28 February 2013

119 - Seeking Sex within the Secret Mind

So what I am realizing is that I have used another for my own self interest – obviously this is not best for all

Within this having expectations of receiving something out of an interaction – expecting something from another for myself – also obviously within self interest. So I feel saddened by this and that I did not stop myself. I fell(felt) responsible now for the creation of communication with another and think I have created some unnecessary conflict through the communication.

The point of self honesty here is that I was looking to gain something from an interaction with another. Attention, sex and an agreement. And this was based on the way I defined another to be ‘attractive’. Because I defined them as ‘good looking’ I sought them out to interact with me, based on ideas as future projections of an agreement, and sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another for my own self interest of desire for sex and agreement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse another in using them for my own personal agenda within attempting to manipulate the interaction to get attention and evidence that they were interested in me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out another based on how I defined them to be ‘attractive’

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define another based on the picture presentation of ‘the way they look’

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the starting point of communicating with another in/as separation within the desire for sex and agreement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within expectations within my communication with another– in seeking to find sex and agreement and believe that if we were to interact and communicate we would eventually go into an agreement

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to really get to know another as equal and one with me because of my acceptance of using them for my own personal gain within self interest in attempting to obtain sex and agreement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my communication with another within the starting point of expecting a certain result/outcome from our communication such as sex and an agreement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse another within seeing them as a means to obtain my perceived sense of validity of sex and agreement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse another as life through my self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deceitful and dishonest in my interaction with another as behind the veil I presented, I was actually looking for energy within the desire for sex and relationship/agreement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be unconditional in my communication with another in using them for my own self interest desire of sex and agreement

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that to go into an agreement within the starting point of desire for sex, I am not allowing myself to fully investigate whether the agreement would be actually supportive – thus separating myself from the physical reality of two beings coming together, and what that would physically, practically require in an agreement and only existing within the illusion of my mind in desire for sex and a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that without the desire for sex and relationship I would no longer perceive communication and interaction with another to have ‘a point’

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that interaction and communication requires ‘a point’ instead of realizing the ‘point’ I am seeking for in interaction and communication with another is for an desired outcome of being in agreement and the ability to have sex

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the desire for sex as the reason for me to start communicating with another

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for the abuse in which I participated in in allowing myself to communicate with another within the starting point of self interest as desire for sex and agreement

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself by the energy of desire for sex as self interest in acting out to communicate with another instead of supporting myself in slowing down with/as breath to really see what I was accepting and allowing within the communication with them from the beginning

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to form a relationship within my mind to/towards another as being someone I could go into an agreement with and within this form expectations from our interaction and communication and when it did not go that way – when they did not give to me what I was expecting to receive – react within myself as I was not getting ‘my way’ – revealing here the whole point I was within as the whole interaction was of self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate another within attempting to make them attracted to me through our communication within the desire for sex and relationship

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to use another, as I have used so many others, in my own private game of attempting to ‘get what I want’ as sex and relationship – to feed of the energy of excitement I generate within my mind of possible future play out of ‘what could happen’ or ‘how it could be’ all within the positive energy of ‘feeling good’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be direct with another about my experience and reasons for communicating with them– deliberately holding secrets within my secret mind, presenting myself as something other then what I was actually doing – realizing the dishonesty within this, the manipulation, the inconsideration – the abuse of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a personal agenda and ulterior motive for communicating with another as being the desire for sex and agreement

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to desire sex and an agreement with another based on pictures and images of them wherein I defined them as ‘attractive’ and from that moment decided because of this and only this, I wanted to be in an agreement with them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define another within the limited perception of ‘how they look’ defining them according to the way they physically look instead of actually getting to know them as a being equal and one here as life

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define the only reason to go into a relationship to be based on ‘physical attraction’ and believe this can and will sustain a relationship/agreement

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences I have created in not considering what is best for all, what is best for another, what is best for life in my starting point of desire for sex and agreement within communication with another.

When and as I see myself moving towards the direction of communication with another within/as the starting point of/as desire for attention, sex and agreement, based within defining another according to their picture presentation as the 'way they look', I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the awareness of me here, and direct myself from myself here and not in/as the mind of picture images supporting the desire of/as energy for attention, sex and relationship as I have seen/realized/understand that this is within the starting point of/as self interest, not within the consideration of another as my equal, but only within the desire to fulfill my expectations and wants/desires which is abuse, dishonest and deceptive - so instead I breathe and do not allow myself to move within such a starting point and instead investigate the point within writing, self forgiveness and self commitment statement to bring myself back to the point of self honest, self responsibility - taking responsibility for myself and for the interaction/communication I create within my world with others and thus I commit myself to no longer separate myself from others within only considering myself and my self interest and instead investigate the self interest and what it is I am seeking, to be honest with myself about it and thus develope self intimacy within myself to ensure that I create interactions/communications with others, as myself, based on self trust, self responsibility, self honesty and no longer having hidden motives and agendas that only serve my self interest as ego.


