444: My Sluggish Sunday

Today I am feeling a bit sluggish. I worked this morning, as I do most Sunday mornings, and usually I start the day clear and ready to go. I usually enjoy my Sunday shifts because it’s early in the morning, I’m done by the afternoon, and I have the evening’s off which is great, because I usually work evenings. So I look forward to getting home, spending time with my partner, doing what I have to do to tie up the loose ends of the week, and getting ready for the new week to start. Though often, by the end of the shift, I feel sluggish, tired, and sometimes accompanied by a headache.

No headache today, though the sluggish, tired experience was present. Normally I go home and will rest, watch something, and end up taking a nap before the evening. Today I decided to change it up – not take a nap, spend some time on some responsibilities online, and just decide something different. Well I didn’t nap, though that sluggish, tired experience only compounded. I was moving very slow through what I was doing at home, really only wanting to entertain myself, become distracted, and not very directive in what I was doing – rather just listen to music, watch some videos, etc.

What I can see is that the ‘end of the week’ has a specific definition for me – wherein it’s like I just want to crash from the week that has past, I’ve walked it – it’s done, now I want to allow myself to indulge in the crash, before I get up and do it again tomorrow.

So it’s become part of my routine, pushing through my working week, only to get to the end and end it on a different note then how it was walked previously. Rather than staying consistent, and closing my week in a way that I will be more satisfied with myself and my application, I instead am eager to throw in the towel, like a self-reward, and give myself a little break before it must be done again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the experience of being tired and sluggish on Sundays after my shift at work – where it’s like now the end of my week, and I can just throw in the towel, and physically give into the experience of not wanting to do anything else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain consistent within my days, in how I physically move, as being stable, and constant, rather than going into an experience of being tired and sluggish on Sundays – just because it’s the ‘end of the week’ and I’m ready to throw in the towel for the day

It’s interesting how often we want to ‘take a break’ and ‘not do anything’ and often this is due to some experience we are having. Either we are over worked, or emotionally reacting to something or someone in our environment, we don’t know how to direct some circumstance in our life, we are having difficulty with some relationship – whatever it is, we all ‘want’ that experience of ‘I’m not doing anything” and just go into a point of throwing in the towel, and making an absolute decision to just not do a damn thing.

I don’t think this is a bad thing necessarily – it’s supportive to give ourselves a break, to give ourselves some me time, to do something we enjoy, or something that is relaxing. Though for me – I don’t like how every day I have specific points I like to get to, they are easy and effortless, yet they are responsibilities, and don’t take much time, and they do support me within what I’m doing as the process I’m walking – yet when it comes to Sundays, I just want to indulge in the end of my work week.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a point of tiredness and sluggishness after working on Sundays – and really support this point within me through statements of, “I’m tired,” and physically slouching, and accepting the idea it’s going to be struggle to ‘get through this evening’ with what is necessary to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a routine on Sundays where I just want to give in, throw in the towel, and not do a damn thing, and just basically watch tv, snack, and lounge around – not having a care in the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself more directive, supportive “time off” as points of enjoyment, and relaxing, and some me time, and so creating this point where I end up cycling through this pattern of working really hard during the week, and then ‘crashing’ at the end of the week as not wanting to do or go anywhere and to basically just get comfy in my bed and lounge about, not making for such a productive evening – not keeping my week consistent, and rather going into the high of the busy work week, and crashing into the low of the lounging Sunday night off

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically feel sluggish and tired on Sundays as a pattern I’ve created wherein I define the ‘end of the week’ being a point where one can just completely crash, and give into one’s experience of being tired of the working week – as if it HAS to be that, that one has to be tired from working all week, instead of considering one’s work can be nourishing and supportive and so not tiring and depleting self to the point where one thinks one has to ‘rejuvenate’ and ‘re-charge their batteries’… LOL – what a funny statement. What, are we machines?

Well… yes. Just like machines, we need energy to work, we are programmed to work a certain way, and based on our programming we will act and experience certain things. One program being the end of the work week is where one ‘crash and burn’, throw in the towel, let go of all responsibilities and just relax. Though relaxing doesn’t have to be neglectful, and relaxing can still be self-directive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run on energy, where depending on the level of my ‘charge’ I will feel driven or depleted, and base what I do according to that experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use energy to move myself through my working week, instead of using breath, moment to moment, as a physical self-sustaining nourishment that keeps me present, and stable and not fluctuating on energy, and so prevents any ‘crash’ from the energy I am using and depleting from the physical when I participate within and through the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate or asky ‘why’ I feel sluggish and tired on Sundays after work, as a consistent point that is replaying – where every Sunday I am tired, and sluggish

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision to either go into it or not – meaning standing half way/in the middle/one foot in, one foot out, where I feel sluggish and tired, but don’t go completely into the point, attempt to keep moving myself, but to really make no progress, as I haven’t actually made the decision to direct myself, and instead have as I can see now, made the decision to NOT direct myself, so basically am deciding to give into the point, though I’m sugar coating it, and pretending I’m being responsible and making the ‘right choice’ but really, I am only fooling myself

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to not want to push those tough moments, those challenging moments when I really just want to give up, and give into to my experience, and just say fuck it, and just soothe this urge to lounge about instead of realizing the experience triggering the ‘want’ to relax, is based in energy and to give in is to give the mind the power and authority to direct me, when that is not the mission I am on – I am on the mission to become the directive principle of and as me, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even tempt myself within not making a decision fully to be self-directive, and give even an inch to the mind to direct

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take physical action to assert a decision within me to direct myself, and rather play with the fire as allowing myself to slouch, move sheepishly, and without physical assertion and attention, and so care which only sustains the experience I physically

To be continued...

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