Kristina's Journey to Life

Today I traveled from Vancouver, BC to Minneapolis - my home town. I have been doing a lot of flying the past few years, since my partner was living in Canada while I was still living in the US, we would make trips back and forth at least twice a year. Since I've moved to where he lives, I've traveled home twice in the past year and a half to visit with family. That is a lot of travel. A lot of planes. And the more time I travel on the planes, the more I see this fear slowly creeping in of planes/traveling on planes. The habit I've created the past three years has been to go to sleep as soon as I get on the plane - like immediately. No messing around, no wasting time, go to sleep as soon as I'm situated in the seat. And then 'hopefully' sleep through the entire plane ride. Often I would tell myself it's because it makes the trip go faster, or I've stayed up late the night before due to excitement for the travels, so I am sleepy on the plane. A f...

Some interesting points come up today while I was doing self-forgiveness on my relationship to my stomach. As mentioned in the previous blog , it is one that has not been the nicest - resenting my stomach in a way,  blaming it for not adhering to the specific image I wanted, getting upset when it wasn't what I thought it 'should' be. So a relationship that has been tumultuous. TUMultuous... This opening up from some upset stomachs I've been having the past couple months - and to me, revealing a relationship with the stomach that required my attention. So with the self-forgiveness, two major points stood out to me. The first is how my relationship with my stomach was so nasty in fact, that I could see how I could, over time, in continuing to place expectations unto it, and the negative emotions I was experiencing toward it, would in fact create some serious problems. Imagine constantly being angry, resentful, hateful even towards a particular part of your body ... ...

Today I had a bit of an upset stomach after lunch. It came on quite quick after eating, and rendered me immobile for a couple of hours. This is the third time I've experienced this kind of pain in the past two months, this time being the most severe. The reason I am bringing this up in a blog is because while there is the physical symptom of something going on - my body processing something, and causing pain, there is other dimensions existing as well, which is the mental one. Often when I get sick, or don't feel absolutely stable within my physical body - even if it's the slightest bit of being uncomfortable, I usually react quickly. I will get frustrated, and feel like a victim, and feel like I cannot possible move to my utmost, and must simply give in to the experience, and in a way 'fall' within myself, like a giving up . Now obviously if there is physical pain, then yes, I'm not going to be able to perform to my optimum as the body is going through ...

Let's continue from yesterday's blog , shall we. Forgiveness on wanting to fit in. (I dare you to read the following forgiveness out loud!) I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not fitting in with others I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being liked or accepted by others I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fitting in with others as being liked and accepted by others I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others rejecting me and thus not fitting in with them I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as separate from others, and thus think and believe I must act, or be a certain way in order to fit in with them I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be like others so that I fit in with them I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'fitting in with others' ...

Today I was looking at the point of fitting in. I was working on a DIP Pro assignment - specifically some memories from the first time I drank alcohol. I was with some friends, in high school, and I defined one of them as so cool, and I really wanted to fit in with her. Based on this desire , I then acted in ways to ensure or to attempt to ensure that I 'fit in'. So that is what the memory was revealing - this nature of wanting to fit in with others, and within that, a fear of not actually fitting in, of being inferior, and less than others. What was interesting that this specific memory I was working with was showing how I have, for a very long time, participated and lived out this self-definition as this fear and desire because earlier today I faced that very same point again. My partner and I went to a 'power luncheon' put on by the local commerce group, and it was held at the Fairmont Hotel. It was quite a fancy lunch - very nice, with a spectacular speaker r...

Who am I within words? Have you ever asked this of yourself? Do we ever consider the words we speak or write, the actual power they have? I've seen myself in words, wherein I use words to get a certain response, or to manipulate another person to feel a certain way, or to lash out as blame, or to make myself look good , or to get some attention, or to keep a secret , or to make something better than it is, or to make it worse than it is... words in how we speak and write them, have an effect. Not just on ourselves, but others as well. I have often seen myself use words as weapons - lashing out spite in a rage, or manipulation to make another feel responsible for my feelings. Words are weapons when we are not aware of the actual power they  have. I have seen in writing my blogs, when I've attempted to make myself look good, or to get some attention. Often hiding something else that is within me - hiding the deeper, darker stuff I couldn't face. I have heard others ...

Currently I am studying Spanish, a little bit each day. I started learning Spanish in middle school, and then also in high school - four years in total. I had a very small foundation of the language, but I enjoyed using it here and there throughout the years. The last few months, I wanted to study another language again. I initially considered french, due to me living in Canada now, though after a few days of that, I realized why not work with the foundation I already have, so Spanish it was. The consideration to study a new language was in part from my co-workers who were learning English. Living in Whistler, there are many people from all over the world that come to work, and live here. I work in Japanese Steakhouse, and so majority of the staff is from Japan. There are many different levels of their English ability, but what I find within all of them is the willingness to put themselves into a new country, with a new language and just learn. One of my co-workers in particula...

A couple blogs ago I opened up this point of defining myself according to what I do, or don't do. I also addressed this within self-forgiveness for the positive aspect - wherein I define myself as good/ right /positive when I do more. Which clearly means nothing - you can do a whole lot of stuff, but if who you are inside is not aligned to what is best for all/yourself... then it really doesn't matter. So for tonight, I will take a look at the negative aspect of this point... when I do less, I feel less about myself. Okay, here we go: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I don't do in a day - defining myself as less than the less that I do I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what I do or don't do in the day, and if I don't push to my utmost potential , and do more, feel inferior and shitty about myself - suggesting that what I do determines who I am , rather t...

Putting a pause just for a moment on yesterday's blog, to address another point that came up today. Will continue from the previous writings tomorrow... Today, and for some time, I've noticed this point within me of, what I would call laziness because I had not yet done too much investigation on it. But digger deeper, I would say it has more to do than just laziness - while that's a dimensions of it, there is also some definitions that cause a problem I see. When I have to do anything such as work, or what I define as work/ responsibility , I want to take short cuts. Like for example, I've been doings some cleaning at my place of work while we are currently closed for the slow season. I wanted to leave at a certain time because apparently only a couple of hours of cleaning is what I can handle. There were only a few chairs left to clean, but I still wanted to just leave rather than take the extra time to finish the job up. I did end up staying, because I could see a...