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26 February 2013

Day 118 - Wild Imaginations

Here a point that I have always experienced is a 'wild imagination'. Specifically in relation to my mind 'running off' into all sorts of avenues in thinking and believing and assuming something is going on; seeing a situation or event in my life, my interactions with others, and then going into my mind and coming up with all sorts of reasons as to why/how/what is happening. It's like my interpretation of reality, yet it's always based in fear, self interest, desire, worry, and even paranoia. I realize this has been created throughout my whole life, wherein I have trusted the survival mechanism I was taught in how to protect myself - myself here being the self image as ego - as a way to define my experience in life and those around me. Yet within all of this, I never stop to question, is this real? I trust in the thoughts and the pictures and ideas that come up in my mind, and they can be quite extreme, yet why is it that it's just accepted and not investigated?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the fear within my wild imaginations within allowing myself to interpret my reality and myself within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within my mind as 'wild imagination' wherein I will interpret myself and my reality and others within my mind in the form of thoughts, pictures, assumptions, fear and ideas - in my attempt to understand the experience of myself in moments and give myself reasons to why I experience what i am experiencing and thus trusting in the imaging in my mind where I do not stop and question... is this real? Are the interpretations I am allowing myself to run with have any substantial truth, or are they simply a coping mechanism I have created throughout my life through self definitions of 'who I am' and my attempt to protect this 'self image' as how I define myself?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question the tangents I create in my mind as wild imagination when I see myself in moments trying to understand and ultimately make myself feel better in moments where I react to myself, my life and others in my life, wherein I have created and designed a filter that if I follow I will always come out 'on top' wherein I justify my existence and the reasons to my experiences in accepting them without questioning them, and use my wild imaginations to make sense of what it is I am accepting and allowing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the carrot on the stick within my mind as wild imaginations where I will allow myself as my mind to run amok in attempting to understand a moment of experience within myself and with others, where I will conjure (wrote con-just, LOL, the just of the CON) up all sorts of ideas as to why people interact with me the way they do, or why I experience myself the way that I do as a means to understand and create a positive feeling within myself as a way to actually suppress an experience of myself in the moment, such as going into fear about an interaction with other through defining their response to me within specific bounds and then attempt to understand, through how I perceived their interaction with me, the reasons behind what I see in them, not at all stopping and asking myself, is this real? Am I seeing simply through my own self created eyes as the image I project onto others, and instead of taking responsibility for myself and my experiences, attempt to abdicate the responsibility through distracting myself in defining others within 'doing what they do' - I realize it's always in relation to me, my interactions with others, and thus it is not 'them' - it is Me!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow myself down in moments where I see myself attempting to interpret reality through my minds eye, wherein I will go into wild imaginations about what is happening and why I experience myself the way that I do, realizing this is just a way to deliberately deceive myself in not standing stable within physical reality and instead go into the alternate reality within my mind where I am always the winner, I am always the best and there is always justifications to why I experience myself the way that I do, usually because of "them", and thus believe I do not have to take responsibility for myself in how I experience myself and define myself within my ego as self definition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in the wild imaginations in my mind, especially those that seem so 'out there', when I realize that in rationality they are completely absurd yet still trust my internal process of understanding my reality and environment, instead of simply being here, seeing with real eyes, my physical eyes, and not what I project through my minds eyes that is always within self interest as attempting to protect my self image I have created; realizing that throughout my life, I was taught to 'survive' in this world without common sense practical understanding of who I am, what this world is and who we are as life, and how to live in physical reality, and so was left to trust the mechanics of my mind wherein I follow the imagery and ideas based on past events and experiences as to how I must be in this world and explanations of why others are with me as they are, as the justification for the acceptance of myself as the self definitions as my ego

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to stop and question the internal process I see myself get carried away with, when the fury of the thoughts arise and I am running after reasons as to why I experience myself the way that I do in relation to my environment and others in my environment, instead of asking questions. Why am I having these thoughts? Where do these thoughts come from? What am I trying to protect with these thoughts? What am I afraid of? What am I trying to understand/see/realize? How have I constructed these thoughts? And instead get lost in the wild imaginations of my mind that I have come to see/realize/understand is just who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, in how I define myself and me within this existence, others and life as a whole; as images in my mind and reasons for how I see things in my mind simply justifying and excusing the internal processes without ever once stopping and investigating whether or not it was real.

When and as I see myself running away from physical reality through wild imaginations in my mind as my way of interpreting physical reality, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the awareness and questioning of, "is this real?" - to instead of just accepting the moment of separating myself from physical reality to participate in the imaginations in my alternate reality of the mind, investigate myself in who I am accepting and allowing myself to be in such a moment and to find the source of the nature of the wild imaginations I have used to define my existence as the moment as I see/realize/understand that the nature of the wild imaginations are always within an attempt to give reasons to the reactions I have in myself, my life and interactions with others and so I commit myself to stop internalizing my physical reality and instead see with real eyes through questioning myself as the mind, as the reactions that I have to ultimately realize that the minds eye is an illusion and physical reality, what is happening and real here is that which is substantial and truth and so I commit myself to investigating the truth of myself, the nature of my mind and the imaginations I allow to run amok to really get to know the being I have accepted and allowed of myself to be able to release myself from the bondage of the mind as the lines I must follow and instead allow myself to live, free of mental interpretations, but instead here with/as the physical

When and as I see myself justifying a moment of reactions I have within myself and within my world and in relation to others, I stop and Breathe and do not accept and allow myself to trust in the wild imaginations as a way to give reason to my experience, as I see/realize/understand that the imaginations are always based in self interest, desire, fear, assumptions... and so I instead commit myself to not participate in the self interest design of the wild imaginations as my way to interpret myself and my reality and instead trust myself to breathe, be here and investigate in PHYSICAL reality through PHYSICAL actions to see what it is I am experience, so with writing, breathing and communicating investigating the moments of my experience to start trusting myself to see with real eyes and not the minds eye of imagery that does not support life in fact, but only supports the ego of self interest and separation

