Day 94 - Entertaining myself with Thoughts instead of Being the Change

I could not sleep the other night– and I kept having thoughts and memories coming up – it usually is not that hard for me to get to sleep – yet this night it was difficult. I kept thinking about another – more specifically, I kept WANTING to go into my thoughts and create images that made me feel good, of being with this person and talking to them, and creating some illusionary scenario that does not exist but made me feel oh so good.

So – seeing this point of ‘wanting to be in my thoughts’ because I believe there I can create something I will enjoy - yet, what am I saying about my reality then? And it’s in separation, AND self interest, because it’s a reality for only me and what I want and does not take into consideration THIS WHOLE WORLD - the REAL world - this Physical Reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts within the self interest of feeling good

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind and follow the thoughts that arise within the desire to feel good, creating an energy experience within myself wherein I am able to escape for a moment and go into a reality that is not actually here but makes me feel good.... basically entertaining myself like a movie except within the secrecy of my own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to occupy myself within my mind as being entertained by thoughts about another and speaking to them and interacting with them and within this create positive feelings that I feed off without realizing this is an act of separation and dishonesty, as I am not here breathing, with and as my physical body, with and as this physical reality - but instead lost in my mind in an illusion that i create within my own self interest to feel good

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the physical reality and myself as a physical breathing body through desiring to go into my mind and play out scenes as thoughts as what I would like to experience in reality, yet not doing anything to create this for myself, taking into PHYSICAL considerations, yet only flourishing in the energies I create of positivity

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my physical reality as dull and boring and within this desire to escape into my mind wherein I can make up any kind of reality that I want, attempting to be superior and almighty in experiencing anything that makes me feel good, instead of realizing the act of dishonesty I am accepting and allowing in such moments - not considering what is actually going on in this PHYSICAL reality, such as war and poverty and violence and all sorts of abuse, caused by the very act in which I am accepting and allowing within myself - disregarding myself as a physical body, disregarding this physical reality all for my own self interest to feel good and be entertained and distracted from the responsibility we all have to recreate this world - to stop all the atrocities in this world that are caused in the name of our self interest

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and life as this physical body/reality through separating myself from it to exist in an illusion in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and the life that I live, and the life that is here as this world and thus attempt to escape from it within my mind creating an alternate reality that makes me feel better... instead of FINDING SOLUTIONS so that I don't desire to run away, and thus create a life worth being here for, for all equally

I forgive myself that i have not yet allowed myself to live joy for real, in this real reality as the physical and instead hide out within my mind creating false joy at temporty feelings and experiences of positivity, not realizing this cannot be trusted as they do not last, they are always temporary, not at all constant nor stable and do not reflect the reality of this world and thus I forgive yself that i have not allowed myself to create a reality within this physical reality that reflects the illusion I create in my mind, living real joy, as who I am as life, as who we all really are as this physical reality - equal and one

I forgive myself that i have not yet allowed myself to realize and thus take responsibility for who I am as a creator, not taking responsibility for the creation that is here as this reality and then seek to fulfill my power within my mind creating scenarios that feed my ego of being special and powerful... not realize this is possible within this REAL world - in the physical, if onyl I will become self honest in standing equal and one with and as life as who I really am, realizing this is a process of self honesty, self forgiveness, self correction, breathing.. changing the very nature in which I attempt to hide from and not live solutions for

When and as I see myself disregarding myself as a physical body by not breathing and going into my mind to create and participate in an illusion that makes me feel good, I stop and I breathe as I realize this is separation and this is dishonesty and this is abuse of myself and all life here. I commit myself to bring myself back to the reality world, back to the physical reality with and as breathing to recreate myself, as the reality of who I am, to be that which is best for all within and as equality and oneness so that the reality in which I find myself, that is real as this phyical reality, reflects this equal and one

When and as I see myself judging myself and my life as dull and boring and through this attempt to create am image within my mind as imagination of things that make me feel good - I stop and I breathe as I realize the abdication of responisbility I am allowing through self interest in only worrying about myself and how I feel/experience myself instead of creating in this world for all equally and so I commit myself to stopping the self interest within and as me as my mind, and dare myself to create a reality that is worth living and worthy of life - where no one has to escape, but life can be fully lived as best for all

I commit myself to stop separation in this world through stopping the separation within myself, realizing this world is a reflection of who I am

I commit myself to realize that I am a creator within this reality, as I am a creator of myself and so I commit myself to take full responsibility of creating a reality within and without that reflects what is best for all - equality and oneness

I commit myself to stop seeking self interest as positive feeling and get back to reality to be able to sort it out through sorting out myself

I commit myself to investigate who I am and the nature of myself within and without, realizing nothing can change until I can face what requires to be changed

I commit myself to walking the journey to life, through daily writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application - realizing that nothing will change, inner or outer, until I change and through/within the realization that this world is a reflection of myself and that I am a creator through my acceptances and allowances, I commit myself to make the change that is best for all

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