14 January 2016

440: Your Process Will be Known Once it's Lived...

Today I became a bit emotional while having a conversation with my partner. We were speaking about a chat I had earlier with a friend, and how we were discussing the point of me not yet having such a clear, specific, defined ‘point’ as a purpose I’m taking in my life. I have been busy getting my survival point in place since moving to Canada from the US, and I have not had a lot of time given to other aspects, or opportunities, or even interests in my life.

While chatting with the friend, there was not an emotional energy around the topic of discussion, there was more an understanding of where I am currently, and where I have been, and what is necessary to move forward, as creating a stable living for myself, financially speaking, to ensure I am in a position to move within other things. It is quite difficult to focus on other aspects of one’s life when their financial situation (survival) is not secure. So now that that is stable, I can again, re-look at where I would like to invest more of my time and attention – what am I passionate about, what am I driven towards, what can I get motivated about, what do I want to learn more about, where do I want to give my time and attention to? So the chat overall was supportive, as I could see what was necessary for me to create the ‘point’ in myself and in my life.

Though, while discussing this later with my partner, there was much more emotional energy attach to it. I became quite emotional in fact, I couldn’t even speak because I felt the tears would just come crashing down. I felt weak, and sad, and lost in a way. And this is interesting because it was not the story earlier in the day. So what is the difference?

My partner is in quite the opposite situation – his direction is quite clear at the moment, with ‘his point’, with what he is doing. He in a way has always had this particular interest, and it’s something he’s invested many years in, being educated in, and now making a business out of. For me, I never had such a point – so in a way, I feel inferior or like lacking when I compare myself to him/his life. I feel somehow something is missing within me, because after all – look, "he’s got such a clear point/direction."

Though I realize I cannot compare, and definitely should not be judging myself because it’s two different lives, two different processes, two different expressions. So while they are not the same, they are still equally valuable, and one is not more or less than the other.

So standing alone, not comparing myself to anyone, there is no emotion attached to what I see I am currently facing, as a blank slate and an opportunity to create new doors to open as the vast options I Have in where I would like to invest myself more. And while it’s not specific, clear cut and completely focused – it still is an opportunity for me to create, and expand, and grow, and decide for myself what I would like to do. Though… the moment I compare myself to another, is the moment I dis-honor myself and get lost in what I don’t have, or what I am missing, or what I am lacking in relation to another – using another to define myself within a negative context. When it doesn’t have to be that way. I can simply see what another does, what skills it takes, what expressions they are living, what words they are developing as their living application and use as an example, rather than using it against myself to sabotage myself into feeling something about me that is not accurate, but only fuels an energy that keeps me in such a thought pattern of “I don’t have a point/what's the point!” It's just pointless self-pity.

It’s very important for me to not define myself by what I do or don’t do, or that I don’t have such a clear-cut direction as some others. My process and life is unique, though equally as valuable as all others, and so it’s rather to learn and take examples from others that I can utilize in my own life – what do I want to do, what do I want to learn, how do I want to develop, what skills do I want to incorporate in my life. These are all constructive comparisons. The emotional experience I had today, and have had for quite some time is emotional manipulation – putting myself into a position of dis-empowerment rather than self-empowerment. Comparisons can be beneficial, if we don’t use it to separate ourselves from another – as creating inequality.

Process, and this Life, is about Self-Creation. Letting go of who we have been as the idea we’ve created about ourselves, and decide for ourselves within self-honesty and self-forgiveness what is best for all as the expression we gift to ourselves and the world. My point will become clear once it’s clear. As long as I am living as my directive principle, I have a direction, and that is to create the best version of me – to bring through my utmost potential, to live within principles that are best for all. In time, I will learn more specifically where I am suited, and in doing what. Until then – I do my best in all that is Here and within my current responsibility.

Self-Forgiveness in the blog to follow

**Before Posting.. I re-read this and re-called something someone once said to me that is quite perfect for this blog... He said, "Your Process will be Known Once it's Lived." Yes - right on. Thanks, B.**



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