20 April 2013

Day 150: Recommitting Myself to Breath - Day 7 of 21-Day Breathing Challenge

In the moments before coming here to write, I had a resistance to it. The resistance was in the form of a judgment of myself, for how I saw myself today not breathing effectively, as bringing myself back to my breath.

Yet this is a real negative perspective on my part, as only looking as certain moments where I 'fell' and gave into certain thoughts, back chats and reactions. Yet there were other moments, where I did stop and breathe and not allow myself to follow the mind movement I was experiencing. So why do I focus on the self judgment and not how I did support myself?

More specifically in relation to this judgment as a resistance to writing, it was within the context of holding myself accountable, as I felt I wasn't today and so did not want to share that in my blog, because I was ashamed. This was not a strong emotion of shame, yet it was there and enough to produce thoughts as ways to justify why I shouldn't write and contemplating how I could excuse myself from writing.

This is why I decided to write. Because I've heard this story before from myself and I know this is the process. I will face moments that are challenging, or difficult or downright uncomfortable, yet these are the moments where we have the ability to really support ourselves to grow and expand and no longer accept limitation. I didn't want to "expose" myself as not breathing effectively, as I am walking this 21 day challenge of breathing, so in spite of this, I hold myself accountable to myself, and not to/for others, as this is where I always end up abusing myself the most. Where I misplace my value into/unto others in how they will see/perceive me, yet that is not real, I have already established that is a reflection of myself, so really its a misplaced responsibility for/as myself and who I am here. And so cool to support myself in coming here to write, in not accepting the excuses or the image I might still attempt to project as "doing well", but to become self honest with myself in saying today was not so cool in regards to utilizing breath. Although I did for some moments; was able to let go of some thoughts and emotions that seemed they could really carry me away, and was able to let go of a desire of a quick outcome, allowing myself to walk space and time as each breath, let go of what I have no control over in the moment and direct myself here and what is here in/as my physical environment, so although I was able to support myself within/as breathing, there were others points that I did not use breathing to redirect myself in self direction, but instead allowed resistance, thoughts, desire, emotions and justification to direct me.

I guess I have this idea that after 7 days of this 21-days of breathing, I should be really focused now and almost 'perfected' in my breathing application, but today reminded me of the first day, where I was not aware of myself as breath and allowed a lot of mind participation to influence me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist coming here to write in not wanting to hold myself accountable and to simply give into the experience I was allowing in seeing myself negatively as the judgments I had towards moments where I fell into my mind and did not use breath to support myself in bringing myself back to reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to justify why I did not have to write as I was resisting coming here to take responsibility within/as myself as holding myself accountable for myself, as who I was in my day, instead of realizing the gift that is here as daily writing/blogging - as I am able to reflect each day on who I am, what I am living, what I am accepting and allowing and can easily flag such moments of patterns that I see are self destructive and do not serve the principle of what is best for all and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist that which will support me in facing myself as taking responsibility and holding myself accountable for who I am, as I realize that to turn my cheek to it in accepting the resistance, I am allowing it's existence and my own enslavement to my own creation as who I am within and as the mind and this I will no longer accept and allow

And so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have expected perfection from myself as only 7 days into my 21 days of breathing as thinking and believing that I must be well on my way to perfecting my breathing application, instead of realizing that really what this process is showing me is just how much I have given all of myself to myself in/as separation in/as my mind, where I have absolutely no control over who I am as the energy I have created/accepted/allowed that i generate through the act of thinking in it's various forms, has got complete power and control to move me, decide for me and influence me to live out in ways that do not support me or what is best for all but that only serve the self interest as me and so I forgive myself that i have never allowed myself to realize the extent to which I have created a dominant force separate and outside of me here that can in a moment flip a switch and I can become possessed and obsessed by what is going on in my mind; completely distracted and disregarding this physical reality and myself as my physical body; absolutely no self awareness as the totality of myself as I have allowed my mind to be my god.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself as within this I will have to hold myself accountable for myself and change who I am as I see/realize/understand that to see who I am and how it does not serve me or what is best for all yet do nothing about it as in finding practical  livable ways to change physically, is to basically say fuck you to myself as my physical body and all life here in/as this physical reality, and I know I cannot live with myself to do such a thing, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear holding myself accountable as taking responsibility for myself as who I am in thinking and believing that what is here as me is too bad, to ugly, to painful and to hard to change, instead of realizing that within seeing the problem, I am able to find solutions and so I commit myself to live solutions to what I see as the problem, which is the abdication of myself as directive principle in separation of myself here as my physical body as my physical breath into/unto/as my mind in the form of thoughts, memories, energy as feelings, emotions, reactions, future projections all based on self definitions in self interest as my interpretation of who I am within and as all that is here as this physical existence

So the solution here is to re-commit and decide again that I will become directive principle of myself, I will take back life into my own hands in standing equal to and one with my physical body, as each and every breath and so within this I realize the extent to which I give into my mind and so with this 'in mind' I will push myself to breathe and to stop looking at those moments where I only fall, but to honor myself in those moments where I stand in realizing that one by one, those little moments of standing create a new habit, a new form, a new expression as redirecting and refocusing myself on what really matters in this world, as this one life that I have and that is what is within and as physical matter here as this physical reality and so I commit myself to continue on this 21-day breathing challenging in letting go of expectations but to simply walk with/as breath; directing myself in each moment to do what is necessary to be done and to always stand when I have the ability in asserting to myself as who I am as walking out of the mind and into life. 

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