Kristina's Journey to Life

06 February 2017

534: Rock Bottom

I've had a few moments in my life wherein I would say I was at rock bottom. While I never created severe consequence externally, within myself I could see clearly I was out of control, and it was only a matter of time before my life would follow suit.

First was when I was 17 - I had pretty much dropped out of high school, I was spending all my time with only two people, and we basically spent that time smoking weed, and getting drunk. There was one moment in the car, after a night of our usual behavior, where the alcohol and weed got to me, and I was laying in the back seat, spinning. In that moment I saw how out of control I was - meaning... I was not the one making the decisions in my life, I was following impulses, and addiction, and desire... which led me to being sick in the back of a car, contemplating my life and what I was busy creating. I was not satisfied.. I was tired of it. I was the lowest I had ever felt in my short life.

So in that moment, I saw the potential route for change, and decided there enough was enough. The next morning I told my mother I wanted to go counseling and treatment for my addiction. A month later I enrolled in a new school to finish my high school education.

The next time I experienced myself at rock bottom was when I was around 22 or 23. I had been in a relationship for a couple years with a guy, and in that relationship I experienced a lot of jealousy. A lot. Nasty really. One moment in particular I was leaving a bar/restaurant that I was at with him, and some of his friends, which happened to be girls. I had to head home early, and so he was staying there with his friends. As he was walking me to my car, I had this jealousy come up within me, and to follow was spite. I wanted to spite him, and blame him, for something he didn't actually do, but that I conjured up within my mind as what he could do once I left. I acted in ways in which I was not proud of... and I'm sure from his perspective he had no idea where I was coming from. But again, it was a place of no control.. I was completely consumed with emotions of insecurity, and jealousy, and spite that I acted out my experience automatically. While I was in a way in the background of myself seeing how nasty I was being, and how ridiculous and unnecessary I was behaving, it was as if I couldn't stop myself. Or I was never taught how to.

So again in this moment, I felt I had no control. I was completely controlled my energetic, emotional experience, and I lashed out. To me, this again was rock bottom. Something had to give - enough was enough. the experience of jealousy and insecurity was too overwhelming, and I despised not making better choices for myself. I was harming myself, and the relationship, and my partner. This experience, and I might add acceptance and allowance, drove me to act out in ways in which I became obsessive, and paranoid. I had thoughts that would drag me through emotional hell. I had no control over myself, or my actions, as I was totally being overridden by this experience. Another moment thus of where I experienced myself as rock bottom.

Yet within both these cases I can see the common experience for me as 'rock bottom' was me feeling as if I had no control, and based on what I was accepting and allowing as my thoughts, words, and deeds, I was creating destruction within myself, and within my life, and relationships. It's as if you are being told what to do, even though you see you are the one moving, and making decisions, and playing out the same pattern, knowing where it will lead you, despite that there is nothing you can do to stop it. That is rock bottom for me, and luckily I did not have to put myself through too many severe consequences yet was still enough for me to see, whoa girl.. who's in control here?

And then I found Desteni... and I started walking the Desteni Process... and I began to learn what are thoughts, and emotions, and feelings. I started understanding the difference between following impulses and being directive principle... I started learning what it means to look at one's starting point for any thought, word and deed... I learned about self-honesty, and self-forgiveness, and the absolute key for me, I learned about self-responsibility.

I no longer create rock bottom experiences for myself, but I can see based on who I was before Desteni, I would have re-created the same patterns before wherein I would find myself at 'rock bottom' - which is not in control of myself as my thoughts, words, and deeds. And as I went through the patterns, I would have eventually created more severe consequences, but fortunately Desteni intervened and I realized how much power I do actually have. And that if I want to change, I must be the change. And that there is no one going to save me... that I have the ability and control within myself to become self-aware, and self-directive...

Rock bottom as having no control is basically what each person has become as their Minds, just to varying degrees. Each time we follow a thought, or emotion, or feeling, or desire, or fear, or addiction, or want, or whatever we end up chasing or hiding from... we are not in control. We are giving up our directive control for something within the mind. An idea, a feeling, an experience, a reward. Whatever it is. Humanity is living out 'rock bottom' - each individually, and collectively because each has abdicated their self-responsibility to who they are in every... single... moment. It's only a matter of time before we create more and more consequences for us to see more and more clearly what we are creating within who we are, and how that impacts our world; individually and collectively.

Don't wait for rock bottom... investigate Desteni.