When and as I see myself abdicating self responsibility within/as physical reality through allowing the wild imaginations within me as my mind to take hold through attempting to define and interpret myself in my reality, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to self awareness as self responsibility to remain self honest with myself within/as breathing, as the mind reality within/as me only exists because I accept/allow and thus participate in it and so I commit myself to stop my participation in my mental reality as I see/realize/understand that it's existence is based within a false self, ego, self interest, desire, and fear and does not at all take into consideration physical reality and so I commit myself to always bring myself back to reality, the PHYSICAL reality through/as breathing and to no longer trust in and participate in the alternate reality of the mind as wild imaginations as who I have accepted and come to trust as 'who I am', instead I use it as a tool to support myself in getting to know myself as who I have accepted myself to be in physical reality and re-align it to walk with/as this physical reality within the principles of what is best for all, self responsibility, self honesty, breathing - being here/as this physical reality as to sort out what's within me and what's within this world to no longer accept separation to reign


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24 February 2013

Day 117 - Self Honesty in Self Education

A point here of self judgment for not having acquired enough knowledge and information about how our world works and then feeling inadequate in communicating and sharing with others about our world.. yet behind this is a starting point of self interest in wanting to portray an image and likeness that others will define as "smart" and "good" and "knowledgeable"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within not having acquired enough knowledge and information about how our world and it’s systems functions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within the negative polarity of not being “smart enough” as defining not knowing facts and specific knowledge and information about our world and the functioning of the systems instead of realizing that knowledge and information is useless without practical application, in other words, I could know the ins and out of our entire world and this physical reality - yet it's who I am within that and what I do with the knowledge and information, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having knowledge and information about our world so as to feed my ego and desire of being “smart” so others will perceive me as being knowledgeable and thus look up to me, instead of educating myself about our world and it’s functions to be able to find solutions that are best for all. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to instead use our world as a means for self interest which is clearly the product of our world and only perpetuates the self interest reign on earth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of finding solutions within the acquired knowledge and information to really have an understanding about our world, to instead judge myself as not being ‘smart enough’ instead of realizing the waste of time this is, as I am able to stop the judgments and apply the corrective application of taking time in my life to watch the vast amount of documentaries and read articles and overall support myself within self-education about our world systems to be able to see and realize what is going on to then be able to find livable solutions for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being capable enough to understand our world and how it functions instead of stopping the limitation as not simply taking responsibility for actually educating myself and no longer giving myself excuses to stay within the programming of my mind wherein I believe I am not smart enough to understand or comprehend the magnitude of what is required to be corrected on earth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my ego of wanting to “be smart” in the face of others within the knowledge and information of this world, instead of valuing myself as life, as an equal responsible participant in our world that can in fact create change and so realizing the solution is to acquire the knowledge and information about our world to be able to understand it and thus align it to be what is best for all, instead of using it for my ego’s purposes of competition with others and attempting to be ‘more than’ myself within the self judgments I have and the image in my mind of myself that I am attempting to create and live up to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have always existed for the purposes of my mind, to serve my self interest and my ego in wanting to do things as a way to get a reward as either winning, or being seen as superior or getting a positive feeling/feedback within my life, instead of simply living principles that would create and manifest a human being that actually cares, that considers this physical reality and what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist educating myself within learning about our world and what is going on and how it functions and why it functions the way it does, as I realize the responsibility within myself to see/realize/understand what is here to be able to then stand equal to and one with it as a way to direct it into solutions that is best for all on this earth and so I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand responsible for myself, within and as this world to learn about what is actually going on within our physical reality as facing what is here to be able to thus correct it and no longer accept and allow abdication of responsibility to creation ever again

When and as I see myself attempting to learn about our world within the starting point of self interest desire to perpetuate the self image I display for others through communication, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the awareness that this is unacceptable and only supports what this world already represents as I see/realize/understand that knowledge and information is useless without application and thus I commit myself to stop using knowledge and information about our world to support my ego of separation and self interest and to instead apply it within my life to really understand what is here as our world to then in turn find solutions that are best for all and so I commit myself to apply the knowledge and information I find in this world to better prepare myself to correct not only myself but our world into the creation of what is best for all

When and as I see myself valuing the self definitions of myself that I desire others to validate and get positive feedback from, I stop and I breathe and bring self back to self responsibility in no longer valuing my ego as self interest more than me here as life, as my physical body, as my physical breathing and stop perpetuating the value system in this world through stopping it in me as I see/realize/understand that self interest dominates this world and is allowed because I have allowed it within me and so I commit myself to value me as life here and not as my mind as self interest in the need to validate myself as the image and likeness I have created as a means to survive in the world of competition and instead educate myself about how this world is as I see/realize/understand that it is a mirror reflection of who I am and so I walk an equal and one process of investigating within and without; who I am within and what this world is without and find solutions to stop the separation and abuse of self interest and instead live and apply tools that support me to become an effective human being in this world that truly cares and creates a world that is best for all

I commit myself to investigating our world, through news and documentaries and personal studies as taking responsibility for my participation and existence here, to not waste this one life I have, but to really discover what is here as existence to thus be able to align into within and as the principles of equality and oneness as what is best for all

I commit myself to investigating myself within the Journey to Life, realizing that what this world is is directly reflecting who I am and all that I accept and allow within myself and so I commit myself to daily writing, self forgiveness, self corrective application, breathing, self honesty, common sense as to take responsibility for myself here as an equal participant in this world and to no longer allow within or without the abuse and self interest that is currently manifested in our world.



