12 April 2013

142- Learning How to be Self Directive as the Journey to Life

Tonight I am looking at this point that I saw within me in the last couple days. I have been busy, up to this point, in my Journey to Life Blogs walking through specific moments, wherein each moment took many days to go through, and so every night that I would sit myself down to write a blog, I essentially would have 'direction' as to what I should write my blog about. So there was no point of "what should I write about?" because I had already laid it out for myself in the previous days/blogs.

So while I got closer to walking through all the points, I saw that I would no longer have this point of direction given to myself, already here waiting for me, I would have to be self-directive in my writing in deciding what I am going to support myself with seeing/writing/forgiving/etc. This brought up some slight fear and resistance wherein I went into this point of, "oh no - now what will I write about" and "I don't have anything to write about" - and so really a point I see I could have easily manipulated and sabotaged myself with as far as 'waiting' for some extreme point within myself/my reality to than be like ok, this I can write about, and until than not write because of this little voice that says, "there's nothing here."

So instead I push myself to write here, because I have finally been pushing myself to stay within the commitment I have made in walking my Journey to Life, and I have not seen one valid reason thus far that I have tried to give to myself to miss a day, and so there is no reason not to write and I will not allow myself to give myself any more excuses.

Actually, this point is cool support in realizing that this is essentially what blogging is all about, and why we do write; self directive/self expression. Allowing ourselves not to 'need' a specific reason or purpose or driving force, outside and separate from ourselves here, to write, but to instead pushing ourselves to simply being here, writing, exploring, expressing and thus supporting ourselves not only in getting to know ourselves as who we are as the mind; the specific personalities and characters we play out and that we can see in the shape of our thoughts/feelings/emotions/memories/reactions/behaviors, but also to see what is here that we have not allowed ourselves to express, that self expression as the freedom in the moment to simply be here, breathe and write as life. This is self direction; directing ourselves in the moment in NOT listening to the voice in our head that tells us we cant, or we can do it later, or there is nothing to write about, but instead directing ourselves to see, yes in fact there is MUCH here as ourselves to write about and thus our responsibility is to walk through it all, day by day; moment by moment, point by point until we have cleared the shit that stinks and stand up as self directive, self expressive human beings standing in the principle of what is best for all - obviously we have much to work with/out as this is a 7 YEAR Journey to Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I require direction from something outside and separate from me here in order to write by journey to life blog

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and resistance when I saw the points I was walking through in my previous blogs were coming to an end, as I saw I no longer had "a point" waiting for me when coming to write my blog every day, and thus fear not having any direction; not directing myself and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to direct myself within deciding what to support myself within as writing my journey to life blogs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back chat of "there is nothing here"  as a point to excuse myself from not having to face this point of standing up within self direction, in giving myself the direction within my blogs to write myself out; leading myself in 'where to go' within myself as the journey of self dis-covery

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to face myself without direction giving to me from previous blogs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define not having direction giving to me from an outside and separate point as something I must fear

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to be free in the moment as self directive expression, wherein I have always depended on direction being giving to me, in all areas of my life, in how to 'proceed'; never considering that I can do this for myself and so I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to give to myself self-direction and instead expect it from a source separate and outside of myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot direct myself in each day as my journey to life blogs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear directing myself as I have never allowed it of myself before and thus fear the responsibility I am now taking upon myself, because how convenient it is to depend on others to direct/decide for me, as then I am somehow 'free' of any responsibility and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility through giving others the power to give to me direction, instead of standing as this  within/as myself and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist the point of change within myself in giving myself/living as myself, self direction as the directive principle of who I am and how/what I express as me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this is why I write the journey to life blogs; to teach myself how to become/live as who I am as the expression of myself as self directive/directive principle of myself; not needing thoughts, feelings or emotions or someone/something outside and separate from me here, to guide me but for me to instead guide myself in/as the moment of self honesty as the breath to express that which is here as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always depend on thoughts/emotions/feelings/reactions and something/someone outside and separate from me here to direct me within myself and my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what it means to live self directive as the directive principle of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there will always be something here to direct me, to give my direction, to make decisions for me, instead of realizing that I must live/be/gift that to myself in realizing that only I can

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to give myself direction within myself, within my life, within my process, within my journey to life blogs because I have never, up to this point, allowed myself to live self directive, instead I have given away my power and control and authority to outside/separate sources from me here and thus became dependent on this outside/separate source from me here and thus fear now having to take back the reigns and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to walk this point as patience within/as me in realizing that it will take time and process of consistent and committed decision and application to 'get this point' as I am essentially teaching myself how to walk again, how to make decisions within/as myself as giving myself the directive power/principle in myself/as myself to walk, live, express and do that which is best for all as best for myself

When and as I see myself fearing/resisting writing my journey to life blogs as thoughts or back chats as the excuses I give to myself such as "I have nothing to write about", I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back into the self directive principle of/as myself to make the decision in no longer accepting direction from my mind as thoughts/beliefs/feelings/emotions/fear/ideas/resistances as I see/realize/understand that I am simply fearing/resisting taking responsibility for/as myself as the directive principle as living/giving to myself self direction and so I commit myself to no longer accepting something outside/separate from me here to direct me and instead direct myself, with support of/as my breathing, to move myself, write myself out, give myself the direction in which to follow as the self dis-covery process I am walking within the Journey to Life blogs and so I also commit myself to no longer fearing myself as the directive principle as I see/realize/understand that it is something I am learning how to live and so I commit myself to push myself to apply this point of self honest as self directive to no longer limit myself in 'needing' something outside/separate from me here to move me but instead move myself, direct myself, allow myself to support myself in expanding who I have accepted myself to be into that which is self directive, self motivated and self committed to the process of redefining/changing who I am as the acceptance and allowances of myself here.



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