Kristina's Journey to Life

This blog is in relation to the various mind influences I can have when facing a person or situation. Wherein I will go into my head, within thoughts , and consider all ' what if 's and what about this or what about that and should I do this, or should I do that?' It's like completing disregarding the physical interaction or experience with another with thoughts about how to be and 'what it means' - as if interactions or communications require some form of code to decipher. So this point is of interpreting physical reality within the mind's own perceptions and simply not allowing myself to be here, breathing and simply expressing in the moment - yet attempt to 'figure out' a way 'to be' based on how I am interpreting reality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret my reality and interactions with others with my mind, as thoughts and feelings and emotions, instead of realizing this is a program construc...

This point is in relation to how I had lived my life before, wherein I would replay the thoughts that "I'm not doing anything with my life - I am a loser, and a failure, someone, please give me direction!" Which is obviously within a negative context - yet no solutions were ever lived or changes made, I would just basically sit in my shit and complain and whine and moan about how I was a failure at life, allow myself to judge myself, yet never realize the simplistic solution to DO something about it. Now I seem to be living the polarity. I am busy these days, with school, and work and tutoring and my participation with desteni. I have taking on many responsibilities and commitment - and I am grateful to be doing what I am doing, as every moment of each task is the opportunity to in fact face myself and change the patterns I have seen myself live out. Yet - within this, I have accepted myself to go into the 'positive' side of it as, "Look at all the thin...

Recently I have been seeing just how much I allow energy - or lack of energy - move me in my life. Whether I get a quick burst of excitement that catapults me into anything and everything with a great positive high, or a dull stop where I just want to lay still and don't want to do anything - either way, the positive or negative energies are moving me within my life, and this is not cool. Because I am then allowing automatic responses to direct and influence me, and within this, saying that if something makes me 'feel good', then I am more motivated to interact with my reality - and if I don't get what I am expecting - something that makes me feel good, then I hit a brick wall and I find I don't even have the energy to lift an eye lid. Just goes to show how much the mind pulls the strings and I am not at all living stability here as breath. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live off of high and low energies of the mind to move me ...

In the beginning of my process, as I would lay myself down for the night, I would always lay there, breathing, and apply self forgiveness. either on points I saw throughout my day or just thoughts that would arise in the moment. The experience within this was very cool. I have not done this since then, which has been almost 3 years. I created a resistance towards it where I have now accepted the 'feeling' of it as being 'unnatural'. What I realize within this is that I am allow feelings to direct me, and me not directing myself - which is absolutely what self forgiveness is. Taking direction within self to become self responsible in self honesty to see who self is and to take that self directive principle/will to no longer accept that which is clearly seen as not best for all/self. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to applying self forgiveness out loud before I got to sleep I forgive myself that I have accepted and a...

So this point I want to bring up in what I am seeing myself develop again, in terms of ‘old behavior’. I have been watching tv series before I go to bed, and I have created the habit of keeping the show on while I go to sleep. And the other night, I saw this dependency on doing this – instead of simply being able to be here, in the silence that is the breath and walking myself into rest/sleep.. I was afraid to do this. I wanted the tv on for the noise.. almost like I feared being alone, with myself, which is interesting because I am always alone, yet reveals fear of being with myself/facing myself. I had this habit growing up. Where I did not like the silence, I wanted ‘background noise’ and I think the point is this fear of being alone, fear of the silence and thus using the tv or background noise as a safety sound to make myself feel safe and secure and ‘not alone’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a habit of watching a tv series before I g...

This blog is about seeing in self honesty my starting point for ‘going out’ with others – there was a motive, to get something that I ‘wanted’, of course within self interest, and not based on equality as equal consideration of others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within ulterior motives when hanging out with others I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire something in separation of me here and within this allow it to be the reason and purpose for me hanging out with others I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others within communication and social interaction for my own self interest, where I seek to attain something separate from me within the belief that “if I do this – then I will get this” I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to simply be here, with all that I interact with, as an unconditionally expression and presence of myself I forgive myself that...

Here looking at the realization that every decision I make in a moment is always deliberate - where I am faced with a choice within myself and recently seeing how I choose self interest. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of allowing myself to walk through and get done all the points I require to address in a day, allow myself to ‘do something else’ wherein I see the deliberate decision I make to not take responsibility for myself within the responsibilities I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately make the decision to not stand within myself and walk through each commitment I have given to myself, within seeing how I will in a moment, decide within myself that I would rather do something else, something as a form of distraction or entertainment, in seeking ‘feel good’ experiences instead of remaining steadfast, stable as each breath, to direct myself within each responsibility throughout my day I forgive m...