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20 February 2013

Day 116 - Living Words instead of Using Words

Here I will share a point of knowledge and information that is not applied as a living statement within oneself and one's world and how that leads to the consequence of reactions towards self and another. In communication I reacted towards another and their words and within this experience felt powerless or helpless in not being able to effectively communicate common sense as a way for them to 'hear' or 'see' what I was saying. It was because it was coming from a point of knowledge and information - things I have heard from others but have not unconditionally applied within myself, investigated for myself, but using it within the starting point of ego in 'wanting to be right' and forcing information and knowledge unto another. So the reaction of "they can't/don't hear what I am saying" is actually a self statement of "I have not lived this myself, I am not clear in this knowledge and information as a living expression of who I am, it is still just words that I have separated myself from because I have not put them into practical, physical living. What I have realized is that sharing my experience within applied knowledge and information is much more effectively 'heard' by others rather then speaking words that I am repeating because I defined them as 'sounding good'.

So some points to consider:
-using knowledge and information within competition as communication with another, attempting to be 'right'
-using knowledge and information that I have not unconditionally applied in my own life and thus attempting to get another to see/realize/understand and thus live that which I have not done/lived for/as myself
-experience of powerlessness in not being able to communicate to another points of realizations and self honesty I have seen within myself
-self judgment for attempting to use knowledge and information as a way to feed my ego of being right without slowing myself down to 'be here' as communication and thus share in/as clarity
-Using words in separation of me, from hearing them from another and defining them as 'good' and thus then use them to in turn get this reaction of 'sounding good' from another, again an ego point

The consequences of this is that I ended up getting frustrated and gave up/gave in to the experience I was allowing and abruptly ended the conversation, which caused strain on the relationship with another person.

This could/can be prevented simply by me taking it back to myself and taking responsibility for myself through investigating all things, all knowledge and information, all tools, all principles - to apply them to myself and my life before expecting another to do this just because I say so. The best way to create change is by being a living example, and so here is my 'preacher character' coming to surface in attempting to 'tell another' what to do, instead of doing it myself, showing it by how I live, who I am, how I express and communicate and what I will and will not accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when hearing others sharing knowledge and information that I define and perceive as 'sounding good', use in communication with others as a way to present myself as 'sounding good' or smart or to create an experience within them that I had when I first heard the knowledge and information

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and perceive others who use knowledge and information as a way that sounds good to me, where I can understand what they are saying and they make 'valid points' that i define as strong in their standing, as superior and to then use those words in attempt to get others to view me in the same way, as smart and knowledgeable

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use words as knowledge and information as a way to manipulate others into perceiving me in a way that I desire, as being smart and knowledgeable and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/abuse others as a way to feed my ego of self interest in wanting to be seen as superior with the knowledge and information that I have

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that knowledge and information is useless if it is not lived and thus proved this to myself in speaking from knowledge and information without applying them as who I am in how I live each moment - as the words I spoke did not stand absolute, they were not an expression of myself, of my self honesty or my realization, but instead in separation of me to support the separation within me and thus fell without a stable grounding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use words as knowledge and information as a way to compete with another through communication wherein if I disagree with someone, I use stored knowledge and information about things I have heard and pull them out as a defense mechanism, to 'save face' in not being wrong and use any means I can to come out on top; as the winner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use communication as a way to compete with others, instead of realizing the competition is simply a war of the minds and has no real substance in this reality and thus I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to validate the self definitions of the ego in/as the mind through competing in communication as a way to be 'right' and the 'winner' of a conversation that has disagreements

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to apply all knowledge and information that I have heard and read and seen throughout my life, to investigate all things and keep only that which is good, only that which is self honesty in nature in being best for all, as taking into consideration this reality, everything and everyone and how to live effectively as the best to my ability and to no longer share words as a means to separate myself through competition

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to apply within my own life and living knowledge and information that I share with others in expecting them to do that which I have not done myself, which is see/realize/understand common sense insight and realizations and self honesty, wherein I can speak from my own living and not from the mind of stored knowledge and information that I have judged as 'good'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, from the starting point of using knowledge and information in separation of who I am as how I live, create an experience of powerlessness within me in communicating with another as feeling like 'they' can't hear me, 'they' don't understand what I am saying, instead of realizing that this is a self statement, wherein I have not explored the knowledge and information within myself and my life to really get to know what it means to be 'the living word', to thus then be the living example of living words equal and one with/as who I am instead of as the mind of knowledge and information used only for the service of self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself within the knowledge and information that I share with others through expecting and then blaming them for 'not hearing me' instead of seeing I have not 'heard' the words, I have not been 'here' with the words, I have not lived them as who I am and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself unto another as a way to abdicate self responsibility to being the change through investigating all things, all words, all knowledge and information and stopping the ego of self interest and competition in/as me that uses words in separation of me here

