Kristina's Journey to Life

One thing I've noticed about myself lately is this lack of awareness while at work. A couple nights ago this was exemplified by the fact that while standing with some people, I took slight movement backwards, and I tripped and fell right on my butt. It was quite the scene too - like overly dramatic was the fall. lol - it was funny, and I did my best not to take it personally, or feel embarrassed , because it was just an accident, it happened.. nothing to do about it now, except notice and question why did I fall? Why was I not aware of what was behind me, why was I not aware of my environment in that moment, and so how to move myself in a way where I wouldn't fall? This experience shed a light on something I've been slowly realizing more and more, which is that I often lack the self-awareness, and the slowing down within myself, to really take notice, and pay attention to who I am at work - as my thoughts, my words, and my deeds. I've noticed that I require to be an...

Today I noticed another aspect/dimension of an experience I have in relation to a family member. (see previous blog for more context). It was an experience in relation to the words proper, and improper. Obviously one having a positive energy definition to it, the other having the negative definition to it. And within the experience of feeling 'improper' or defining myself as 'improper', I experience inferiority, nervousness and fear . I felt as if I did not live up to a certain expectation from me as per our social acceptances and allowances, and thus defined myself as being improper. And in this experience of being improper, went into fear, and attempted to 'make right' or 'make light' of my experiences as how I communicated with another. It's like physically I experienced myself as tense, and nervous, and anxious even, yet within that - still attempted to present a 'proper' image of myself as how I thought another expected me to b...

Have you ever told yourself you'll do it tomorrow? That tomorrow is the opportunity to make that change ? Thinking somehow tomorrow things will be different, be better for the moment to change. I saw this point within me today, as I was not completely satisfied with myself today, the thought of, "tomorrow I will do it better/right" as all the things I did not allow myself to do today. Thinking tomorrow is the clean slate, the opportunity to start over. And then I realized. I am still here. Today is still here. Tomorrow will never come, and why not do today what I think I will do tomorrow. If I'm not willing to do it today, what makes me think tomorrow will be any different? And so as a point of proving to myself that I will not waste my day in waiting for tomorrow, I decided to act today. To change today. To move myself today to do that which I wanted to put off for tomorrow. Tomorrow will never arrive, and you will be waiting your whole life . What are you put...

Today I noticed an experience within me in relation to another. I had in a way forced this person to stand in the shoes of someone they often complain about. In this particular moment, they were now in the same position, and so I suggested they act how they would like the one they complain about so much to act, now that they are in that position. So it was in a way getting someone to see who they are in the same position/responsibility, and to see if they would choose differently then what they've seen in another. If they would do it differently then how they've seen someone else do it, and clearly not be satisfied with. I could tell they were not happy about it. I in a way felt guilty, like I pushed this person to do 'what is right', without them actually making the decision . When I look back at the moment now, I can see I was basically showing this person how they were now in the position to change , to correct the behavior they have seen, and disliked about anoth...

Today I was talking to a friend, and he was mentioning some kind of accident in his area, where a family of four died on a theme park ride. It was something like a freak accident, though the point he brought up was we seem to make such a big fuss about those kind of things - when someone dies in such an accident, yet people die every day, thousands of people every day from preventable things. I could see how we may be more shocked or appalled at such deaths because they happen in a place where we basically pay to be entertained, and to fuel positive energy . It's suppose to be 'happy places' - so when something like death happens, it like shocks and appalls everyone. Though what is more appalling is that we allow people to die every day just because they don't have the money to buy food, or clean water, or provide themselves with proper resources. The thing that is most appalling is that everyday people are neglected from having access to the basic needs, and th...

Continuing from yesterdays blog - the following is the self-forgiveness to support in stabilizing myself in relation to who I am on the days I work - working towards creating consistency within myself when I'm working, or when I have the day off. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I can't do as much during my days when I work, whereas when I don't work I am much more willing to be active and productive throughout my day I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change who I am now that I'm back at work, doing less during the days I work within a fear of over exerting myself, and getting tired at work I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I can't do as much as I can do on a day off when I'm working because the amount of energy needed for work, and so in an attempt to preserve energy, do less during my days I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my...

Recently I went back to work after having a month off. An interesting change took place within me pretty much the day I went back, and that was how I become much less active on the days I work. I have been slowly accumulating this experience of like a low, less motivated me, wherein it had become more of a struggle to do things during me day, and in looking at when this specifically started I noticed it was exactly the day I went back to work. So I was looking at this point within writing today, and I noticed this point within me of how I, in an attempt to not create an uncomfortable experience as work - such as being tired, or physical sluggish, I resist doing anything really during my day. (I work evenings, so my days are usual open.) So I attempt to preserve as much energy as I can the days I'm working, in hopes of making it through the evening shift as stable as possible. Though what I create is, when I absolutely have to go out in the day, like for instance yesterday I...

Recently I was talking to someone I just met, who just got to town, and started working where I work. As we were getting to know each other, and talking about what we do outside of work, I mentioned I don't go out to the bars or clubs in town. She seemed quite startled, and asked, "What do you do then?" This kind of gave me a chuckle inside because that is often something I reflect on - how my lifestyle might seem quite boring to a lot of people, especially because of the simple fact that I don't go out drinking or partying. That is such a huge part of people's lives, especially in their twenties, and even thirties.. the idea of not participating in such activities can seem like what else is left? I definitely had this experience when I was in my early twenties, and going out a couple times during the week... if I wasn't going out, I would often wonder what others were doing, and what I was missing out on. Almost like my life stopped on those nights where...

Today I noticed something interesting about the Mind. I mean I have understood this before, but it's a whole other story when you see it real time , and get that first hand experience of what it's actually capable of. The understanding becomes much more real and grounded. I had to make an appointment and I noticed that I had a slight resistance to it. I had all these ideas coming up within my mind about how I may not get in for the appointment for a few months, like they would be all booked up. I thought it might be very expensive, because I at the moment do not have health insurance in Canada. I thought it would be much more complicated that it actually turned out to be. The key word here being THOUGHT. I THOUGHT it was going to be this big, complicated situation that I was in a way dreading. Dreading because I had THOUGHTS projecting into the future of how it was going to go, or turn out. I THOUGHT it would be so pricey, I THOUGHT I wouldn't get in when I needed...

Today while talking to a friend, I asked her about some mutual friends of ours... I was curious about some developments in their relationship . The friend I was speaking with suggest I ask them myself. I stood back within myself in this moment realizing I was being deceptive in a way, because why had I not just asked the source directly? Why did I go around them, and ask our mutual friend? Why was I not willing to go to the source of what my curiosity was about? I could see I felt it was inappropriate, as I considered if they wanted to share some information about their life , they would. But because they hadn't, they were not yet ready. Yet I still justified my want to know, and so asked another friend of ours. A big red flag here... if I couldn't go direct to the source, I shouldn't be seeking the information in the first place. So was a lesson for me today - gossip is still gossip, even if it's not nasty, or negative in nature. If you are unwilling to ask or sp...