16 August 2013

231: Learning to Trust myself as Security, Stability and Certainty

Early today I was writing about some reactions I was having as questioning myself from a conversation from the night before. I was bringing the points back to myself where although I was stable in what I was communicating about, I also saw how I was separating myself from some points I was expecting another to give - so here is the SF for that (the 2nd part of this blog is from later in the day, after some realizations in relation to these points):

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations of ‘how’ an agreement/partnership should be walked in comparing my ideas to the reality of our current situation and then be in judgment that we are not walking it ‘right’ and thus judge and blame another as being the reason we are not walking an agreement/partnership ‘right'

I forgive myself that I  have accepted and allowed myself to blame another as the reason I experience myself not walking an agreement/partnership effectively instead of realizing it is the self agreement I am not walking effectively that I then project unto another as the form of blame

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my self agreement in projecting my stability in walking an agreement/relationship/partnership with myself and another through blaming another for my experience within myself that is my creation/acceptance/allowance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that how I walk my self agreement will determine my experience in agreement/relationship/partnership with another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place more emphasis on an agreement with another then my own self agreement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a ‘right’ agreement would produce an experience of certainty and security and stability within me instead of realizing I must do this for myself as realizing that only I can do this/live this/be this for/as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own self certainty, self security and stability as my self agreement by projecting this responsibility onto the agreement/relationship/partnership with another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect an agreement/relationship/partnership to be the director of how I experience myself

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to realize that I am responsible and the source/cause/origin of how I experience myself in relation to agreement/partnership/relationship with another and in all things in fact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect certainty in an agreement/partnership/relationship when I have not yet lived certainty as myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to expect security in an agreement/partnership/relationship when I have not lived security as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect stability in an agreement/partnership/relationship when I have not yet lived stability as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet stand within the realization that I am self security, certainty and stability when/as I walk my process as establishing a self agreement and any form of expectation from another or an agreement/partnership/relationship with another is in separation from myself as my responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if an agreement/partnership/relationship is made then I will experience security, certainty and stability within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power to another in a form of agreement/partnership/relationship as being the one that determine my standing – of who I am, of how I will or will not experience myself instead of gifting these points back to myself in realizing that is only then when it’s real – when I am standing as who I am in each moment of each breath as self secure, certain and stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look within an agreement/partnership/relationship for certainty, stability and security

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I will find certainty, stability and security within an agreement/partnership/relationship with another

I forgive myself that I have in this way waited for a savior, a guide, someone to lead me to an experience where I am secure within myself, stable and certain instead of questioning why I believe that another can give this to me if I cannot give this to and/or live this as myself

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that I am here, as  I breathe, I am here and thus I am secure in myself as breath, I am stable in myself as breath, I am certain as who I am within/as my breath and so I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to walk this process of establishing and standing and affirming who I am as security, certainty and stability within/as each breath

 When and as I see myself expecting to or believing I will find certainty, security and stability within/as another in the form of a agreement/partnership/relationship I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the realization that the place I am looking is not the place I will find these points, and thus breathe in and out the realization that it is here as me - as who I am as self certainty, self security and self stability, as what I accept and allow and I do not accept and allow and what I see is necessary to be done as the process I am walking of being and becoming my own self standing of self support, gift myself the ability to direct myself, to move myself, to make decisions for myself and within this I am living certainty, security and stability as me as I see/realize/understand that I can no longer sit and wait for an experience to be given to me from another as this only indicate I am not living it here as me and thus I commit myself to continue walking my process of establishing within who I am the resolve to stand as self security, certainty and stability through/as the tools that have supported me thus far and will continue to support me as I walk this life as what I see is best for all - so I commit myself to breathe, to write, to self forgive, to commit to living principles and to always correct myself in moments I am able, in changing who I am as a physical being in a physical reality with the ability to stop in every moment and decide who I am as the directive principle of me

I commit myself to stop projecting my own responsibility to live self security, stability and certainty unto another and instead gift myself as living them in each moment as me here as each breath

I then chatted again with another and realized I was not trusting myself in what I was seeing in terms of what I was expecting as being something valid and self honest. Instead, I questioned myself and then reacted to myself. Here is what I wrote after communicating with another:

I can see how I supported myself through my ‘daily routine’ as a structure I placed for myself as the points required to be done in a day – and then simply changing myself within those points as the realization that it must be done, is now supporting me in how I expand this process to the ‘greater’ in terms of the timeline of my life. Where I have to make decisions as what is priority for me, and what is here currently for me and so in this next year I wanted to ‘place the points’ as placing my structure that is the direction I am walking towards as completing and thus this is stability walking. This is certainty walking. This is security walking as I have directed my life in such a way where I have decided ‘what I will do’ now all I have to do is simply walk it. And as those points as the decisions in my life are placed, such as completing school and then doing sales training, all I require to do is change myself within these points – meaning the structure is in place as the timeline of what I will walk and if there is resistance or reactions from within me in relation to these points – these points that I see are best for me in this process that I am walking in my life – then that is my responsibility to sort out.

So I am grateful for this feedback I received tonight yet I also realize that the reactions I was having are my responsibility to forgive and simply remove any energy that might be influencing my experience in relation to it.

Overall the point here is I am not yet trusting myself within what I see – I question myself when it comes to what I see as what I would like to walk in my life, as I have never been one to give myself direction. I have never been one to direct myself or my life in terms of what I will do and then mapping out or planning out what I will do – I have always left it ‘up in the air’ essentially, like not grounding myself in physical reality and assessing the practical reality of things and what is here and what can be changed and what can’t be changed and then moving self accordingly – it’s fascinating how simple this life becomes when one ground themselves in reality, stop waiting for direction or someone to tell you what to do – you simple look, assess, decide what would be best within living principles and trust that which you see.

This is the process I am currently walking as giving myself this point – self trust, I am not yet fully trusting myself because I have never really allowed myself to see what is real within reality, I have always existed within my mind as hopes and desires and future projections that never every took into consideration physical reality, what is here and what is practical, or then I would never bring into reality as something that is actually lived/walked, I just ‘thought’ about it as ideas, and never trusted those ideas or desires of what I would like to live or what kind of direction I would like to give myself, I always hesitated and second guessed myself and in the end always gave up on even trying.

And so here still a point I am facing in learning to trust that which I see, how I asses things, what I see to be practical reality considerations – that which I would like in my life as gifting myself with the ability to make decisions, make plans and then simply walk them into reality.

So grateful for the tools I have been using and have been given to unconditionally by desteni – what a gift to live simply here in reality and learn to stop the energetic, emotional and feeling influences within ourselves charged up in the mind that seem to oh so complicate everything. When in reality – everything we require is here and from what is here as our physical reality we can make decisions, make choices, see what is best, what we can do or can’t do at the current moment, see what is practically necessary to be done, what is required from ourselves and then simply walk it. Any reactions or ideas I have about the physical reality of my life currently as the placement of points in my life are irrelevant and unnecessary and distract me from being here, walking moment to moment, in reality in fact.

So grateful for the simplicity my life has become and the stopping of myself as existing in over-complicated-ness where I would never allow myself to see for real what is here as my reality, what must be done, what must be walked, what must be directed. Learning to be self directive – what a gift.


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