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that once I apply and live knowledge and information as a practical, physical living expression, then communication in all forms will stand as who I am as the words I speak and share and thus no more will I allow this feeling of powerlessness as I have given myself the power to be the words that I speak, to live the words that I speak, to be the living word that stand absolute in self honesty and self expression and thus no more require the need to 'prove myself' as the words because it is simply who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for reacting within communication with another as I saw myself coming from a point of ego as using knowledge and information instead of immediately stop and breathe and bring myself back to the point of self responsibility, in allowing myself to see what I accepted and allowed but to not compound the experience through self judgment, and instead simply see what is/was required to be corrected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the consequence of reacting to another and abruptly ending the conversation within giving up on myself and giving into the experience I was accepting and allowing within myself, and to thus cause strain on a relationship with another instead of realizing this could have been easily avoided through realizing that I am responsible for the words that I speak and words spoken in separation cannot stand absolute and will fall inevitable and thus I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to only see/realize/understand what is required to be changes because of the consequences that I have created instead of, lol, using the knowledge and information that i have about self and the process of self correction to prevent any further separation within myself and within my world, through investigating myself, bringing myself back tot he point of self honesty and self responsibility within all things and allowing myself to stand clear and stable within who I am, as the expression of myself, without needing to prove something or be right or support the war of minds and instead express unconditionally as who I am as the expression of myself, as the living word

When and as I see myself hearing another share knowledge and information that I then define as 'good' and 'smart', I stop and I breathe and I flag this for myself in knowing how the pattern has played out before, and so as a way to prevent myself form using that knowledge and information to get from another the reaction I had initially had about 'sounding good', I investigate the words and their meaning and determine how I can live them as a physical living expression of who I am, equal and one with me, and not in support of the ego of my mind as a means to be superior to others and thus I commit myself to investigate all things, to keep only that which is best for all, and to find ways in which I can live the words as who I am to support myself within standing absolute and clear within who I am when sharing in communication with others

When and as I see myself using words in separation of me through attempting to manipulate others to see me in a certain way, as being smart or sounding good, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself in/as the physical without the ego of the mind that attempts to compete and come out as better then others because I see/realize/understand that this is separation, this is not best for all, this is not self honesty and thus I commit myself to stopping the separation within and as me as using knowledge and information for the sake of self interest

When and as I see myself speaking in a moment words that I have heard before, that I have not investigated for myself and simply speaking without awareness of the living expression of the words, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself in/as the physical as breathing as I see, realize and understand that to speak words without awareness, within using what I have heard before to create a reaction or perception in another about me, is of self interest and is dishonest and so I commit myself to stop repeating words for the sake of self interest and ego and commit myself to living words as who I am, as expressing who I am equal with the words I speak, and not from a starting point of knowledge and information stored in my memory

When and as I see myself in communication with another, grasping for words in which I can compete with, that make me sound better and smart and will somehow allow me to 'win' the game I am playing with myself and others, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to awareness as who I am as breath and do not allow myself to play the game, the war of egos as I have seen realized and understand that this gets no one no where real fast and thus I commit myself to stop supporting competition and validation of egos within communication with others and simply express myself as the words that I speak, without needing to win or be validated for what I say, but simply share myself unconditionally within self honesty as the moment

When and as I see myself speaking in a moment as communication with others, saying to them 'what they must do' within something that I have not lived/applied in my own physical living, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself as the moment as awareness, to no longer project responsibility unto another without taking responsibility for myself first, as I see, realize and understand that I must be the change I want to see in this world, and thus implies I must live/walk the changes as who I am and live as an example without expecting others to change when I have not yet changed myself

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing and thus participating in the experience of powerlessness in communication/conversations with others, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself in/as the physical with/as my breathing and realize that I must go and look back throughout my days in where I was allowing myself to use words in separation of me as I have seen, realized and understand that to experience powerlessness in communication implies I have given my power away, and thus am not standing stable and absolute in the words I speak, and so I commit myself to taking responsibility for myself in what i accept and allow as the experiences of myself and to investigate where I still accept and allow myself to use knowledge and information in separation of me here as the experience of powerlessness implies I am not here as the words as the power of myself as self expression

When and as I see myself participating in self judgment for seeing reactions within my regarding who I was in a moment, I stop and I breathe and I do not perpetuate the energy experience within myself, instead I breathe and ground myself in the physical, clear myself from all reactions and instead take responsibility in seeing who I was in that moment, applying self forgiveness for allowing myself to react in that moment and not standing stable as who I am, as breath, and commit myself to live the correction as I see, realize and understand that this is a process, and will take many moments of my standing up and stopping and no longer allowing the inner reactions and mental realities to influence me and thus I commit myself to continue to support myself through my process/journey to life in becoming self honesty as I live each moment, breathing in/as each moment, being aware of myself, in what I accept and allow and no longer accepting limitation of the ego in it's attempt to impose it's existence on reality


