17 August 2013

232: The Ability to Trust My-Self

I’m becoming aware of this experience/reactions I have been having. It came up in what I wrote about yesterday about not trusting myself, what I see and standing by that without questioning myself or second guessing myself.

I see this also in relation to communication I have been having a lot recently of with a family member. Where her feedback is that of gratitude and excitement as asking questions and wanting perspective about things, walking into her own process of self discovery and change – as she has seen the process I have been walking and in that the proof of the tools I apply from which I have been supported with from the Desteni group.

But in this – I see myself ‘second guessing myself’ and questioning myself within our communication. Almost like saying, “I don’t know what I am talking about – I have no right to share these words with her – I have not lived this/these words/these applications absolutely” and it’s like a fear of saying things I should not be saying, or thinking that I am not being supportive. Yet in her words she tells me otherwise. So what do I trust? The physical being that is physically speaking to me, telling me how she finds support in our chats, or the thoughts/experiences/reactions within my mind that tell me I should stop and I don’t know what I’m talking about?

Obviously I realize that I can always specify in seeing who I am within each moment of our communication – if there are any reactions or energy moving me to say what I say, and that is where I utilize self honesty. Yet for me to react and say “I have no validity to speak such words” is really abusive in not recognizing the process I have been walking and the tools I have been applying and the support I have been willing to give myself. Yes I realize I can become even more disciplined and diligent and directive in who I am in each and every moment of/as breath – yet why do I not at least honor myself in trusting myself in who I am, the process that I Have walked and the insights/realizations and changes I have seen within myself. Why would I not recognize this?

So the point again here is self trust. Learning to trust myself in who I am and gifting myself the ability to simply let go any reactions that are in the form of self judgment or self doubt. To say “I don’t know what I am talking about” is really diminishing in I am not allowing myself to see that which I do see – that which is real, where I can see and share and speak common sense as I have applied it in my own life and seen the changes within me. Why not allow myself to trust myself within what I have walked thus far and how it’s supported me to see more clearly reality - physical reality, how to approach things, how to consider things, how to investigate things, how to simplify one’s life, how to take responsibility, how to question oneself. How to forgive and let go and walk in/as breath. I mean if another can recognize this in me, and see the value of it – why can I not do this for myself? Why only when someone points out to me that yes, It’s cool what I have been doing, and yes, that is a point that is valid and practical… why must it be another to give me the permission to trust myself?

So a point I must investigate more and specify in terms of seeing why I do not trust myself, why I am not willing to trust myself, why I am not willing to stand as self trust and thus whenever I speak or share or communicate about something that I am seeing within common sense or self honesty, or explain ways in which I have supported myself – stand as that as how I communicate about it and do not sway in my standing – do not second guess myself – do not allow myself to diminish myself in saying I have no right to speak, or I cannot possible see for real ways that could possible be best for all or that could support one to live more effectively in their life. If I cannot stand in trusting myself then I will be forever a slave to another to tell me, “yes girl – you got it.” I am tired of waiting for a savior, a guide, someone to lead me – it’s time I once and for all lead myself and trust myself in that which I have walked thus far as my Journey to Life to continue supporting me to see even more of myself/this world through practical, common sense, physical reality eyes. To simply breathe and stand equal to and one with who I am here and give to myself and others as I have been giving to unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when communicating with a family member in not trusting myself in what I share

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to react when communicating with a family member as thinking I have no idea what I am talking about

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to react to myself in thinking I have no right to share with others ways to support themselves as I have supported myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to think I am not living supportively enough within my own life to share with others instead of realizing the equal and one opportunity to support myself as I support others as supportive communication

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear I am causing harm in sharing with another in communication – in not trusting what I say as the words I speak, the process I have walked, the insights and realizations I have come to, the ways in which I have supported myself to approach and direct my life – revealing I am not trusting me, I am not allowing myself to trust myself and honor myself enough to give value to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back to the point of self doubt as not trusting myself in who I am, not gifting myself with the ability to stand as the process I have walked and the clarity I have given to myself thus far

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not value myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to only trust and value myself as the words I speak, the communication I share, the perspective I have – only when another tells me that yes, I got it or that yes, it’s supports them – expecting and enslaving myself unto another to give to me the ability to trust me