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31 January 2017

533: When Behaviors and Patterns start to Flare Up

At the moment I've been noticing a particular pattern/behavior of mine flare up in a way - where I'm participating in it more and more. In the past it would then trigger judgments, and frustration because what the heck - I'm allowing this behavior when I'm in fact supposed to be changing it.

Though I've seen this before.. where you are in a way working with a particular point to change, then it all of a sudden seems like you no longer have control over it, and the behavior/pattern has a mind of it's own... this has happened when I've been actually directly working on such a point with the use of Mind Constructs in the Desteni I Proccess.

Mind Constructs are a specific tool which allows one to dig deep into the roots of certain behaviors... sourcing the memories of our life where we have through time created and substantiate the behaviors/patterns that are now playing out in our life. I have been working on this particular behavior that I've noticed flare up for the past few weeks... so it actually doesn't surprise me it's coming up more as me living it out.

It's been actually cool because there are more dimensions of the behavior I've identified only in the past few weeks of living out the behavior, and so I get a better grasp on all that influence me in acting it out.

So just a note - don't be so quick to judge yourself if you see you are participating more in a behavior you are attempting to stop/change. Rather consider perhaps if you are working more directly with it, it's more at the surface of what you are facing.. it's more 'here', and in that you can actually gift yourself with seeing more of it - what thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories it consists of as that which you forgive to release yourself from the pattern.

So it's been cool actually for me to see a moment where I could have reacted to what's being accepted and allowed, but rather I realized I'm facing it more directly - working with it more specifically, and so getting to know it better, and myself better as the pattern/behavior. I have often judged myself for accepting and allowing things as a point of morality as 'that is bad' and "I should not allow this" but in that judgment, I dis-empower myself to change it because I'm separating myself from it. The patterns and behaviors I live out are me, and the reasons for why they exist, exist within me - so rather embrace what is HERE as ourselves, as our behavior/patterns to better understand, and thus FORGIVE to change. We cannot fight our minds expecting them to just go away or change. We have to be the ones directing it, and we direct it through forgiveness.. through understanding, through removing all judgments towards it to see the totality of it.



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26 January 2017

532: Expanding Awareness Beyond a Blog

The other day I again found myself at the grocery store. This time, as I was walking around - the point I have been writing about the last few days wasn't at all in my awareness. I didn't even think about it until I leaned in to grab something that a couple people were standing in front of, and as one of them turned toward me, she said "whoa, Jesus."

lol - I took this as perhaps meaning she was surprised, and didn't expect me there. And perhaps I could have given it a moment before I leaned in to grab my item. I didn't think about it until after that moment, and considered - did I move too fast? Could I have given them a moment?

I can see simply by the fact that I was unaware of the point I have been making for myself recently - in terms of becoming more aware of my movements and walking speed, to be more deliberate and specific when I'm out in public with how I'm moving, I could have given it a moment. I rushed in there to get my item, not allowing myself to be patient, and not create a situation where I was in someone else's space, and they were startled by me. Not that that is such a severe consequence, I simply see it as something for me to consider, and to push to become more aware about when I'm out and about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring this awareness of a point I would like to work on and with in my process of change, outside into my physical reality - when I'm interacting with others, and instead allow it to remain as a blog that I write about... not actually real-time change

When and as I see myself leaving the house to go out somewhere, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that here is where I must establish myself as self-awareness as walking the commitments I've made to direct myself when in public to be more directive, and deliberate with my physical movements and speed. And so I commit myself to continue to focus on this point of physical awareness within me throughout my day - especially when I leave the house - to practice my awareness and specificity in my physical movements and interactions with others.



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24 January 2017

531: Walk with Humbleness

Here I'm continuing with the point from yesterday's blog - in not considering others, or things in my environment when I'm moving/walking too fast, and so often bumping into people, or things and so making a point to become humble when walking. And so the self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speed while walking, and to within this - not slow down enough to consider others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push through crowds of people, and to take the lead when walking fast, not caring about who I bump into, or who I cut off

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to slow down and consider others - taking a step back, and allowing others to go first

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so automated in my walking fast that I do not even notice others around me that might perhaps actually need to move before me, but instead I just take the lead to go first, not seeing or considering others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I'm justified in my lack of awareness and consideration of others when I'm walking fast, and I past them, making sure I get to go first, and simply just saying 'sorry, excuse me' as if it makes it alright

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not deliberately challenge myself to do that which is not automatic, which is to walk slowly, and to let others go before me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be like a bull in a china shop while I work, and walking in big crowds, wherein I don't pay attention to my movements, as they are so fast, and I'm just plowing through to get to the next action, the next destination