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07 February 2013

Day 115: Expectations of Self Interest

A point of expecting others to 'be' a certain way in order for me to fulfill my self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within expectations in relation to another – where I expect others to be a certain way for me, for how I expect them to be so that I feel I am in control and getting what I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in expectations of others in expecting them to ‘give me’ what I want, so that I can have certain feelings and experiences that I have become dependent upon to ‘feel good’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within self interest in interactions with others wherein I use others for my own desire/want wherein I want them to ‘be’ a certain way with me so that I in turn can feed of the energy of ‘how I feel’ in how they are with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others for my own benefit, wherein I do not consider them, their lives, who they are and our interaction as an equal and one expressing of who we are and instead use them for my desire/want to get what I want from them, which is usually a feeling or emotion as energy that I feed off of to feel better about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to fulfill me within the desired experiences I have to feel ‘positive/good/high’ wherein like a parasite I feed off the interactions I have with others in order to get my fix and when I do not get what I expect, feel like I a missing something and push the point to then get what I am looking for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others within using them for my own self interest, where I do not consider the totality of who they are and who I am in our interaction, and instead just blind myself with the expectation and need to get a certain feeling experience from them that validate my experience of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself within depending/expecting others to interact with me in ways that I can ‘feel good’ wherein I then validate my self acceptance of requiring others to ‘give me something’ that apparently I cannot give myself

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to question the expectations I have from others as in how they interact with me, as I now see/realize/understand that it is within the starting point of self interest – only concerning myself with how I feel and what I want and desire from them and thus proving I am only using them for my own personal gain

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to question that which I believe I get from others within the expectations of their interaction with me – this ‘feeling good’ wherein I energize myself within how they respond to me that I then use to define myself within my mind as my ego of ‘who I am’ and become then dependent upon this experience to validate my existence – as when I do not receive what I expect others to give to me as the way they interact with me – I am forced to be alone, within my experience of expectation of others and thus have faced myself when others do not give me what I think I require and thus I am grateful for this experience as I am then able to face myself and see and realize what it is I am doing is in fact not best for all as it is within self interest

When and as I see myself expecting from others to be a certain way with/around me as the desire/want for a specific feeling/energy I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the awareness that this game is abuse and self interest and thus I bring myself back to breathe, to stop expecting others to give to me that which I believe I need and realize that I do not require feelings and emotions and positive experiences to live, I only need/require physical support in the form of actual physical things like food, water, shelter, currently money – and so I stop the dependency on energy that I have created within myself to ‘feed me’ and bring myself to the only source which is can actually feed me – life/substance/physical

I commit myself to stop the parasitic feeding of others for an experience of energy as feelings like a drug addict looking for it’s next fix, and instead breathe within bringing myself back here, as breath realizing that breathing is the action which feeds me as life – I am able to live as I breathe and thus I stop feeding the mind/ego with the search for energy and instead be the breath of life

I commit myself to stop abusing others in using them for my own self interest wants/desires

I commit myself to face the dependency I have created towards others and energy and to stop the addictions I have accepted and allowed as a way to validate the self created definition of ‘who I am’

I commit myself to be self honest in ‘who I am’ in relation to all things in order to see the truth of what/why I do what I do, and only keep that which is best for all – as NOT using others for my own gains, but instead breathe here in not needing anything from others and thus able to be unconditional in sharing and communicating and interacting without any hidden agendas or games

I commit myself to expose to myself the nature of my being in order to empower myself to change myself

I commit myself to walk the journey to life as writing, self honesty, self forgiveness, self corrective statements, in realizing that only through these tools will I be able to direct myself as the experiences that come up that are not best for all, such as allowing self interest direct me to expect from others and thus I commit myself to being the directive principle of myself, and not depending on energy or others to give to me something that motivates me in this life, and instead motivate myself within self movement to be/do/live that which is required to be a human that actually care and that can actually create change in this world, within and without

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05 February 2013

114 - Dream Insights: Wanting to Give Up

The other night I had a dream. I was in the basement and Ollie, (my cat), was down there with me. Neko (our dog) was being let in from outside and he comes running towards Ollie. I grabbed Ollie and struggled to keep Neko away form him as he was trying to bite him. In a moment, I didn’t want to fight anymore, and I let myself relax and stopped fighting against Neko and he bite into Ollie. I heard Ollie scream and this shocked me back into fighting to protect him. I woke myself up yelling, “Neko, No!” My heart was racing and I was scared.
After looking at this dream, I wondered why I gave up the fight because it was like I actually didn't care what happened to Ollie. I just didn't want to fight anymore, I wanted to relax. It was like I fed Ollie to Neko. Within this – how I interpret this dream is how I have been living the last few months. Slowly accumulating a desire to give up – already giving up on myself and no longer wanting to fight against myself as the mind – where I don’t want to have to ‘stand up’ anymore, as I perceive it to be so much easier to just give up. This is in relation to being active throughout my day in dealing with all my responsibilities. I have given up and allow myself to escape in books and tv series, or sleep. So within this – realizing that I have giving up on myself… yet it seems a severe consequence woke me back up. Will I have to wait to suffer before I realize what I must do in this life? I realize I cannot stop fighting, I must fight for myself – for myself as life. And it’s a constant battle changing myself, because I am attempting to change the very nature in which I have ingrained within myself as the flesh of my body since the day I stepped into this world. It will not be easy, until I live changes enough to make habits that are best for all/me a living constant – a habitual program that runs. I realize all humans are programmed and nurture has designed us a specific way to be – and stopping it and changing it is the greatest task I will ever take on in this life – yet I realize the necessity. I realize I am the image and likeness of this world and this world is the image and likeness of me. Equal and One. And thus I am responsible for myself and for this world – and so the decision is clear. From this I must realize that there is no quick fix or magic serum that will make everything all nice and good. I must BE THE CHANGE – practically in every moment changing myself from the inside out. This is creating new ways of being, become aware of myself as living being that is a PHYSICAL BODY – getting back into this reality that is physical and stopping all self interest that I exist within as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to give up on myself within my process of change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into thoughts of self sabotage wherein I tell myself that I will never be able to change, instead of realizing that within this self talk I am in the process giving up my power and will to actually do that which I believe I can’t

