Kristina's Journey to Life

Relationships, as they currently exists - fueled by the Mind - are a trap that keep people stuck in a bubble of bliss without any awareness of reality. I know it's easy to 'fall' into this experience of joy where we think the whole world is now complete as 'we' have found something 'worth living for' - yet within this we do not have a clue - not an ounce - of what we are actually doing. While we are stuck in the love illusion - this world continues on without any consideration from humanity - no one sees the starving child, no one sees the raped women, no one cares about the homeless man, no one gives a shit about the brutality of this world - because we are all too busy being selfish in our desires for "love". Love does not exist - we prove it everyday by our inability to change a system that cause so much suffering. Relationships - especially the 'new ones' - are quite specific in keeping one busy in their minds about ' what if

So while in communication with another recently, I saw an 'easiness' to it where it just flowed, and I was here and could be open and expressive and in that enjoyed myself with/as another. Then we communicated again, and I saw something shift, something change. I know it wasn't the 'other' - it was me - it's always me I see. Because according to how I placed/defined the first communication - placing it on a pedestal within a positive polarity charge - when the communication happened again, I had something to compare it to - created then an expectation and thus did not 'live up' to the initial judgment of it. I went into a negative experience within/as myself and I saw what was creating. Me - me within thoughts and fears and uncertainty and assumptions ; interpreting another's words according to my own mental filters and so within this stops me from being here, in/as my communication, unconditional, and instead go into my thinking and wondering

So here a point I have been 'walking to' in regards to seeing this belief in the background coming to the foreground of thinking that within this 21-Day breathing challenge - I MUST only write about breathing, lol. I realize that the point of this journey was to walk 21 days of really bringing myself back to breath and seeing when I am not, yet at the same time, it's like I don't want to address any points I have seen, but instead just focus on breathing. For instance, I guess I did write a bit about seeing some addictions to the energy of the mind since I have started this 21-days, but every time I come to sit down, I want to write about breathing and things I saw in relation to breathing, instead of allowing myself to simply write unconditionally what is here and what has been here as me throughout the day. So it's like placing myself on a path but there are walls keeping me from going off track, like believing that I can only go 'this way' or &

I have started and erased this blog 3 times now. What I see is that I want to write a blog related to 'breathing' because of the '21 day breathing challenge' I am walking, so it's like I want to express some kind of profound realization or insight I uncovered today with/as breathing. When the truth is, today was not an effective day of breathing. It was an effective day of doing things that required to be done, but in terms of slowing myself with/as breath, I see I could have been more effective. And so instead of addressing at or looking at those moments that I did not stop and breathe, bringing myself back here, instead I want to 'pretend' all is well in my process and do not actually looking at the truth of myself. So interesting point because of what I addressed in yesterday's blog, where I see this point of attempting to cover up or ignore what is actually going on, 'behind the scenes' but instead of dealing with it/sorting it out, its ins

Continuing on the 21 day breathing challenge and the process in general in the last few days, where I have really tested in terms of who I am in each moment of each day and how/when I use breathing, I have really seen some shit behind the picture. Overall I have expressed myself to be a 'positive' person, where besides the fact that I believed thinking/acting only positive would create this in my world and reality - in general my general expression outwards has been positive, where people say, "you always see the bright side." And yes, I do see how I do that, go to see the positive of something. But what I have come to see in the last few days, with going to the aboslute extreme of positivity within my mind, is the negative that is fueling this whole point. The addiction I go into attempting to seek/gain/posses the positive feelings that I thrive off of are coming straight out of absolute hell I inflict on myself internally. I don't know if I would ha

Continuing from the point I brought up yesterday in terms of 'how to' face addictions , today I woke up with clear direction in how to support myself, but I was aware of the fact that addictions are a habitual movement within ourselves as in our minds or physical action taken, so it's this point of always doing it, thinking it, 'going there' so to speak, to the point where it like becomes ingrained in the very flesh of ourselves as "who we are", as the nature of ourselves - but really it's just a play out of an acceptance, of a way of living, a daily choice we make, even a moment by moment choice we make, where we decide to do something or not. Obviously what lies behind the 'choice' is the most valid point to consider because this is what drives us to ultimately go into an addiction or not. So when we have created ourselves to be addicted to something, it's because we, every time faced with a choice or decision, we "go there"

I am almost to the half way mark of the 21-Day journey I have been pushing myself to walk. If you would like to see the process from the beginning - you can check out the starting point  here . So the last 48 hours were rough for me in terms of really coming face to face with myself; my mind. What I was seeing were addictive habits that I 'thought' I had put in check, but see that they are still there when certain events/situations take place, like an instant activation and I am running on automatic. So after the last 2 days which felt like an eternity of both bliss and shit - bliss being I followed the thoughts in my head that took me into a feeling of such niceness (or so I THOUGHT) and the shit being while in this addiction, standing in the background screaming to myself, "NO - stop this, Stop this!" But it was like I couldn't until I couldn't take it anymore. And a had to let it ALL go and bring myself back HERE. "Back to life, back to reality

What use is the knowledge of breathing if it is not utilized/lived/applied? I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the knowledge of breath as self support is useless without application I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself with/as breathing I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself in not using breath to support myself and instead give into my addictive tendency as seeking energy within/as my mind I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to prevent consequences of how I experience myself in wanting to run away and sleep away my experience because I did not support myself with breathing and instead allowed myself to go within my mind, in using physical energy as substance for the purposes of self interest and within that experience myself as physically sick and weak as I see what I was accepting and allowing and did not stop myself I fo

Why is breathing important? Because if you are not here as the breath, time moves fast as you are busy with this and this and that(in your mind) and allowing all sorts of little things to "catch your eye" in pulling your attention and keeping you tunneled into one thing, and before you know it, you have spent the whole day on one fantastically designed mind-trip where you think you are so happy, yet you are utterly so fucked, as the day has been left with your responsibilities still waiting and now have accumulated energy and consequences that could have been prevented. Ok, so that was just to get the ball rolling here, because I was unsure of the direction I would take in regards to the blog tonight. Today was cool as I supported myself through a fear I had and I did it, and despite the physical reactions, I made it, lol, I'm still here and the support was cool. Yet, from this I was lost within the satisfaction of walking through this point and allowed it to

In the moments before coming here to write, I had a resistance to it. The resistance was in the form of a judgment of myself, for how I saw myself today not breathing effectively, as bringing myself back to my breath. Yet this is a real negative perspective on my part, as only looking as certain moments where I 'fell' and gave into certain thoughts , back chats and reactions. Yet there were other moments, where I did stop and breathe and not allow myself to follow the mind movement I was experiencing. So why do I focus on the self judgment and not how I did support myself? More specifically in relation to this judgment as a resistance to writing, it was within the context of holding myself accountable, as I felt I wasn't today and so did not want to share that in my blog, because I was ashamed. This was not a strong emotion of shame, yet it was there and enough to produce thoughts as ways to justify why I shouldn't write and contemplating how I could excuse mys