Kristina's Journey to Life

A point I've noticed the last couple days or the last week is this reaction to 'all the points' that are coming up within me/my mind that I see I can investigate or work with in writing and self forgiveness and in that the reaction is 'where do I start' or "there is too many points" and I do not even then begin the process. So what I see is that I can direct myself to actually direct these points coming up within me as I've learned and created to organize myself - within a structure that is effective in working with each point, one at a time . The reaction I am having is unnecessary as I have more than enough time and the ability to organize myself in such a way where I can give attention and direction to each of the points. All it requires is my self willingness to actually direct the points. So instead of seeing all these points coming up within me and saying, "oh yes - I can investigate this point more..." and then not doing it an...

Today I saw resistance towards studying. Because I have had this resistance experience towards studying before, today there was some stuff 'piled up' to get done and in that, more resistance as in thinking "this is too much now". This is just the consequence of what one allow when things get put off 'for later' in accepting and allowing resistance in the first place. So prevention was possible and obviously the best cure. This is also a point I have been facing/working with - yet without an effective solution I am walking that I am satisfied with. Yet - still working with it and so tonight's blog - in relation to the resistance towards studying and the ways in which I 'walk around it', justifying me putting it off. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to studying through and as defining school work as difficult or challenging or me as not being 'good enough' or 'good at it' and to wi...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of points within myself, within my life that I have attached value to as being important or somehow giving me something that without - I could not or would not have I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the attachments I have created towards points separate and outside of me here, through and as my mind I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of those points within myself and within my life that I have attached a positive energy and definition towards - where I do not want to let go of them at all, I fear letting go of them because I fear not having them/it I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself within defining myself according to something outside and separate from me here as having a positive value judgment I have given to it and to within this define myself as better or more or my life...

Tonight I was writing about some memories from a fear (interesting - meant to write few here) years ago, in relation to a particular experience I faced and how I reacted within that - realizing I never really gave myself the opportunity to write it out for myself and actually look at what happened and how I, myself, played out the whole experience within me and within my life . This memory/time in my life was specific in that it was the point in my life where I realized the process of self forgiveness. This was before I ever was introduced to Self Forgiveness as a structured application of taking self responsibility and as a self clearing/cleansing - it was before I ever found desteni. I came to the conclusion that the only way I would be able to let go of the experiences I was having at that stage in my life would be to forgive myself for my past, what I had done - I mean I was in the point of self blame and regret and it was consuming me within my mind to the point where it was ...

A pattern I see myself live out time and time again is this point of moving within a certain responsibility or task, commitment or decision on a particular project and what I will do is go into the point motivated and with energy as thinking "I can do this - this will be fun and easy and I see it's cool support for me" - yet what happens is the energy as the reaction to the imagination of actually doing it and thinking how I will feel about it when it's done is like the whole play out in the mind that I then settle on and thus do not actually manifest in my reality - I don't actually live out/walk through/complete the things I set forth for myself, instead I accept them as the internal reality I see for myself and within that become satisfied as if that is real or actually living - clearly it is not. The problem here I see is the starting point from which I move into these points/projects/commitments as an energetic high of feeling positive about doing the th...

Here the self corrective statements and commitment in relation to my previous blog post: When and as I see myself reacting toward another's words, expression or behavior in relation to feeling unworthy or not good enough, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself here, back to my body, back to where real worth exists as who I am as the physical, as life and so I breathe within seeing/realizing/understanding that the reaction is in separating myself from the relationship with me - the relationship I have within my own self worth and indicate I am not yet giving/living self worth as who I am here and so I commit myself to stop looking for worth outside of myself here, outside of the very breath I breathe and commit to realizing that real worth as who I am is defined and determined in every moment of breath, every thought, word, deed and as who I am in this life, how I live, what principles I stand by - those are the real determining factors of self worth and thus I com...

Yesterday’s blog was my ranting and raving on this point I've participated in throughout my life within relationships . They were the main players in my search to fill my self worth. Obviously indicating I was not seeing, accepting, living or embracing worth within myself in any way and actually believed that another could give this or offer this to me. I've known for some time now that is absolutely not true and the only way to know real worth is to live it as myself as who I am, how I live, the principles I live by and to no longer accepting and allowing the abuse of myself and others that is created within seeking self worth in separation of myself. So self forgiveness … I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe self worth can be and will be found in a relationship with another I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there is no way one can find SELF worth in another as the words indicate – SEL...

Continuing here from the self worth points I have been walking. I started with this acceptance within myself where I stated “I am not good enough, not worthy” and saw how easily it is for anyone to come to such a conclusion in a world where money is valued as what is worthy of/in life and the more you have, apparently the more you are – so I saw how in general, how this world is set up in terms of the economic system – the value system being out of whack as it is – produce such ideas within people. However, I also see my responsibility within this – in accepting this point within myself and thus the self forgiveness and self correction application that must be walked. Okay – so I will continue with the next point I placed for myself in that first blog of this series , where I said, “I accepted and allowed myself to define my self worth and being good enough outside and separate from me here - in a relationship with another” Alright – well this is a big point for me...

In the last few blogs I have been writing about this point of self worth and how I have come to accept that it's something I must find outside of myself - either through relationships or fashion or the amount of money I have or don't have. Today was interesting because I saw yet another point within myself in relation to defining my self worth and the experience thereof on something outside of myself. I had class today and the experience of myself before class was that of frustration and irritation - again. That is now twice this week. I could see what I was accepting and allowing within myself that then created this frustration - so I slowed myself down and breathed as to not accept and allow myself to continue participating in the frustration and irritation and instead let it go and bring myself back to myself in the moment. Once I got to class, the professor was handing back a test we took from last week. I recall not being as confident taking that test as I have ...