Kristina's Journey to Life

So what I am realizing is that I have used another for my own self interest – obviously this is not best for all Within this having expectations of receiving something out of an interaction – expecting something from another for myself – also obviously within self interest. So I feel saddened by this and that I did not stop myself. I fell(felt) responsible now for the creation of communication with another and think I have created some unnecessary conflict through the communication. The point of self honesty here is that I was looking to gain something from an interaction with another. Attention, sex and an agreement. And this was based on the way I defined another to be ‘attractive’. Because I defined them as ‘ good looking ’ I sought them out to interact with me, based on ideas as future projections of an agreement, and sex. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another for my own self interest of desire for sex and agreement I forgive myself ...

Here a point that I have always experienced is a 'wild imagination '. Specifically in relation to my mind 'running off' into all sorts of avenues in thinking and believing and assuming something is going on; seeing a situation or event in my life, my interactions with others, and then going into my mind and coming up with all sorts of reasons as to why/how/what is happening. It's like my interpretation of reality, yet it's always based in fear, self interest, desire, worry, and even paranoia. I realize this has been created throughout my whole life, wherein I have trusted the survival mechanism I was taught in how to protect myself - myself here being the self image as ego - as a way to define my experience in life and those around me. Yet within all of this, I never stop to question, is this real? I trust in the thoughts and the pictures and ideas that come up in my mind, and they can be quite extreme, yet why is it that it's just accepted and not inv...

A point here of self judgment for not having acquired enough knowledge and information about how our world works and then feeling inadequate in communicating and sharing with others about our world.. yet behind this is a starting point of self interest in wanting to portray an image and likeness that others will define as "smart" and "good" and "knowledgeable" I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within not having acquired enough knowledge and information about how our world and it’s systems functions I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within the negative polarity of not being “smart enough” as defining not knowing facts and specific knowledge and information about our world and the functioning of the systems instead of realizing that knowledge and information is useless without practical application, in other words, I could know the ins and out of our entire world and thi...

Here I will share a point of knowledge and information that is not applied as a living statement within oneself and one's world and how that leads to the consequence of reactions towards self and another. In communication I reacted towards another and their words and within this experience felt powerless or helpless in not being able to effectively communicate common sense as a way for them to 'hear' or 'see' what I was saying. It was because it was coming from a point of knowledge and information - things I have heard from others but have not unconditionally applied within myself, investigated for myself, but using it within the starting point of ego in 'wanting to be right' and forcing information and knowledge unto another. So the reaction of "they can't/don't hear what I am saying" is actually a self statement of "I have not lived this myself, I am not clear in this knowledge and information as a living expression of who I am , ...

A point of expecting others to 'be' a certain way in order for me to fulfill my self interest I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within expectations in relation to another – where I expect others to be a certain way for me, for how I expect them to be so that I feel I am in control and getting what I want I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in expectations of others in expecting them to ‘give me’ what I want, so that I can have certain feelings and experiences that I have become dependent upon to ‘feel good’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within self interest in interactions with others wherein I use others for my own desire /want wherein I want them to ‘be’ a certain way with me so that I in turn can feed of the energy of ‘how I feel’ in how they are with me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others for my own benefit, wherein I do not conside...

The other night I had a dream. I was in the basement and Ollie, (my cat ), was down there with me. Neko (our dog) was being let in from outside and he comes running towards Ollie. I grabbed Ollie and struggled to keep Neko away form him as he was trying to bite him. In a moment, I didn’t want to fight anymore, and I let myself relax and stopped fighting against Neko and he bite into Ollie. I heard Ollie scream and this shocked me back into fighting to protect him. I woke myself up yelling, “Neko, No!” My heart was racing and I was scared. After looking at this dream, I wondered why I gave up the fight because it was like I actually didn't care what happened to Ollie. I just didn't want to fight anymore, I wanted to relax. It was like I fed Ollie to Neko. Within this – how I interpret this dream is how I have been living the last few months. Slowly accumulating a desire to give up – already giving up on myself and no longer wanting to fight against myself as the mind – where ...

A point of reacting towards another and through the accumulation of continue to accept the reactions of another, creating resistance towards them I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another based on their words and actions I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make judgments about another based on their actions and words and within this project future play-outs of them stealing from me and to within this validate the thoughts as fears of them stealing from me within believing and accepting them to be true, accepting and validating the judgments I have towards them I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility within judging another for ‘who they are’ and what I have observed within their actions and words, as a way to ‘blame’ them for the way that I experience myself in relation to them – within not trusting them I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to p...