07 June 2013

192: Suppressing Sadness

Continuing here in the series I have been walking, laying out myself in the memories I found that fueled this point of fear of being bullied - realizing that I was the bully I am now fearing. You can start from the beginning in the first blog here.

So will continue applying the self forgiveness for the accepted and allowed self I was in this memory with the following points:

*This is not in the memory/written out, but as I write here, I see there was sadness within me for what I had just done, that I could do that to another being, that I could do that to my friend, and ultimately I knew it was dishonest, but my fear of not being accepted and thus desiring to be accepted was stronger then my concern for her and so I suppressed the sadness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my own fear and desire and self interest to become more than what I accepted and defined myself as, as being inferior to two girls in my class, decide to take action against my friend that ultimately was not best for her or for myself, as within it, I was acting in way that was dishonest with myself, I was lying to myself in telling myself I was inferior to others and needed to be equal in how I defined their superiority and so within this, abusing another that I also defined as inferior as way to make myself more, to be better then her and myself, and to prove I was worthy of being friends with the "cool/superior" girls in my class

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my dishonesty as the decision I made to dump Cristina, and yet turn my cheek to it, in not being self honest about the dishonesty I was allowing and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my denial and ignoring of my own self honesty of what I was doing was not best for all, was not best for me, was not best for Cristina and only supported inequality, separation and abuse between myself and others and basically the whole current accepted social structures as separation, out of fear and desire and my own self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the sadness I experienced in walking through the decision I made to dump Cristina for my own self interest and illusion of my self definition of who I am within this world and in relation to others - to deny this sadness that I saw because I knew what I did was wrong, wrong in the sense that I was lying to myself and to Cristina, I was trying to be something that I was not, out of something I defined myself as that I also was not and so basically living in an illusion attempting to make real by hurting another being for what I believed was of value in this world - to be better than how I saw myself, never questioning the view of myself in the first place

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the sadness I experienced after dumping Cristina as a way to not be self honest and instead be dishonest as I had now perceived myself to have gained something I believed I did not have

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in the experience of myself as a way to not have to face myself, and what i accept and allow within me and as me and to within this think and believe that if I stuff it down within myself as putting it in a place I do not have to see it or experience it, then it is gone for good and somehow I am free, instead of realizing that I am only piling on the reality of myself within myself that will eventually have to be removed and if it is not done in a directive way, then it can cause more consequences within myself and in my relationships with others, as I am basically saying that i cannot trust myself with the experience of myself, I cannot trust myself to deal with myself, i cannot trust myself to sort myself out, instead I can trust myself to 'put it away' for later - so it's like a form of procrastination yet within the belief that i will never have to deal with it and thus revealing no real self care or concern as I just tried to stuff down what I was actually experiencing as a way to ignore myself and deny myself what I was actually doing and who I actually am in my decision to live out the fear and desire of self interest as becoming more than myself.

When and as I see myself attempting and trying to suppress a point within myself as a way to ignore self honesty, in trying to ignore what i am actually seeing within myself, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself within/as the experience as embracing myself in not allowing myself to 'put it away' or ignore it or deny it as I see, realize and understand that to allow this of myself is to say I cannot trust myself with my own experiences and so I commit myself to not allow myself to suppress the experience i Have that come up within me as outflows of what I accept and allow as me and instead embrace me, see me, get to know me in what I created as me as I also see, realize, understand that any experience of myself I attempt to suppress is an act of self dishonest, in attempting to not face my self honest because within that I must become responsible for me, for changing me and thus I commit myself to gift myself with the ability to become self responsible in facing self honestly who I am in each moment in no longer allowing myself to suppress myself as my self-created experiences and instead see what created it, where it came from, what thoughts fueled, what belief justified it - and so commit myself to getting to know myself and no longer allowing myself to ignore myself and instead face myself, here in every moment of every breath

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