208: Do You Even Hear Yourself?
I see how much lack of awareness and self responsibility exists, within me, when I am at work. The words that come out of other people's mouths and my own is astounding. It's like there is absolutely no consideration for life or humanity existent within our words, let alone awareness of what our words actually imply and how they so nicely reflect the reality of ourselves as what we have created and allowed ourselves to become.
I saw the point of responsibility to 'put a guard' over my mouth before I speak and for awhile there I was actually walking this application and would not allow myself to participate in certain types of conversations - such as gossip or back chat dialogue - where it's like whatever comes up in people's mind, usually the most vulgar stuff - just comes flying out of their mouth and I would not participate. I would not respond. Because from my perspective it's the ego's voice that has no substance or worth in the actual physical reality. So I would stop myself. And I would not say anything.
Slowly but surely I see myself and how I have come to 'just accept' the conversations in my work place and 'play along'. In those moments there would be like a, "ah - what are you saying - why are you participating... what are you doing" and so there was like a deliberate 'knowing' that I should not be participating in such conversations and yet I found that the desire to 'fit in' and 'belong' was greater than my will to stand within principles and integrity.
Really it was like I just stopped caring; stopped caring about myself as 'who I am' within the responsibility I have for the words I speak and what I accept and allow through the types of conversations I participate within. Because I see judgement for others words within me - knowing that it is so limited and unproductive and abusive in nature. Judgments of this is useless and abdicate my power of responsibility and change - so that must stop. But I also see how I almost like 'gave up' in trying to stop and protest of not participating. It was like I was taking a stand, but I did not see any effects of it, or I started seeing the effects of building relationships with people I work with and so within this - wanting them to accept me and thus would allow myself to 'get closer' through communication - but the communication I would allow myself to diminish within and as the words I would speak and the types of conversations I would have with others.
More so even, now I see within this, that the point that played a major influence is that when I would stop myself from participating in certain conversations or if a being would say something to me - seeing and realizing that what they are saying is not something I would want to participate within - I wouldn't know what to do. In that moment it was like I was 'expected' to speak - they were speaking to me and thus I 'must' respond. Or at least that is the reason and the accepted ways of humans interaction with each other. Like no matter what one would say, the 'rules' 'are you respond. So when I would find myself in those moments,it would be like a "ah, what do I say - I do not want to participate but yet they are waiting for a reaction or response" and in that I didn't want to cause conflict or feared what they would think of me if I said nothing - or fuck, even the idea of standing up and speaking self directive words as a statement of who I am and that I will NOT participate in such conversations or see there is no value in what is being said - that I would not do. And so instead of facing these moments within myself - in fear of 'what to say' or how another would react to me according to what I decide to do in that moment - I allowed myself to fall and simply go along as that was somehow 'easier' then standing up.
I see this is unacceptable and not how I want to live and see that is does not support a world where beings stand equally responsible for who they are, as thoughts, words and deeds and so time to direct myself in giving myself solutions within this. To map out for myself what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow and who I will be in such moments in standing within the principle of self honesty and self integrity and the realization that all are one as equal and thus who we are is always reflected in our words and if we dare to start HEARING ourselves we would realize how much we are not HERE - we are so separated into our minds and anything/all things that come up as the vulgar, unworthiness we have created ourselves to be in relation to life - to ALL of life.
So the point here is to take responsibility for who I am as the words I speak, the communication that I participate within and basically what I am supporting, creating and manifesting as the acceptance of how people interact. Gossip, talking shit about others, complaining, blaming - these are all points that are unacceptable within communication as the point is NEVER about another - it is ALWAYS self - existent within and without and so that is the gift I must realize. I have the ability to change who I am in how I live, what I speak, share and say and I no longer accept myself to limit myself to be a portrayal of my mind as my ego that only sees self interest and separation towards others and life as a whole which takes on the nature of abuse of life.
I will continue with self forgiveness in the posts to come.
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