Kristina's Journey to Life

I am continuing here in the process I've been walking in relation to the word 'insecure' and how I've seen myself live this out throughout my life. The last two blogs specifically I was looking at the points of how this acceptance of myself as 'insecure' manifested consequences in my life in terms of attempting to find it in things separate from me here, such as how I physically look or how I dress - so this point of the picture presentation was where I placed so much of my ideas of security, believing that if I dressed the 'right way' or looked the 'right way', then I would find security within this world, which really what I was looking for was this point of security outside of myself as to be able to bring it back to myself - it's like we separate ourselves from such words as security or confidence or assurance and think we will find them in these outside/external sources such as our image yet within this, not realizing that we are do...

Continuing here from the previous post, Day 306: Removing the Illusion of the Beauty System : When and as I see myself looking for a 'look' of me in terms of my face, hair or clothes to find a sense of security - I stop and I breathe - I bring myself out of the illusion of value in how I look and instead bring me back within the real value as self as the physical within/as breathing. I see/realize/understand that I have for too long defined myself according to how I look and in this, completely separated myself from who I really am and what life is actually about and what is in fact HERE, as this physical reality, as what Matters and in doing so - gave up the ability to develop me as a being that is of self love, self appreciation, self worth and self value as self security and so I commit myself to stop giving away the value I have as a being into/as an image of me as a presentation that does not stand within the context of what is real and what truly matters in our worl...

Okay - so what I'm going to do here is apply the self forgiveness on the points mentioned in the previous blog - wherein I placed my sense of security and safety within the image of myself and from there will move into the points of security and safety I've expected to find in relationships. Enjoy the journey. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear make up from the starting point of insecurity I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my sense of security in/as the look of myself - such as the make up I wear or how I do my hair or the clothes that I have I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word security through defining it in outside/external points such as what my face looks like or what my hair looks like or the style of clothes that I wear I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I will find security in how I look - trying to have a look tha...

While I was searching for an image for my blog yesterday, the one opening up about how I have lived 'insecurity' in my life - I was reminded how much more outflows of insecurity exist then I was actually seeing in writing it out. My experience specifically was in relation to a relationship - wherein I was feeling insecure and as if I was doing something wrong or I was not adequate and this mostly coming from that point already established within myself and so from here, looking for it in a relationship. When that does not provide what one is looking for in such a stance, then the reactions come and the experience of feeling inadequate is seen more clearly. Yet I did not realize the other ways in which accepting myself as 'insecure' played out in my life. I mean - the amount of make up I would wear and the time I would take to 'get ready' before leaving my house, the energy I put into what I would wear - I mean all of these things came from within a sta...

Insecure. That is the word I would use to describe the experience I've had in the last few days. Here I am going to deconstruct my relationship to this word and how I've lived it throughout my life , as I see it's a word, I've defined and thus LIVE as a living word. First, I'll start with the definition of the word - insecure: :  not confident or sure :  uncertain :  not adequately guarded or sustained :  unsafe  :  not firmly fastened or fixed :  shaky  a :  not highly stable or well-adjusted  b :  deficient in assurance :  beset by fear and anxiety Well hello, story of my life. Although I have seen changes within me and my overall experience within myself and within my life the last few years, with the support of the Desteni Process - I can see how throughout my life and here now, coming through quite predominantly, this experience of being 'insecure'. In se...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as either ‘good or bad’ as ‘positive or negative’ within my days according to what I do or don’t do I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define doing things during the day within a positive polarity charge and to within this, define myself as good and get a positive feeling within this and yet define not doing things during my day within a negative polarity charge and thus when I live out this definition, experience negative emotions about myself and define myself according to this and so exist within a polarity relationship towards myself and my actions during a day I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am being good and a good person when I am productive in my day and thus feel good about myself and define myself as bad and being a bad person when I am not productive in my day and thus allow myself to be a slave to these definitions and exist wit...

Here I am challenging the ideas I've come to accept in relation to 'how' I self investigate within my process as self writing and looking at points/ relationships I have created towards all things in my life/living and expose to myself another form of resistance I've created towards writing and how that is in fact self-sabotaging. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within my process of self investigation as writing in thinking and believing that “I don’t know how to sort out this point” in relation to experiences/ reactions to people and situations in my life instead of seeing /realize/understanding that this is where I then stop and do not go into writing about it but simply accept the idea that I don’t know or can’t figure it out or that it is not clear when clearly this is simply me fucking with me as my mind to ensure I do not find out what is going on and thus apply solutions as self forgiveness and self correction a...

Tonight's blog is a point I wanted to clear up in relation to the Desteni I Process Google Hangout I participated in last Thursday, where me and some other destonians discussed 'Stopping a Weed Addiction' and the various points within that. Obviously one could go on about this addiction and it's behaviors and consequences for much longer than a half an hour, yet what was mentioned in the hangout is a cool support point for anyone looking for solutions in stopping their addiction to weed or to anything for that matter because the reality is that weed is not necessarily addictive , it's the nature of the relationship one created to/towards a particular point that one 'uses'. So in this case of the Google Hangout, and in my case, I did create an addictive relationship/ dependency towards weed. So check it out if you find yourself in a similar situation and ready to take back your life and give new direction to where you are heading. The point specificall...