Okay – so I will continue with the next point I placed for myself in that first blog of this series, where I said,
“I accepted and allowed myself to define my self worth and being good enough outside and separate from me here - in a relationship with another”
In relationships in my past this point was always ‘here’ for me in terms of always having specific feedback that said to me that I am beautiful, I am special, I am good enough, I am worthy… again as how I defined self worth. So once I was in a relationship, it was like I was settled and content with myself and no longer had to sit with this experience of feeling inadequate or unworthy – because I had a partner that would exist in ways for me that validated this point for me – this point of self worth.
So quite a fuck up as I see/realize/understand that the responsibility I was placing of my lack of self worth onto another/my relationship. And I never questioned this before because it felt so good to have another swoon over you and say things to you and interact with you in ways that simply feed your ego in how you define yourself. That is the fuck up of relationships as they currently exist – there is no self questioning or investigation or slowing down even; no self honesty – there is only this latching onto this point outside of you to use for your own self interested purposes of fulfilling those parts of yourself that you have separated yourself from – or to sustain the current version of yourself that you believe is you yet is only a parasitic ego that feeds off the compliments and good feelings another provides.
In agreements – man, that shit does not exist – which is absolutely supportive for one to stop their self-delusions about who they think they are and what they need and exposes so much of the deception that exists within our minds – yet when a point such as self worth is defined and determined by another, outside of myself as in a relationship with me, as how I have always existed, automatically and without question – and then I find that I am not given that point of self worth as validation through their words and actions – wow, that’s when the system crashes – lol. Seriously though – throughout my life relationships have been that point of validation for me that I have sought after relentlessly to tell me I am good enough and worthy. Yet it was always based on illusion – things that didn't matter, things that I defined as who I am, like how I look and the clothes I wear and how others saw/perceived me or how much positive feelings I could get – it was never according to things that really matter such as how I live, who I am, living principles or getting to know myself and another for real, without the facade as the fake image we present to ensure we get what we want.
So relationship – major factor in my life to determine my self worth. Currently – I am not being supported within this point of getting my fix of self worth through relationship and this was what really set this whole point up for me to face and take responsibility for. That it’s time for me to stop ‘needing’ another to validate my self worth, to tell me I’m good enough or that I’m worthy and it’s time for me to stand on my own two feet, stable and absolute as my own self worth – living it here as myself and no longer using another to do this for me. I mean that is where real relationships exist – when we are no longer needing or wanting something from our partners because we are giving to ourselves that which only we can – self acceptance, self love, self worth, self trust, self intimacy – I mean man, imagine – you stand within such points as who you are – you no longer need anything/anyone outside of yourself to give to you these things, then you are standing absolute as who you really are and thus can express unconditionally within a relationship as you are no longer coming from a point of self interest – abusing another in fact for your own source of self definition. I mean relationships are quite abusive in how I have lived them throughout my life – there was no real care in such a relationship because it was always within the starting point of looking to get something out of it, whether it’s a self definition or love or sex… relationships are the stomping ground for self abuse and abuse of another; using each other for the mental games we play of thinking and believing another will fulfill us and lift us up and make everything glorious and grand – when the truth is in such a reality as ours, love does not exist and when one find themselves in a relationship of love and bliss realize there is only blindness, because such a thing cannot exist in a world of suffering. The truth of who we are and our world is in fact ugly and that is the ugly truth we must face, as ourselves, in relationships to be able to actually understand what the hell is going on in this world, why human beings seem to lack any real humanity and why we are all so blind to how our world and reality actually function; where is our responsibility, our participation and our ability to actually change anything?
So I realize I am in quite a cool position in terms of facing myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become in this world; an ego of self interest looking in all ways to use others and abuse others for my own purposes. Agreements are the STOPPING grounds of our abuse and deception. That is the nature we are here to change. And so I realize that ALL relationships I have had in the past – the blissful ignorance I existed as, I was caught up and shutting myself off to the rest of the world and when things started to ‘get real’ in terms of the energy running out and all of a sudden you are faced with an experience that ‘you don’t like’ or ‘can’t handle’ – that’s when I would head for the hills… looking for any ways to justify why the relationship would have to end. The moment when I could start getting to the reality of myself – I would run away.
Okay – so again, the reason and purpose as to why I am here, why I write, why I self forgive and give myself corrections to live in my life – because how I have existed in relationships, within myself, within my mind, within this reality is unacceptable and I’m here to stop and change it.
Starting with this point of self worth. No more looking outside of myself and at relationships or another to give to me this – as I realize I can and am able to give this/live this as myself. I will continue with self forgiveness in the blog to follow.
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