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not treat others and even things in my environment as I would like to be treated - and that is with care and consideration - making sure each movement is deliberate and specific to ensure I do not inflict any harm or consequences on others or things

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to humble myself and let others go first when I walk

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish in my movements and my walking wherein I don't consider others and instead only consider myself/my destination

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speed within my walking even if I don't have to - when I have enough time to take my time and slow down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just define myself as  a fast walker and anyone in my way better get out of my way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss out on seeing/being here within/as my environment, and others, when walking fast and not taking my time to slow down and walk within awareness

When and as I see myself walking fast in public when it is not necessary, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this often creates consequences wherein I often don't consider others in my reality, and always take the first step, or lead, as a point of considering only myself and so I commit myself to slow down and practice stepping back and allowing others to go first when in public, as a point of deliberately supporting myself to change the automation of my fastness

When and as I see myself wanting to take the lead or go first when walking in public, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this habit has become automated, and does not allow me to consider others and so I commit myself to become humble and allow others to go first to give as I would like to receive - considering others as myself

When and as I see myself like a bull in a china shop when at work, or in public due to me moving too fast, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this creates the consequence of me not caring enough about my environment or others within it slow down and ensure my movements are deliberate and specific to nurture and not bombard that which is around me and so I commit myself to slow down and become aware of every movement I make as deliberately deciding on how I move, and at which speed is most supportive for myself and others

I commit myself to stop rushing through my day

I commit myself to stop rushing by others

I commit myself to stop thinking and believing I must rush/walk fast

I commit myself to practicing and developing this awareness within my walking/movement as to create myself within a constant point of self-directive as my movements - ensure each movement is specific and deliberate within the consideration of what is best for all



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23 January 2017

530: The Need for Speed

The other day I was walking in the grocery store picking up just a few things. I was on my way to work after, but with plenty of time to pick up the few things I needed. There was no rush. However, the way I was walking you would think it was 80 degrees outside and I had a dog in the car. At one point, I went down an isle with a woman who had a cart with her, and was coming toward me, and I going toward her, and there in the middle of us were two workers stocking the shelf. The isle became narrow, and I just plowed my way through - apologizing and excusing myself while I sped past her.

In that moment I realized whoa - here you go... you are walking WAY too fast. You have plenty of time, and look how you just forced yourself through people without stopping. I stopped in my tracks in that moment. I took a breath, and I saw here was the perfect moment to slow down and consider my speed.

I walked slowly to the cash register... reflecting how part of the pattern of my speedy walking is where I don't consider others. I often 'take the lead' where I will go first if ever at a point where me and another person are going in the same direction, or if one must move out of the way to allow the other to get by. That will be me. I actually have been becoming more aware of this in the past year at work, and now here I see how nicely it's tied in with this need for speed. The need for speed in my case equals lacking consideration of others.

How much do we miss when we are zooming through life? How much do we cut off others? How much do we not offer them to go first, to take the lead, to slow down within ourselves, become humble perhaps, and allow others to move first. Why do we need to go first? Why do we feel right to go first? How would we like others to be with us? Moving so fast they cut us off because perhaps they didn't even notice us? Or slow enough to be aware of their surroundings, and so considerate of others?

This also reminds me of something even my co-workers have noticed about me... being like a bull in a china shop. Now while I realize moving fast is necessary at work, doesn't mean I have to be sloppy, or messy, or all over the place. Fastness or speediness can be directive... not whaling about knocking things and people over that are in my path.

So another dimension that goes along with this considerations of others in my slowing down... consideration of my surroundings. Respecting people and things in my environments, directing myself to become patience, slow, and considerate.

Will continue in blogs to come...





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22 January 2017

529: Awareness within the Automated Body

Following up from yesterday's blog, I was talking about this point of walking, and how I've come to walk quite fast in my life. I can see this has been developed through the type of work I do, yet it had spilled over into my every day life, when I'm simply out and about walking around - I am speeding.

So I can see that walking fast has a purpose in a specific context, but I am interested in seeing who I am as slowing down within my walking. As I mentioned, I will share my findings and experiences as I apply it, for now though, self-forgiveness on the lack of questioning and self-direction when walking:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a fast walk without awareness - without ever questioning it but simply allowing a habit to take over apparently without my directive decision

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down when walking when there is no purpose to walk fast, except to automatically live out habits from work

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ever question myself when I am speed walking throughout my day when out and about, but simply to accept it as 'who I am' or 'how I walk'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept such a stance in everything I do - not questioning myself as the origin of the patterns and physical behaviors I've come to create as myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider slowing down when walking as a point of not getting to my destination, but to enjoy the journey

