Kristina's Journey to Life

Here, self forgiveness in relation to the points I have been facing in the last few days and how I've come to see and realize it is an accumulation of a faulty starting point from which I made a decision of 'how to proceed' - where I moved myself into a position within self dishonesty. So this blog is in relation to the accumulated reactions I have experienced and in blogs to follow I will go back through the days in applying self forgiveness for the origin/starting point that created what I am now experience/facing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to writing my JTL blog within/as a reaction of myself within the last week in relation to my blogs, and more specifically the points I have opened up in relation to ‘no napping’ as I have come to see/realize/understand the starting point from which I moved into that point and see it was within self interest, to prove something to myself and others and thus not within the principl...

Today everyone is revisiting Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr's speech, "I have a Dream." Addressed 50 years ago today, August 28th, 1963. This speech tends to rekindle some feeling reaction of hope and change in the minds of men, yet the words still exist without life. Because it's still a dream, the equality of All men. 50 years later and we are still asleep, dreaming instead of living these words. Just shy of two years later Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr gave another speech, although this speech was a sermon; presented on July 4th, 1965. I read, "The American Dream" by Dr. King, Jr for an American Studies class today and considered his words carefully as so many are looking at the "I have a Dream" speech. So here I will share with you his words from "The American Dream." (Encyclopedia of Race and Racism) "I stood with many of you who stood there in person and all of you who were there in spirit before the Lincoln Monument in Washin...

A Fall is not a Failure - this is a process of Self Perfection - Perfecting ourselves as we Go. We walk, we fall, we stand, we make mistakes, we learn - we do it until we get it right. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall within my commitment in not taking a nap for 21 days I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure because I fell on taking a nap today I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my habit to napping as something easy I should be able to stop and to within this define myself as useless in not being able to do just an easy thing as stopping naps for 21 days I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect this of myself, in building myself up as being so ‘good’ in stopping a habit yet not being able to actually walk the physical commitment of stopping – creating myself within a high of superiority and then having to prove myself that I am not by fall...

Here are more points I am facing as walking a 21-Day process of No Naps. This is day 3.  Today was overall cool in terms of not ‘feeling’ like I required to nap. I did go into a bit of “I'm tired” mode while I was in class, with the yawning and slouching a bit in my chair, yet I kept breathing and sitting up and moving myself physically as being present, here, paying attention to what was being said, hearing the words of the professor. I was grateful to be in class as this point came up of ‘feeling tired’ because obviously I was not in the environment to sleep, and as expected, the experience passed. Currently in my city it is like 100 degrees outside. HOT. And I live on the 3rd floor with no air conditioning. The main parts of the house do have air conditioning, yet my room is ‘bearable’ in that I have lived in this type of heat for the last 2 summers and have become use to it. But I see that this tiredness character comes in when I am reading or doing work while sitting ...

Today is day two of no naps. Yesterday was an easy day to walk through in terms of making sure I did not allow myself to go into napping as I was up late the night before, and slept later into the day and had just more than a few hours before work. So I was up, did what I had to do in terms of responsibilities and then went to work. I did see however on my way to work the point came up of ‘wanting to sleep’ – where I had the thought, “ I am tired” and the physical consequence of my eyes becoming heavy and in this justifying that yes, man I really want to nap. Obviously I could not as I was on my way to work, but I gave into that experience through the back chats of “fuck this, I don’t want to work, I’d rather take a nap” and “how am I going to be able to get through this work shift” and “this is going to be a struggle” and so basically creating my whole experience for the night/work shift as being difficult and a struggle in ‘pushing myself’ through in ‘having to be at work’ when ...

In my previous blog I was discussing the point of lists and how through writing down all the points I was seeing within me that I wanted to do, wanted to direct, wanted to give attention to, but had not yet done - I found stability and a release from the experience I was having as not being very clear and having all these things mulling around inside of me. And in turn created such an experience throughout my days. So in the list I made, 4 things were laid out for me to face and ultimately give myself direction with. Since writing the list I see another point that is more of a priority than what I had actually written down because it's a point that supports in providing the time required to do the others things from my list. And it's a point that has been cycling throughout my life where I give into the action in an act of self dishonesty - as hiding from myself/not facing myself, in avoiding things, in giving up - not actually moving myself. The point here is napping. ...

Today’s experience was pretty similar to yesterdays although I see there was a shift after writing out the points last night and the self forgiveness I went into. However, my experience was still the same in that it is not how I ‘usually’ experience myself, which is here, enjoying myself, having fun – I mean I would say that is my overall experience within process, stable and able to support myself and enjoying the process. Yet yesterday and today there was like this experience of something not sitting right, and I could not place it and I was feeling overwhelmed and discouraged in relation to where I am within my process. Going into a chat with another, it was like a slight resistance but also anxiety because I did not want to communicate, yet it’s also like I was sitting on a point, without knowing it, and so in general my experience is not how it usually is when going into chat. You could call it 'a mood.' Which is how I experienced myself - impending doom. I was not...

At the moment I am experiencing a more exaggerated experience I've had throughout the day – and perhaps another placed the word in communication – apathy. I saw this experience when seeing on television the Syrian death’s – assuming it was a chemical attack – and many children were suffering because of it. I saw images of people having seizures and laying helpless and looks of pain on their face and the overall environment seemed chaotic. I found myself having the ‘expected’ reaction where I was seeing these images, I realize they are real people, I am expected to react in horror and sadness and yet I felt nothing. It was like I put on the “I feel this – I can’t believe this is happening” face, yet the experience there was nothing. It was like I could not feel for them. And yet the day before I watched a 6 minute documentary about animals being abused for our consumption and I cringed at the images, I didn't want to see but I told myself I must watch this and see what is ha...