334: Victimizing Myself within my own Decision
So while writing this out, I realized that I did in fact have the time, as the physical reality as my actions showed that I was using my time for certain things that were not necessary and could be exchanged for this new point I wanted to add to my schedule. So that is the first point of support or the first point I realized within this is that I can trust the physical reality - my physical action and that the thoughts or back chats coming up within my mind that tell me "I don't have enough time" is not valid because in physical reality it was evident that I in fact did. So a point of support for myself and others - don't trust the thoughts/back chats/ideas in your mind - investigate it, check with your physical actions/physical reality for the truth of a situation and use that as a guide in terms of how to direct yourself in your life.
Writing more about this point I realized that I had created this relationship towards my responsibilities within a starting point of a negative experience wherein I was not seeing it from the perspective of self-support and what is necessary to be done, it was as if I was looking at it as something I was 'forced' to do, and in that feeling as if I had no choice and so pushed myself through the responsibilities, yet not clearly as a self-directive statement of who I am, instead I was almost like victimizing myself to my responsibilities and so even almost having like a resentment towards them. From there, I created the polarity relationship towards entertainment wherein to get that positive experience that I did not have towards my responsibilities, I instead turned to entertainment as the release point for this whole polarity play-out. So once I 'pushed myself through' my responsibilities, I would reward myself for doing what I didn't want to do with the positive experience of entertaining myself as if I was 'letting go' and able to relax.
So here I will go into the self forgiveness for the relationship I created towards my daily responsibilities and the outflow from that as being this relationship towards entertainment as well as the excuses I was using to not asses my physical actions as an indicator of whether I had the time to add this new point into my schedule or not, and instead simply trusted my mind that suggested I did not have the time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a negative experience towards my responsibilities as seeing it as 'so much' and 'too much to get done' and within this, seeing it as separate from me here, as something that is bigger than me and more than me and not seeing it as an outflow of/as me and to within this, feel inferior to all the things needing to be done in my day - instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that my 'responsibilities' are actions that support me in accumulating specific goals within my life - such as homework, which everything needed to be done for a class is the process or journey that I must walk to get to the goal and in general, one of the purposes of my education, which is to get a degree and so within that, seeing it is necessary for me to do the homework and apply myself within the homework and not something that "I have to do" but something that is necessary to be done in order to complete my education and so is something practical and actually support me in my overall process of self-discovery; getting to know myself, as well as getting to know our world through my process of education
And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist my responsibilities as something I don't have a choice within, thinking and believing I am forced to do my responsibilities, such as homework, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that it was I who made the decision to go to college and so it was my decision to walk the necessary process and steps that are required for me to fulfill the requirement for my degree - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the credit or end result of something without taking the necessary steps, doing the work and putting in the time and effort to actually get it done - here realizing that in physical reality, it takes action and commitment to do the things necessary for such outcomes, as things do not magically appear by themselves and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect certain results without wanting to apply myself in actually doing what is necessary to be done to get those results
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a starting point, towards my responsibilities such as homework, within a negative experience/relationship wherein I see them as something "I don't want to do" and to within this, think I don't have a choice in the matter, I "Have to do it anyways" and so from here, push myself through as forcing myself to do it, even when I don't want to and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept such a state or experience in relation to my responsibilities without questioning what it is that I 'don't want to do' or have this negative experience towards it about, realizing that it's not about the homework or the other responsibilities I have - it is in fact about me and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a victim or without choice in relation to homework and other responsibilities and to thus, move myself through these points within an experience of resentment or lack of real attention and effort as I am doing 'only what is necessary' and thus not giving it my all in terms of putting myself completely and totally into and as my responsibilities and thus completely engaging myself within the current process I walk in relation to education and other responsibilities
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in and trust my 'not wanting to do all of this stuff' as something that is valid and so allowing wants to direct me instead of assessing what is practical within physical reality and what is necessary to do in terms of the current process I am walking in relation to school and so I forgive myself that i Have never accepted and allowed myself to question completely, and totally my 'want's in relation to what I do during my day as to ensure my 'wants' and desires or energies are not directing me, but I am directing me here, physical within the actions I take and the steps necessary for me to accomplish while I am busy within the process of completing my education
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in general see my responsibilities such as school/education within a negative context wherein I have separated myself from my education process as if it's something 'happening to me' and not something I am directing myself within and as and to from there, create a relationship where I am not completely and fully engaging myself within all that is necessary for me to do within my responsibilities, such as school, as I am moving myself through it simply to get it over with, this constant friction and struggle to 'just get it done and over with' instead of something I can enjoy, appreciate, slow myself down within and really participate in the process that I am currently walking in relationship to responsibilities such as school/homework/education
Commitment statements in the next blog...
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Huge one. Thank you :)
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