26 November 2013

279 - Repeat Apology

Something I am noticing within myself recently is this point of 'acting out' in reaction and then later coming back to whomever it was that I acted out towards or was around me when I was in a reaction and saying, "I'm sorry - I see I reacted, that was unnecessary, forgive me" as a way to take responsibility for how I acted/reacted.

There is nothing wrong with this necessarily, I mean after a reaction, I face the fact that I was reacting and experience the guilt or shame that comes with not standing in a moment and it can be a point of support to learn/understand what happened in that moment and how I can thus correct it in future moments.

Yet I'm seeing this is becoming frequent and suggest I am not actually getting to know the reactions/why I am reacting and walking the process necessary to correct it and create solutions for me to utilize in such moments and instead just allowing myself to go into them, to act out, and then later attempt to take responsibility in saying "I'm sorry"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself in moments where I see I am going into a reaction as a form of frustration or blame towards my external world/environment and/or those within it and instead allow myself to become possessed as acting out the reactions and then only later realize what I did/allowed and then attempt to take responsibility for it as coming back and saying, "I'm sorry, I see what I did and it was not cool" and in a way 'explaining myself' as a way even to justify what I had allowed when in reality, there's no excuse when I could have acted within the principle of prevention and Stopped myself in the moments of heading into a reaction through utilizing breathing and slowing myself down as taking back the power and control to not allow energy as emotions 'take me over' and thus abdicate the responsibility I have to myself, here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'make okay' the reactions I act out with others in coming back to them and saying "I'm sorry, I was reacting, that was not cool" as a way to take responsibility yet continue to repeat the miss-take of allowing reactions to take me over in the first place and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow a destructive pattern to continue within/as me and in my living as allowing myself to go into energy as emotional reactions in not investigating the moments that triggered such reactions and thus give myself solutions in how to correct the point instead of repeating the same point/pattern

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the reactions I allow within me in moments through blame towards my external environment and those within it in thinking and believe 'they' are the cause for the reactions, instead of realizing the reaction exists within me and thus my responsibility and despite what is going on 'outside of me' I am always in a position to stand stable and self directive and thus have no real excuse as to why I would allow reactions to 'take me over'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into embarrassment when I see how I've acted out within a reaction and to within this, use as a starting point for apologizing to another for the way I behaved, as a way to save face and an attempt to take responsibility, yet still within self interest as I was 'worried' at how I looked and was perceived by another and knowing that I 'let myself down' as not allowing myself to stand and not accept and allow a reaction, instead I acted out and thus wanted to take back the powerlessness I felt when I saw I reacted and how another might have saw me within that

When and as I see myself acting out as reacting within myself towards what's going on in my external environment and towards others in my external environment, I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down in this moment as I see/realize/understand the pattern here I've played out and that requires to be corrected as stopping myself from allowing myself to exist as reactions that then lead me to only later attempt to take responsibility for who I was in that moment of reactions, instead of realizing I don't even have to allow the play out, I can stop it as I see/realize/understand that my apologizing later is not really taking responsibility for myself, it's an attempt to 'make up' for who I was and to soothe the guilt I experience in seeing who I was in such a moment of reactions

And so when and as I see myself feeling guilty or embarrassed for past behaviors as reactions I allowed myself to act out and thus desire to within this starting point, apologize to others who might have seen my behavior, I stop and I breathe and do not allow this to be the reason for apologizing, instead I breathe and look at the moment as what triggered the reaction, what were the thoughts, the feelings, the emotions and thus apply the self forgiveness and corrective statements to support myself in stopping myself from acting out reactions

I commit myself to apply the principle of prevention, especially when I see certain patterns playing out within me and in my reality and so instead of repeating the same miss-take, become self responsible in the moment I see the reactions starting and me wanting to act them out, I stop here, and I breathe and ground myself and do not allow myself to be influenced by the reactions and instead decide to direct myself in the moment in not 'going into' the reaction

I commit myself to to stop living patterns that are self destructive and do not support me within life and living to the best of my ability

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