This memory/time in my life was specific in that it was the point in my life where I realized the process of self forgiveness. This was before I ever was introduced to Self Forgiveness as a structured application of taking self responsibility and as a self clearing/cleansing - it was before I ever found desteni. I came to the conclusion that the only way I would be able to let go of the experiences I was having at that stage in my life would be to forgive myself for my past, what I had done - I mean I was in the point of self blame and regret and it was consuming me within my mind to the point where it was a constant distraction and would completely take me over - and so it was cool from the perspective of supporting me to see for myself this point of realizing, I can forgive myself - I will have to forgive myself.
So while I was writing these memories out from this time in my life I got to a part of the memory that I had never really looked closely at. There were emotions coming up as I was writing that I had not realized were 'here' within me. I kept writing.
When I finally stopped - I placed my hands together and in that moment experienced gratitude for myself and for the moment as writing I was giving to myself. And in that - realizing the time I was giving to and as myself. It was as if I was communicating with myself, spending time with myself, getting to know myself and I was really enjoying the self intimacy in that moment. I mean these are things I've heard are the process in which we walk within the desteni group - yet tonight it seemed more clear what it really meant to get to know myself, spend time with myself and be intimate with me. In this, I also realized the relationship I have with myself and how I have not really honored it to the best of my ability. It's like we get so caught up and consumed with relationships with other people or school stuff or having to work - that we never stop and spend some time with ourselves, for real. We seem to get caught up in living for others or doing for others that we forget about ourselves. And the relationship that matters the most in the world and the focus of what this process and journey to life is all about - getting to know self.
So as I stopped writing, I put my hands together, folded and placed them on my keyboard and sat there for a moment and just breathed, seeing me as the words typed on the computer. I experienced a sense of intimacy with myself I had not yet experienced or realized I could have with me. I saw myself as my own friend and in that the potential of developing a lasting relationship - one that I can trust and count on and be content with. That was another point I saw - how in that moment, after a long time of missing the point, I was okay being with myself alone. I have not experienced that in quite awhile and I see how I've used things outside of myself to distract me as this act of self-separation.
I've been reading some fellow Journey to Lifer's blogs recently and this point has come up in more than one of them - of giving ourselves some time with ourselves, cherishing the time we have with ourselves - stopping for a moment and spending some quality time with ourselves. And that can be doing anything, but specifically in relation to this point of writing. I have had such a resistance to writing myself out since I started walking my process 4 years ago, although I have pushed through the resistances to some extent and got myself to a point of consistency with it, it's still been a 'push' for me. And tonight I can say for the first time it was something that I enjoyed, as myself and with myself - really seeing more into what it actually means to living self intimacy.
So tonight's point - grateful for self and this process of self writing and developing self intimacy and the relationship that counts the most in this world - that relationship with ourselves. And seeing the extent to which I've attempted to hide from myself through resisting writing and how I've not really given myself the opportunity to get to know me to the extent to which I now see and realize is possible. A point I will work with - spending time with me, writing with myself as self-communication - developing self honesty and enjoying the process I walk with me, in getting to know me and what is here as the totality of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the point of self intimacy as self writing as self communication - where I give myself the time and space to spend and get to know me, to really see myself through the words I write and the memories I have and how I have existed throughout my life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist this point of self intimacy as one develop through the act of self writing
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider what it means to be self intimate through self writing/communication in allowing resistance to really bringing out points within my life that have been here but I have not directed in allowing them to 'sit in the back ground' without really bringing to the forefront
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not spend time with myself as placing other relationships in my life as more important - forgetting about the relationship that matters the most which is the relationship I have with myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never consider that I can actually live self intimacy through physical actions that I live in my days such as writing and really letting go in looking at memories and experiences I've had throughout my life and how within that, I can actually get to know myself and get to a point of trusting myself and heck, even enjoying myself as the time I give for and as myself through self writing
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value more the communication I have with others instead of valuing the point where communication can be developed as being most effective and that is through communicating with myself through self writing
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the essential point of my process as what I am currently walking and that is the point of self intimacy which leads to self trust and self expression when one wills oneself to be self honest through self writing and so here getting a taste of what that actually means to become self intimate and all that can come from this gift to self
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself time each day as a point of self directed time spent with self - where I spend time with me, enjoying my own company, getting to know myself and in that, honoring and cherishing the relationship I have developing with me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so easily become distracted by other relationships within my life and let go of the one relationship that I know I can create to be of worth and accountability, stability and that I can trust - which is the relationship I have with myself - here is where I develop the starting point for all other relationships and thus I see/realize/understand now the importance of actually getting to know myself, becoming intimate with myself, communicating with myself and thus laying a foundation with myself as an agreement I walk with and as myself and thus always within the starting point of self responsibility and honesty within all relationship within my world/life as I walk in creating a solid and substantial relationship with my own self
When and as I see myself not giving myself the time and space to become self intimate with me as communicating with myself through self writing - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the realization of what this process I walk is all about - getting to know myself, developing a relationship with myself - creating within myself and as myself, the foundation and agreement from which I walk/live/apply in my life - self trust, accountability, honesty and ultimately, intimacy - seeing into me as who I've been and who I can will myself to become and it starts with me here, through physical actions that I can apply each day where I spend time with me, give to myself the time I deserve and as what it will take to establish a self of worth and integrity, expression and actual life.
I commit myself to getting to know myself
I commit myself to developing self intimacy
I commit myself to developing self love
I commit myself to developing self stability
I commit myself to developing self enjoyment
I commit myself to create a relationship with myself that I can count on, that I can stand as and from which I can move from that will create, from and as me, a relationship with all life that is best for all and within/as equality and oneness. So I embrace myself and this process of change that can and only will start with self.
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