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is easier to live in the mind instead of breathing here as who I really am as Life

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe living in the mind is easier then standing up for myself as life – for all life as me, instead of realizing it is only the process of changing the very nature in which I have accepted myself to be and in time, and through process, slowly but surely it will become more easy, as I become the living decision of how I will live and thus take the responsibility I have to be self directive to direct myself in each moment

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the simplicity in changing through realizing I as a human am programmable and thus all that I require to change in who I am as the living flesh… to create habits and patterns that are best for all, best for me, within the consideration of equality and oneness and thus actually live self honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the consequences I create in giving up based on ideas and beliefs in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to suffer before I will wake up to the realization that I am responsible for myself and for this life we all share

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that nothing will change unless I change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up at the slightest of resistances I have to new habits and actions I participate in my daily living, instead of realizing that only at first will it be difficult.. and if I keep allowing myself to fall it will only get worse, because in each fall I accept that I am powerless and the mind is more the me and I am not able to direct myself in each moment, instead of realizing that to walk through the first signs of resistance, I assert myself as the directive principle of myself and thus will myself to move, to speak, to act in ways that are best for all and slowly but surely through time recreate myself into a being that is worthy of life through/as giving my life worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in the self talk in my mind that justifies my desire to give up instead of realizing that in those moments, I am disengaging from reality and thus separating myself from actual life, that is here, breathing as my physical body, equal and one with all life that is here in/as this physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only change when I face a consequence so severe that I have no other choice but to stand up and change and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that prevention is the best cure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I desire to give up instead of stopping, breathing, forgiving myself for such a moment and moving on, within self honesty and applying myself within my day to day responsibilities

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that 'who I am' as the Mind is my creation and thus I am not 'less then' or 'inferior' to it in changing it, it is not 'more than me' - it is ME - as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and thus as I created/design/manifested myself to be the who I am now, I am equally able to change myself in creating myself into a being that is here, taking and standing self responsibility for who I am as/in Life

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to realize that when I am wanting to give up - it is always in the form of thoughts, or back chats, or feelings and emotions that move and influence and direct me within my life, wherein I always in my pursuit of it, end up regretful, remorseful and wishing I "did it different" and thus I stop the pattern of self disappointment and walk myself through the process of self change, as self application, applying myself within the tools I have to no longer live a life of cycles, repeating the same behavior and patterns that I know do not support me to be the best human I can be and thus I stop living in circles and walk here, in each moment as each breath and stop myself the moment of experience "I want to give up" as i have seen/realized/understand where that path goes, and I no longer accept and allow this of myself.

When and as I see myself within the desire to give up, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here, back to the realization that within this I am giving away my directive principle as the power of who I am as life, and thus I stop giving into the mind, and give myself back to life. I stop the fear that I will not be able to change, and I support myself to actually change, within the journey to life, through writing, self forgiveness, self honesty and self corrective application, realizing that to want to give up is within accepting limitations and I no longer accept myself to limit myself within this life. I commit myself to stand in moments of resistance as the desire to give up realizing that the more I assert myself as the directive principle to no longer accept and allow my thoughts/feelings/emotions/internal experiences move me, the easier it will become to stand absolute within the decision of who I am in this life. And thus I commit myself to re-design who I am from that of self interest in seeking the run away from the responsibilities I have within myself and within this world and commit myself to walk the decision of changing my nature, changing the self accepted "I Am" of self definition to be that of equality and oneness, of what is best for all, here aware of this physical reality as my physical body to take care and sort out our current reality to be an expression of real life for all

Featured Artwork By: Andrew Gable

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02 February 2013

113 Response-ability for Others


A point of reacting towards another and through the accumulation of continue to accept the reactions of another, creating resistance towards them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another based on their words and actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make judgments about another based on their actions and words and within this project future play-outs of them stealing from me and to within this validate the thoughts as fears of them stealing from me within believing and accepting them to be true, accepting and validating the judgments I have towards them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility within judging another for ‘who they are’ and what I have observed within their actions and words, as a way to ‘blame’ them for the way that I experience myself in relation to them – within not trusting them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project dis-trust unto another due to the reactions of judgments I have had towards them and the observations I have made about their actions and to within this, go into my mind and back chat about them, and justifying and excusing me being ‘right’ for judging them based on past experiences with them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have internal reactions when I am around another within judging them and not trusting them and within this to then resist being around them and resist communicating with them based on MY own internal reactions towards them, so in this then validating ‘my position’ as being right, justifying my judgment towards them, blaming them, spiting them in my mind, and accepting my position as being ‘better’ then them– instead of realizing the separation I am creating within all of this, as I am not standing in their shoes, I am not considering the current world/reality that has been accumulated through generation after generation of cycles of abuse and they, like me, are just a product of our current accepted world system/reality and thus ‘they’ are not to blame, and to accept and allow judgment towards them without considering ALL that has gone into creating the being that they are is in fact limiting and separating myself from them as life, equal and one and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as another through reacting and blaming them for my fear and resistance and distrust towards them, instead of bringing it back to myself within realizing the experience I have in relation to them has nothing to do with them– it is only a reflection of myself and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in such a way throughout my life wherein I do not trust myself, where I blame myself and where I judge myself and thus resist facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another as an excuse for the judgment, blame and spite that exists within and as me within saying “they are to blame, I have good reasons to not trust them, they are a bad person” instead of investigating for myself my own life, who I have been, where I have not lived and stood for what is best for all, where I Have not been honest, where I have not been the best I could be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to being around another based on past experiences and reactions towards them, instead of stopping myself from continuing my own cycle of experience I have towards them and instead find solutions I can live moment to moment to stop the blame, judgment and distrust that exists within me towards them

