's process and this process is about purging the darkness within each one to come face to face with who we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become and thus I commit myself to walk objectively through my process - seeing what I can learn, what works and what doesn't, what is best for all, and what isn't - UNDERSTANDING why things/people/life exists the way it does to better UNDERSTAND the solutions



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