22 November 2013

276: Pimples, Projections and Perceptions

***This is another blog taken from my own writing before and in relation to my trip to NY

Monday, November 18th, 2013

Today a pimple is emerging on the left side of my face, right outside of my lips and it’s swollen a bit which I have had this same point emerge before. When I saw it, I reacted to it and thought “Oh no – not while I’m on camera” and I imagined it would get bigger and I would look foolish and not attractive on television. I then imagined my face breaking out and not ‘feeling’ good about the interview and in this fear my experience would become unstable and not be able to effectively communicate within the interview.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within a pimple growing on my face and within this fear it will only get bigger and it will be apparent on television and then within this feared others judging me as I've judged myself as not looking good with the pimple

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to know what points specifically this pimple is manifesting from out of fear of having it on Wednesday and within this desiring to be able to find the point, release the point through self forgiveness and have it gone by Wednesday

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to use/apply myself within self forgiveness purely for vanity reasons so that I don’t have to face the definitions I have given to myself within how my face looks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pimples as ugly and unattractive and within a negative polarity charge and to within this – fear experiencing/facing the definitions I have given to pimples, instead of embracing the pimples as a manifestations of my physical body that perhaps is supporting me within my process and releasing any points that I have not yet able to effectively identify and release myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how others see me and to within this fear others will judge me and define me according to how I’ve judged and defined myself within having a pimple

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about what I look like on television than who I am as a being, an individual and the process I have walked and the experiences that I’ve had and so within this, what I’ve come to know about myself and realize within the potential of expressing life in equality

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my experience must change if I were to have a pimple, instead of realizing that if I allow this then I am less than the pimple and so I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the pimple on my face as who I am here as my physical body through defining it within a negative polarity charge of energy and definition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being on camera, to fear being in the public eye and sharing myself in fear others will judge me to have a weak character for having an addiction to weed, instead of realizing that it’s what I did yet it’s no longer a part of my life besides the fact that it was a point and process and journey I had to walk through to support me to realize who I really am and so instead of judging my past, face my past and share it without shame within the principle of what is best for all as here I realize someone else might experience what I've gone through and within this – reach out and find solutions for themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself within the future as imagination within my mind as being in NY at the studio and imagining energy as fear and anxiety take me over and not be able to stabilize myself instead of remaining here, practicing breathing – which is the application I can utilize to support myself within walking moment to moment and being able to stand unconditional in what I share – not fearing to hide anything in me realizing that I’m grateful for what I've gone through because I’m grateful for where I am now

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to place value on how others might see me on the show and to within this allow reactions of fear and resistance to exist within me in trusting the opinions of others about me instead of trusting myself as who I am here and the process I've walked to get me to where I am today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others not being able to understand me and the words I speak when in the interview – fearing being to vague and not making sense instead of stopping and using the moment to bring myself here, stand in the moment as here and express myself unconditionally without fear of what others think or say or do about me within realizing that it does not reflect or define who I am – I do that in every moment

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being liked

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear putting myself out there in fear of the consequences it will create

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to make this interview more than what it is, and more than myself and to within this create fear as inferiority in thinking I don’t deserve this or think it doesn't make sense for me to do this and to within this think I cannot do this, instead of realizing that everything is specific and I will myself to stand within the principle of self responsibility, honesty, openness and unconditional expression of who I am as the words I speak

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to think weed is something I should be ashamed about to be addicted to

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to desire attention and respect for going on the show and sharing my story of being addicted to weed in defining this as something shameful and foolish and so in facing this, think others should respect me for it as a way to make myself feel better within the fear

When and as I see myself reacting to how I look physically and fearing having pimples on my face as how others might see/judge me as I've allowed myself to see/judge myself, I stop and I breathe and bring myself out of the mind and back here in/as my physical body in standing equal to ALL of my physical body - which includes the pimple and become grateful for the support of my physical body in releasing any emotional reactions or excess toxins through/as the pimple and stop giving value vanity over the functioning of the physical body and so I commit myself to breathe and stand with my body and no in the mind as separating myself in defining myself according to pictures and images I've used to compare and define myself as either positive or negative, I stand here with physical reality and my physical body in/as equality and oneness

When and as I see myself projecting myself into the future in fear of not being able to communicate or express myself effectively, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself out of the mind and back here into/as physical reality and not allow myself to create reactions through participating in the mind as I see/realize/understand that I've walked a process in establishing myself within self support and thus am able to support myself to walk moment to moment and let go of any reactions as energies through the mind and allow myself to simply be in the moment, enjoying and expressing myself to the best of my ability, unconditionally

When and as I see myself fearing how others will see me or judge me for my past in being addicted to weed - I stop and I breathe and do not allow myself to value another perception of me over who I am as a living, breathing being here and use how i live and the principles I apply in my life to determine who I am and no be defined by my past and bring through the awareness that I have openly shared my past addictions and there is no shame as it is a process I've walked through in my life to get me to a point where I am now and that is within the process of talking self responsibility for myself and who I am and how I live and thus no judgment for the life I have lived, only reflection and investigating as to why and how I function and for what reasons and re-aligning it to be within principles that create and transform me into a being of integrity, honesty, openness and self directive in each moment here and thus able to stand without being influenced by others opinions or perspective of me but living in ways where I can stand by and as who I am here without shame or fear




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