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perhaps miss moments of breath/being here when I walk fast through life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people when they are slow walking as 'in the way' and 'ignorant' to people around them - when I'm in fact the one ignorant to people and things as my environment around me when I am rushing through walking and thus in the way of my own awareness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet utilize the full potential of my psychical body such as the ability it has to reveal to me programmed mind patterns that are unlocked and unleashed when/as I apply a change in my physical body/movement/behavior that is a stray of it's automation

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how my physical body doesn't move just because... there is a source, a reason, an origin point in my life wherein I developed quite specifically how and why I move myself the way I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain unaware of each and every single physical movement I make within/as my physical body - not seeing the whole reality existent as to why I move the way I do

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to slow myself down enough to start questioning and seeing the purpose of each physical movement as what it is revealing about me, about who I am as thought, word, and deed - to see what is exactly here as myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider the reality that is here as my mind and how it influence my psychical body and how it is revealed in my the movements I make in EVERY SINGLE MOMENT of breath

When and as I see myself walking fast outside of work, where walking fast is not necessary, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that there are times when walking fast is necessary, though not in all moments and so I commit myself to start slowing down the speed of my walk as a point of awareness, of directive principle to see what exists within the automation of walking fast as the process of getting to know myself better

I commit myself to reveal to myself different mind patterns existent within my physical body through deliberately changing my physical behavior - the way I stand, the speed of my walk, how I sit, where I put my hands - testing and playing with various ways in which I can see who I am when I change my physical body from what I normally/automatically do

I commit myself to investigate the origins of my physical behavior as to why I do what I do, in those moments when it seems most naturally, or automatic, to start uncovering the layers of the mind in the physical

I commit myself to get to know the reality within me I have yet to allow myself to be aware of yet which is existent within the physical body - in how I move, hold myself, and stand

I commit myself to walk the process of correcting my physical behavior as daring to stand, walk, place myself in physical positions I'm not use to, or that I don't normally do as a point of seeing who I am in the change, of getting to know myself better, and to expand the potential here within/as my physical body - releasing myself form the constraints of the mind patterns that has formed and shaped and moved me as my body



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21 January 2017

528: Walking with Awareness

Today I was reading a group discussion in relation to stress. One of the points brought up was regarding the experience of rushing/fastness when one is stressed. That then brought up the point of the speed in which one walks.

I have for a long time been a fast walker. Generally I must slow down with certain people. Within me there is this 'I'm already steps ahead of you', and I have to literally hold myself back. I have often dubbed this up to being in the service industry most of my adult life and so simply through needing to move fast while at work, this spilled over into my every day life when I'm walking.

I have never really taken any time to look at this point though, so that is why I wanted to write a blog about it - to bring some awareness to myself as I walk, and to see if I can deliberately slow myself down. Within that, I can investigate the experience of slowing down - if there are any thoughts/reactions to slowing down. And in that, can forgive any points that do not support me to slow down, be here, and walk within awareness.

Already I can see that I like to walk with a purpose... or at least that is how I have come to see it. It's interesting though that this point would open up for me now, as I just started a book by one of my favorite authors, Paulo Coelho, and in it (The Pilgrimage) he describes exercises he's taught on a walk - the Road to Santiago, wherein they practice for 20 min every day slowing down the speed of the walk by half so that the focus is not about getting to your destination, but to be here, aware, and engaging with what's around you.

So I will take this as an opportunity to slow myself down - physically - in my walk, and as my journey. I have come to see that physical behavior influence the thoughts I have, and so the experience of myself, just like the thoughts I have can influence the physical behavior. So whether we are changing our thoughts, or our body - both are an equal opportunity to become self-directive.

One example of this is where I was supported to change my physical posture - and within practicing that, standing up straighter, opening up my chest, I could see all sorts of reactions that I still am walking through today. And so changing the pace in which I walk, and establishing a self-directive within it, I'm sure will open up more flood gates as thought patterns ingrained in my physical body. It's amazing and actually a cool reference point I never really saw or considered before this moment... when changing our physical behavior, we can unleash and unlock physically ingrained patterns we've developed and participated in throughout times. How cool is that... simply change your physical stance in some moment and see what reveals itself. Your body, just like your mind, here to assist and support you in getting to know yourself as who you've created, accepted and allowed yourself to be.

I suggest anyone else wanting to see the gift that is the physical, and the trappings of the mind - take one physical behavior, like how you old your hands, or how you are postured, or how fast or slow you walk, and deliberately change it... see what the mind reveals to you about you!

I will share my findings in blogs to come!





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