30 October 2012

Day 86-Thinking like a Man

This point is in relation to starting to see the extent of the iceberg that exists under the surface and the real me underneath, where I exist within desire for males as relationship and sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within separation of males as defining them within my mind as either ‘my type or not’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see males as only a means to have a relationship and sex

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the equality that exists as me with males – as we are equally here, human beings, breathing the same air, requiring food, water and shelter and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a special relationship within my mind based on energy wherein I define males as only a relationship partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I see a male, judge them based within my self created acceptance of ‘what male I would like to be with’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see males as only for my picking and choosing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within this point I see within myself, wherein I see males purely for sex and relationship and whether they would be adequate for me, as per my liking as how I define the ‘perfect mate’ within my mind, as being a ‘male trait’, in that I believe I shouldn't have have these thoughts and experiences towards males ans it's only a 'male thing' and so judge myself as being a female who sees males as how I have defined males to be only always just seeking a partner and so as I have judged males, I judge myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge males as being only desiring sex and relationship and thus when I see this point within myself, judge myself for it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the extent to which I have become addicted to the desire for males within a relationship and physical intimacy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand equal and one with/as males within humanity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an energetic experience of anxiety within myself due to the self creation of definitions of ‘what males are’ in relation to me and thus when in the presence of a male that I deem ‘acceptable’ as per my ‘liking’ – I go into energy within myself of anticipation and excitement and anxiety – all positive and negative energy experiences one can consider in one moment simply by standing and speaking with a male

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see males as human beings – and that’s all
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not question the pursuit of partners and relationships in this world to the extent that I have accepted the construct within myself, wherein I see males simply as a ‘yes or no’ as being worthy of being with in a relationship or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing this point in fear of judgment from others, instead of realizing I am still only judging myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts within my mind about males in my reality wherein I imagine being in a relationship with them or being physically intimate with them and within this generate feelings of excitement and anticipation in desiring this to be a reality and then not living this for real, as due to the internal reality I create where I have created a relationship to males in my mind, that does not exist for real, fear being exposed for what I participate within my mind to the point wherein I cannot freely communicate with males as my equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change who I am in the presence of males, in hopes to ‘catch a mate’ as if I am fishing – where I throw out my line as a glance or a smile in hopes they will like what they see and then come to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to change who I am in the presence of males, wherein I believe I have to be bubbly and smiley and agree with them and ‘play the part’ of the female that is attractive and desirable for a male, in hopes they will like me, realizing within this I am not accepting myself at all, as I believe I must change myself, and so judging myself for who I am as not worthy enough to be the real me, simply here as breath, expressing in each moment without a character I have created to get what I want

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to honor myself in each moment while in the presence of males, to be simply here as breath, instead of going into various characters within my mind wherein I will play a part I believe I must in order to get what I want, existing in my self interest desire to have a relationship or to have attention or to have another be in awe of me as if I am something so special

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am special in this world while millions go without food and shelter and basic human rights – just exposing the extent to the sickness within humanity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define males in separation of myself, within my mind as something so great and so attractive and something I must have in order to feel complete, instead of realizing that I am here, and thus am complete with or without a partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a male being attracted to me to be a fulfilled purpose, because then I will have a relationship and sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this life within the pursuit of relationship and sex, instead of realizing that there is SO MUCH MORE to be done in this world besides relationship and sex, and while it is nice and can be enjoyed and supportive – it is not supportive for me to separate myself from other beings through defining them as something more than me or more then life and the ultimate achievement in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself in moments of allowing thoughts as fantasy of males I would like to have relationships with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse males as an object of my attention, wherein I desire their affection it’s like it’s a mission for me to only focus on this and attain this goal of the excitement as energy I get when I have interactions with males

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be consumed by a desire for a relationship with a male that I have not giving to myself that which I believe I will find in another

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to create the relationship within myself of/as honesty, trust, commitment, intimacy… wherein I do not need to seek it outside and separate from me, but can living it as me here, and thus be able to then share myself unconditionally with another and not within the starting point of “I must get this because I don’t have it and without it life is worthless”

When and as I see myself changing who I am in the presence of males, within desiring their attention and focus, believing I must be a certain way in order for them to like me and be attracted to me so that I can ultimately attain the ultimate self interest reward of sex and relationship – I stop and I breathe, and I bring myself back to the realization of the true abuse and dishonesty this actually is, wherein I am judging myself, separating myself and not living equality with ALL here, and so I stop the thoughts, I breathe through the energy experiences, I do not allow myself to go into any thoughts or fantasies of being with males and simply live and be here, as breath, walking my process of self transformation – turning inward to create the relationship I desire that I believe exists outside of me, instead of realizing it is here as me and thus I commit myself to walking the process of building true intimacy, with myself and true honesty, with myself and true commitment and true expression and true sharing and communication – all within myself first, as I have seen/realized/understood that that which I desire outside of myself, I am not yet living as myself and so I see this point in relation to males as the support for myself to look within myself, to be that which I expect males to be for me. I give myself attention. I love myself. I communicate with myself, I get to know myself, I be with myself, I trust myself, I commit to myself and to this process for myself as life – all as one as equal.

I commit myself to stop seeing males as an object I can lust after and stand equal and one with/as them – as they are in fact my equal, as all life is equal as one

I commit myself to stop the pursuit of relationship and sex and bring myself back to the each moment of breath, to remain present withn myself, as myself, as my reality to do what is necessary to be done in each moment that is in fact best for all

I commit myself to stop participating in thoughts of sex and relationship

I commit myself to stop changing myself in the presence of males – I allow and commit myself to realize they are my equal

I commit myself to stop participating in characters that I play in order to get what I want from males

I commit myself to stop the game, to get real and to investigate myself and who I am and how I have lived as I have seen/realized and understood that my inner reflects the outer of this world and thus realize my responsibility – I am here and thus responsible for the world in which I exist and so within this I commit myself to stop living in the fantasy reality of the mind as desire and self interest within the pursuit of my highest feeling of positivity and excitement and bliss and get back to reality – to real living as real express as who I really am as Life – as each breath, until it is done