368: Justification for Keeping my Distance
I was working as a server at the time, at a place I had been for quite a while; more than a few years at least. It was during the summer and I was on the patio setting up tables and getting it all ready for the lunch shift.
At that time, I had been looking at apartments on the West Coast; just getting a general idea of what the cost of living was out there and seeing if and how I could afford to do that. So moving was very much on my mind those days. I'm not sure what specifically triggered the thought pattern I started to participate that morning while opening up the patio for the restaurant that I worked for, but I started to go into justifications as to why I didn't want to or that I saw it wasn't necessary for me to build any lasting or significant relationships with people, specifically those that were in my immediate environment.
Perhaps this was coming from a long-time friendship that had just hit the rocks prior to this time, or even me having reactions about the current relationships I had, mostly with those that I worked with at the time. I had always had this experience of being on the outside, not ever really fitting in, and making my niche with others. I have had very few relationships in my life where there was this complete bond, or absolute comfortable interaction where I felt I could be completely open with another and they could be with me, and in that we got along great. The two major relationships of those types I had in my life - both ended in conflict and did not last, as we ended up no longer speaking.
So like I said, this specific memory I am looking at - I must have been assessing my current friendship/relationships at the time, or assessing the reaction or overall experience I had in relation to those specific relationships because I recall coming to the conclusion that I would be moving away anyway, and it would not be necessary for me to try and create any deeper, more substantial relationships with anyone at that time.
Obviously, I can see for myself, that this was the justification for some kind of resistance or idea or fear I had in relation to actually getting to know, and thus letting my own guard down, in relation to others.
Now while I am speaking more from the contexts of friendship/relationships here, I can how this can and does also relate to business relationships, or family relationships, or even intimate/partnership relationships. The point being, we are interacting with others and within that, forming some kind of connection with another.
I've heard that relationships were like plants - you had to water them, and put them in sunlight; care for them, and tend to them, in order for them to grow. So for relationships, we had to tend to them, reach out to them, make contact with them in order for them to grow, or for them to even sustain as they are. This I was never good at, at least as I've gotten older, I can see this is not something I am most willing or eager to do. And obviously there is a reason behind that, some purpose in which I resist doing such a thing, and would rather 'keep to myself'. I would never define myself as anti-social, quite the contrary actually, I would define myself throughout my life as quite sociable and always with friends. Here then I must look at the experience in relation to people/relationships as the source from which I see a resistance to actually interacting/connecting/bonding, and overall simply forming a relationship with people - no matter the specific type.
The main point within this memory and specific experience is that I have had throughout my life a resistance to relationships; to forming/creating/sustaining any kind of relationship that goes beyond the surface of the 'hi, how ya doing' type of interaction. And for awhile there, I was using the prospect of moving out of town as the justification for accepting and allowing this resistance to creating relationships with others. Now, I am in a position where I will have to do the very thing that I resist, in order to move myself into a career/business that I would like to create for myself, so will have to face this resistance to others.
In the next few blogs I will address this memory with self forgiveness, as well as more back chats/excuses/beliefs I have about myself and others that sustains this resistance to forming relationships with others.
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