Tomorrow I am going to NY to be interviewed on a talk show. Lol - that is not something someone might write everyday.
So this is what the discussion will be about - weed and addiction. It's been three years since the last time I smoked weed and now having this opportunity to share my story with it, it's almost like a 'oh yeah - I forgot that I had that addiction - I forgot what a major point that was actually in my life, and for as long as it was.' My dependency-relationship with weed was on and off for about 9 years.
I can sit here and say I have absolutely overcome my addiction to weed, I have no thoughts, needs, desires or urge to have that in my life - but you see, the addiction personality still exists. It seems so many things in my life I have allowed this 'over use' to exist where I just want more and more and more of one thing that will give me a particular positive experience. So if it wasn't weed, it was relationships. If it wasn't relationships, it was certain foods. If it wasn't certain foods, it was something else, anything in my life that I saw if I did it and it made me food good, I wanted more of it. It's like you have that one moment with something that you allow an experience within yourself where you are like, "omg - this is great, this feels so good, I cannot believe how much I am enjoying this" and then the everlasting chase begins.
You don't want it to end, you never want it to end, you just want more and more and more. It's the ultimate point of our consumerism world - you consume and consume and consume, whatever it is you are using to get your 'high' until you have consumed your whole life and self unto this one point. And that one point becomes your god, your dependent, your crutch. You cannot leave your house or enjoy being with friends or finish a shift at work without having this high or thoughts about having this high. I mean that is how it was for me - I took my use of weed to the extreme. To the point where I was doing it in secret, I was hiding the reality of how much I was using it. I was looking for it from friends, I was sneaking in a hit here and there when no one was around, I would opt out of hanging out with people to stay home and just get high. I would run off to the bathroom when I was out at bars to take a quick hit. It was like, I couldn't stand to be here, without any experiences that I got from weed, and so I thought I 'needed' it. I mean it came in waves and sometimes I was better within it than other times during that 9 years, but I allowed it to have complete power over me in terms of having to arrange my life around making sure I had the pot.
I am ranting a bit here and did want to bring a specific point through into this blog tonight. So here was just a very quick re-cap of my relationship towards weed throughout my life. I stopped going to high school during my use and ended up going to treatment, by my own decision. I was not happy with what I was doing and was tired of the consistency of my behavior, that I saw was not cool. So you could say I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, because with any point you use to get your high, eventually the reality of who you are within it is unavoidable and the destructive behavior spills into your reality as consequences. For me, it was the internal consequences I was creating, the more I did it, the more I thought I needed it and the more it created the experience of myself when not on it that I did actually need it. Trapping myself in my own creation.
So I went to treatment and stopped using weed for a couple years. I finished high school at a sober school and hung out with people who were my age and stopping their own addictions. I started working and stayed sober, like I said, for a couple years. Then, one day, the moment I can still clearly see, I decided I wanted to drink alcohol. When I stopped smoking weed, I also stopped drinking alcohol. But that moment, when I was about 20 years old, I opened the door up again for the creation of my addiction. First it was alcohol, but over time and after being around it enough - the weed re-entered my life. Coming from the past I had of being addicted to weed, I convinced myself that I would not allow it to get to the point again. I regulated my use and said to many, "I'm fine using it, it's not a problem anymore." But over time, slowly but surely, it became a problem again. Again I faced the reality that I did not want to face myself or my reality without weed. It was a full blown dependency and I didn't want to be around anyone or do anything but smoke my weed. I was creeping into a self created hole that I didn't think and actually feared I could never get out of.
But I did. I started learning about writing, breathing, self forgiveness, self corrective application, principles to apply within my life where I could actually start giving myself direction in life. Giving myself back the ability to live actually. At the end of my addiction to weed, I had basically given up all hope. I saw who I was, how deceptive and destructive my behavior was, how so out of control I felt and thinking there was no way I could figure out how to stop this. Perhaps I didn't even necessary consider 'getting out' - I simply accepted who I was and what I was doing, even though within myself, standing way in the back, the me I suppressed with weed - I knew I could live and do better than what I was accepting of me.
Participating with Desteni and applying the tools was absolutely the turning point for me to once and for all let go of this addiction. To let go of weed - but like I said, it wasn't weed that I was addicted to, it's was the feeling and escapism I was addicted to. In getting high all the time, I was trying to run away and hide, to suppress even the feelings I had about me, my life, my family, my world... things seemed so unnatural and destructive and no real purpose to our existence and I wanted to simply not have to face it anymore. But I realized I must face it. That is the only way to change it. That is actually the only real purpose in this Life - Face the Reality of Who we are, what we have become and what we have created as our world, on this Earth. So I removed pot from my life and anything that was causing a 'mind-altering' state, no weed - no alcohol. I dared myself to ground myself and live without these things and face the truth of myself in every moment - no more hiding behind a drug to make me feel a certain way so that I could then present myself a certain way - I was ready to get real and live without shame. I knew that if I lived in any way that i feared another finding out about - I was being absolutely deceptive in my life. So I put away the pot and starting walking the Process that I am still walking.
And three years later I am offered to fly to NY and be a part of a discussion coming to surface - has the consequences of our addictive nature become apparent in the seemingly socially acceptable use of pot? I am here to say yes, absolutely. Weed is not 'bad' nor is any drug necessarily 'bad' - it's WHO WE ARE within ALL that we do. So weed is not the culprit, the Human is the creator of the human experience and what is accepted and allowed within and without, internally and externally. Your actions, your words, your thoughts are what currently define who you are. So is who you are self responsible, self honest and willing to change the nature of the habitual ways we've accepted as our existence or are we willing to STOP and remove the layers of self deception and the means in which we use to cover our eyes, to see what has always been here yet we have failed to face.
Ready to get Real and Live without Shame? Start with the Desteni 'I' Process Lite - it is a free course that introduces you to the self-support tools of breathing, writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application as well as principles to live by that support you to overcome even your greatest of addiction. Many have done it, are doing it and I am just one example with one story of addiction that I was able to take responsibility for and the power to change within my life. Give yourself the gift of Life and Living.
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