Kristina's Journey to Life

What I'm going to do here is support myself to write in the moment. A lot of times I come prepared with something to write about - with an idea or point specifically I want to write about, or more so a point I hold onto as to ensure I have 'something' to write about, as another way to get this over with, to make sure I have something so I'm not feeling like I have nothing to offer or.... it's like a long pause here and second guessing myself in this moment, wanting to stop and try something else. Always looking for the best way to place myself as these words, or how can I do something 'better' that will make me more comfortable within how I think I am presenting myself to others and how in turn others will respond/react to me and of course, always wanting the most desirable outcome I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to prepare and present myself as these words in a way that makes me look the best and that will give me the...

Something I am noticing within myself recently is this point of 'acting out' in reaction and then later coming back to whomever it was that I acted out towards or was around me when I was in a reaction and saying, "I'm sorry - I see I reacted, that was unnecessary, forgive me" as a way to take responsibility for how I acted/reacted. There is nothing wrong with this necessarily, I mean after a reaction, I face the fact that I was reacting and experience the guilt or shame that comes with not standing in a moment and it can be a point of support to learn/understand what happened in that moment and how I can thus correct it in future moments. Yet I'm seeing this is becoming frequent and suggest I am not actually getting to know the reactions/why I am reacting and walking the process necessary to correct it and create solutions for me to utilize in such moments and instead just allowing myself to go into them, to act out, and then later attempt to take res...

I noticed at work a lot of reactions within my mind in relation to specific beings in my reality. The reactions were in the form of blame and anger and the more these thoughts/reactions were coming up - the more outwardly I expressed this anger as an expression of myself as my words and physical movement/behavior and allowed it to exist as me in who I was at work. Meaning - a co-worker was being playful with me and joking around and I was 'stuck' in this mode of anger because I was giving attention to what was going on within my mind that was anger and blame and resentment towards another. The 'another' was not physically in my environment so obviously this is the Mind at work, and it's points that have been surfacing over the last few weeks that I have made a point to write out for myself but have not gotten to it yet. And so I became angry and expressed this friction I was having within myself towards this other being in my actual, physical environment. I m...

***This is another blog taken from my own writing before and in relation to my trip to NY Monday, November 18th, 2013 Today a pimple is emerging on the left side of my face, right outside of my lips and it’s swollen a bit which I have had this same point emerge before. When I saw it, I reacted to it and thought “Oh no – not while I’m on camera” and I imagined it would get bigger and I would look foolish and not attractive on television. I then imagined my face breaking out and not ‘feeling’ good about the interview and in this fear my experience would become unstable and not be able to effectively communicate within the interview. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within a pimple growing on my face and within this fear it will only get bigger and it will be apparent on television and then within this feared others judging me as I've judged myself as not looking good with the pimple I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ...

Written Tuesday, November 19th, 2013 Tomorrow I am going to NY to be interviewed on a talk show. Lol - that is not something someone might write everyday. I was invited to be on the Dr. Oz show to discuss my past experience of having an addiction to weed. Yes - I was addicted to weed and don't believe the myth that you can't get addicted to weed. Absolutely you can, because it's not actually the weed you are addicted to - it's the feeling and experience you create when 'being high' and so whether it's smoking weed or shopping or eating or drinking alcohol - there is a specific experience one generate in the action that we become addicted to. The 'feel good' energy, the 'letting loose' feeling, the 'relaxing' sensation or the 'I have no worries' belief. When in reality, we are not willing to face ourselves in how we actually experience ourselves, day in and day out, moment to moment, so we use a substance or a specific ...

***This blog's writing is taken from my personal writings over the weekend, after I was presented with the opportunity to go to NY to be on Dr. Oz.  Sunday, November 17th, 2013 I am going to NY on Wednesday to be on the Dr. Oz show. There are a few points that come up Firstly I am nervous about being on television and fearing how people will react to me and if it’s something I “should” do I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nervous at the thought/idea of being on television, as defining it as something big and special and something to be nervous about instead of stopping,  breathing and not going into my mind in defining a future moment as something bigger and instead bringing myself back here, to the actual physical moment and walk breath by breath I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear how people will react to me if they see me on television in thinking they will judge me or not like what I...

This is a continuation of a series I've been walking through writing, which you can see here: 271: Stuck in the Mind 272: Our Responsibility to become Self-Aware 273: Points of Anger, Impatience, Blame and Comparisons The next point that I can see within the initial writings is placed here: I then realized I missed the usual movement one would make in such a situation - when the yellow light turns red, and you are in the intersection - you make the turn. And then after realizing this, I wanted to cry. It was like an accumulation of an overall  experience  I've been having the last few days where it's like I feel like I am not stable and missing so many things and losing touch with my awareness. This moment triggered the reaction within me of feeling stupid and dumb and it was like how could I miss such a simple point. What I can see here is a moment of accumulation spill over into the emotion energy of self judgment and frustration. Basically I was co...

I am continuing here from the previous blogs -  271: Stuck in the Mind  and  272: Our Responsibility to Become Self-Aware . I am going to proceed with reviewing the initial blog in this series and open up some more points I wrote out about this particular moment I had in my car. The next point here would be where I write specifically, "While I was backing up, I realized I couldn't and didn't actually have the space, because someone was behind me. Then I looked to my left and saw a women who wanted to turn, but couldn't because I was in her way, motioning me to go ahead and make the turn. In this moment, I reacted and was like, "No - I can't do that - it's red" and I reacted to her not realizing the situation that I was 'stuck' where I was. But then I got frustrated because it was like I didn't want to sit there, in her way and waiting for the light - so I said 'fuck it' within myself and made the turn. In that I reacted thinkin...

In continuing from yesterdays post , the first thing that I see required attention from looking it over was this point of 'where I was' when coming to the intersection where I required to make a left hand turn. What I see is that the last week, as I said in the previous blog, was a lot of things coming up within my mind that I have allowed myself to be distracted by and not utilize the tool and even responsibility I have to breathe - always bringing myself back to/as awareness within breathing because what I can see from this point of 'where I was' or 'have been' in the last week is within my mind and thus not breathing. And so 'losing touch' with actual, physical reality which is where self awareness exists. So in this moment I laid out for myself yesterday, it's clear my first mistake was not being disciplined in my application of breathing. I did not consider the normal way of how to proceed when one is in the middle of the intersection to...

Today while I was driving home from having breakfast with my dad - I was coming up to a left turn I had to make, with the turn light blinking yellow. I yielded and waited for the oncoming cars to pass so that it was clear for me to go. As I was in the intersection, the yellow flashing light turned solid and then turned red. Usually in such a moment, one would go ahead and make the turn, since I was already in the middle of the intersection. Yet for me - in this moment, I wanted to back up. I looked behind me and started to reverse. The notion of going ahead with the turn didn't even come into my awareness . Instead it was like I was in the way now of other cars and I had to move. While I was backing up, I realized I couldn't and didn't actually have the space, because someone was behind me. Then I looked to my left and saw a women who wanted to turn, but couldn't because I was in her way, motioning me to go ahead and make the turn. In this moment, I reacted and was li...