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to trust others more than myself to live self trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need another to tell me “yes, you got it” when I question my perspective as how I see things and how to support myself or another – to never trust myself in what I see

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect someone to always be there validating for me that yes, it’s cool how I see things and how I see best to approach things, instead of realizing that I am projecting my expectation as I am waiting for myself to trust myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to second guess myself as a form of self judgment and self doubt as implying that I cannot possible know what I am talking about, I have no substance from which to speak – who do I think I am? I am not worthy enough to share principles and tools I have yet to live absolutely

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as unworthy to be able to share and support others in sharing my perspective of things, in not honoring myself in where I am currently in my process, where I have been, what I have giving to myself as applying the tools and thus standing within the honor of myself in seeing the worth in the process I have walked

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to accept self trust and worth only when another confirm to me what I see is clear and self honest

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not yet live self honesty enough to trust myself in what I see

I forgive myself that I Have not pushed myself to become self honest about everything within/as me and in this live self honesty realizing this is only where I will birth self trust as me

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the patience to walk my process of birthing self trust as me through becoming self honest about what is here as me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as unworthy to share with others support that I have utilized in my own life and that could potentially support them in theirs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not good enough to have any sort of authority within who I am as the words I speak and what I share as support I have utilized within my own life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself limited in not allowing myself to stand as self trust, where I stop myself in the moment of communication with others, ensure I am clear as breath when speaking, and share unconditionally who I am, where I am in my process, what has supported me and the perspective I have of how to simplify one's life within common sense practical reality, and trust myself and the process I have thus walked to be able to support another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust more the internal reality within my mind that is contained within self judgment, doubt and abuse then the actual physical reality and actual physical beings when they express they find support in communication with me - to not trust them and instead trust my internal back chats that say, "no, I'm wrong, I don't know what I'm talking about, I should stop this, I'm not worthy" - in this I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to never question the self-questioning as self judgment and doubt that is the form of defining myself as not good enough or not worthy enough to share in communication ways in which I have supported myself and my current understanding of how to live tools to support oneself to live effectively and pushing self to become the potential we have never realized as ourselves - realizing I have been walking a process and within this process, even participating in projects/activities that have supported me within my self trust as supporting others, to simply share myself, how I walk my process, what has worked for me and what hasn't and without judgment of what i Have walked, where I have been, where I am currently, but instead realizing it's a process - and through time and patience I will develop more of myself to stand absolute in who I am as self trust in seeing/sharing/speaking/standing in ways that are always best for all

I forgive myself that I Haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that only through the tools of writing, self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective application will I learn to live as self trust, as I am giving myself back to myself and directing myself in ways that support me to let go of the illusions of the mind that I have trusted but never questioned and in this seeing my own deception and so I continue to push myself to walk my process as my Journey to Life of daily self support to remove the deception within me and to live self honestly in all ways, knowing that I will reach a point where I am stable within self trust, where I no longer need an outside source/confirmation/validation to tell me, "yes girl, you got it", but to instead do this/be this/live this for/as me

When and as I see myself reacting to myself as questioning myself as self doubt and self judgment in the form of defining myself as 'not good enough, worthy enough or even knowledgeable enough," to share in communication with others, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to me here, as self trust - trusting myself to speak within stability as breath to ensure I am not communicating form any point of reaction or energy and instead simply share myself in the moment, unconditionally, what i have come to understand/see/realize through a process I have been walking - to honor myself in this process, to recognize the changes I have made and the gifts I have giving to myself through self forgiveness and so within this I commit myself to stop doubting myself and waiting for another to confirm to me that it's cool what I see/share - my perspective, but instead give myself the permission to share my perspective as honoring my SELF - as an equal participant in this world that has an equal value to all other life and thus trust myself share what is best for all life, as I have see what is best for me - what it means to live FOR self and no longer because another says "it's okay" - I commit myself to stop waiting for a savior, a validator, a guide - I guide myself through the tools of self honesty, writing, breathing, self forgiveness and self corrective application within realizing that only when I live this I will birth myself as life - as self trust and self authority to give to others what I have giving to myself and thus be able to give unconditionally as the proof of what I have lived, as who I am


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