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to become self honest about this reaction/relationship I have created within myself towards another and because I have not communicated to myself about it – through writing and self forgiveness - I have not been able to communicate to another about it and so instead suppress the experience, pretend ‘all is well’ and become tense and stiff and nervous in their presence, on the outside showing them “I am fine” when the truth is in the inside – in my mind, I am reacting within disgust from the accumulation of accepting thoughts of judgments and blame to/towards them

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that another, like all human beings here, are a product of our environment, through generations we have been programmed to exist a certain way and thus what we have currently are human beings that are unable to live effectively, where we manipulate each other and blame each other and judge each other, and value more then others, and secretly talk shit about each other and gossip… and there is so much distrust and hate in our world that we are inevitable doomed and thus I forgive myself that I Have not accepted and allowed myself to stand in the face of what is here, as humanity – as the manifested consequences of consciousness, and stand equal to “life” that is currently here – which is another, and realize many are unaware of the automatic response we exist within, as there exists no awareness within the human, only self interest as the internal reality of righteousness, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another and blame them for who they are, instead of realizing my equal and one participation/creation/acceptance of what is here as all humans, and so instead of furthering the blame, spite, judgments and hate, instead find living solutions where all (wo)men are considering, seen, valued as equal and only through self responsibility will we be able to stop the cycles of abuse we have continued to perpetuate in this world

And so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to, in the face of manifested consequences, take responsibility for what is here, as myself, as an equal and one contributor to what currently exists in this reality and to thus stop the cycles of recreating what is already here and instead birth new life that is in fact best for all – where all are equally responsible, equally self honesty, equally forgiving, giving to each other what we would like to receive, and thus stop the cycles of abuse and inequality and separation and hate.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become response-able within myself and for/as others when I allow reactions and blame towards them direct me within my experience within myself, wherein I give my power to them through accepting that I am powerless to the experience I have towards them, instead of responding within the ability to see them as my equals and to stop blaming as blaming is separation and to instead ivestigate within myself practical livable solutions that no longer support me to go into blame and reactions within myself and to instead remain stable, responsible and self honest in each moment, no matter who I am with or where I am

When and as I see myself reacting towards another within blame, judgments, fear or resistance, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the realization that “they are me” and thus I face myself, as another, as the manifested consequences of the self accepted reality of ‘who we are’ and push myself to face what is required to be changed, within me and without. I commit myself to stop all blame and judgment within myself towards another realizing it is a projection of myself and thus I bring it back to me and see what another is reflecting to me. I commit myself to realize that ALL experience within myself as thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions, back chats, judgments, spite – are ALL MY creation, my acceptance and my allowances, and thus I stop myself from continuing to exist within blame of another, judgment of another, hate towards another for who they are and how they live, and instead find LIVING solutions for myself, as an equal participation, in equal responsibility to change how “life” is currently lived and thus I commit myself to stand self responsible for my reality, within and without, to thus be able to give myself the power to be the change and no longer powerless to the reactions I give towards another

I commit myself to stop blaming others for past experiences

I commit myself to stop giving value to my fears as thoughts of future projection of what another 'might do' to me

I commit myself to realize everyone is a mirror for me to face myself, and all experiences I have towards another, both positive or negative, are in fact revealing to me who I am in relation to myself

I commit myself to stop suppressing the experiences I have as judgments, blame and resistance towards another and then ‘pretend’ everything is OK, and instead communicate the experience within myself with myself, through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application, to in turn find living solutions for myself to stop the cycles of blame and to instead stand responsible for myself and equal and one in the shoes of another

I commit myself to investigate myself in relation to all that is here, as the journey to life, to correct that which has been accepted and allowed, as I have come to see/realize/understand I have only and always existed within self righteousness, in attempt to be more then others, better then others, within blaming others as a way to abdicate responsibility to/of anything in this world – including myself and I stop here

I commit myself to face any resistance I have towards another through investigating the nature of the resisting to see what it is I am giving my power over to

I commit myself to stop the internal reality of back chats, judgments, and blame, to once and for all give to another what I would like to receive and once and for all stand in self honesty, where I do not harbor resentments towards another and instead investigate why I react

I commit myself to stop the cycles of the past generations, as the clones of the parents that have come before us - I commit myself to educate myself within practical physical reality to in turn live as an example for others, so that we might create future generations where live is no longer missed in the mind of blame but here in equality and oneness as what is best for all, I commit myself to be the change I want to see in this world, physically, practically and breath by breath

Featured Artwork By: Marlen Vargas Del Razo

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