12 November 2012

Day 90 - Resistances are Feelings Influencing Me

In the beginning of my process, as I would lay myself down for the night, I would always lay there, breathing, and apply self forgiveness. either on points I saw throughout my day or just thoughts that would arise in the moment. The experience within this was very cool. I have not done this since then, which has been almost 3 years. I created a resistance towards it where I have now accepted the 'feeling' of it as being 'unnatural'. What I realize within this is that I am allow feelings to direct me, and me not directing myself - which is absolutely what self forgiveness is. Taking direction within self to become self responsible in self honesty to see who self is and to take that self directive principle/will to no longer accept that which is clearly seen as not best for all/self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to applying self forgiveness out loud before I got to sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to what I apply now to what I applied in the beginning of my process and defining what I did 'before' as 'better' and thus judge myself within this comparison as no longer doing something 'good'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define applying self forgiveness out loud within the positive energy polarity as 'good' - and then exist within the opposite polarity as 'bad' and then within this create and participate in friction and conflict wtihin myself through comparing and judging myself as no longer doing something 'good'

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to define applying self forgiveness out loud as something unnatural based on feelings - instead of realizing it is the physical resistance I experience when I apply self forgiveness and within this tell myself, "this is not natural" - because I have believed that who I should be and what I should do in this world is defined by it being 'easy' - instead of realizing I am only allow energy and feelings to direct me - to keep me safe within what I am comfortable in, instead of realizing this is a limitation based on ideas in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define resistance to speaking self forgiveness out loud as a feeling TELLING ME, "no this is not right - I should not be doing this - it is not easy" - instead of realizing this is how I sabotage myself to stay the same - deliberately accept resistances as the guiding force within my life - instead of deciding for myself what I will or will not do and not allow energies and feelings based on ideas and self definitions direct me

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that resistance is the minds way of protecting itself and the ego fears to change - fears its own survival, and so as the program runs, telling me how to be in which situations around what kind of people, I jsut follow the rules and accept the script that has been written, instead of redesigning the program to be what is best for all - which is for me to live self forgiveness as it is taking responsibility for myself within giving myself the power to no longer depend on something outside and separate from me here and so within this I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to depend upon thoughts, feelings, emotions, energies of positivity and negativity - the program I have created as my mind, to direct and decide how I will act, what i will do, what I will not do and ultimate dictate me and my life

When and as I see myself resisting myself applying self forgiveness in any moment - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the realization that it's me as my minds attempt to stay the same, to not change, to not lose itself, protecting it's creation - and so I stop this dictation of the mind, I breathe within deciding to be self honest in taking responsibility for myself, and proceed applying each word out loud of the self forgiveness until I am satisfied

When and as I see myself being directed and influenced by my mind, as feelings and emotions and thoughts and resistances, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the realization that to follow the mind and all it's components, I am accepting myself as a slave with something having power over me and so I stop, I breath, I bring myself back here and direct myself within my own self will to be the power in which directs and guides me in deciding for myself what and how and who I will live/be in this world and always considering what is best for all in each moment I am able

When and as I see myself comparing myself and thus judging myself for who I was in the past and who I am now within the polarity of "good and/or bad" - I stop and I breathe, and I bring myself out of the past in my mind, and back to reality here with my body, realizing that to accept this is to create friction and conflict within myself and thus is not a practical solution to changing myself and so within this I push myself to see who I was and see of which parts I am able to use to support me with who I am now and who I am becoming in this journey to life. I stop all judgments and remain self honest in the moment to be able to then direct myself HERE - where I am now

I commit myself to giving myself back to myself within self forgiveness, speaking it out loud when I see it is appropriate

I commit myself to stop allowing resistance to self forgiveness direct me to not apply it

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself with self forgiveness

I commit myself to live self honesty with and as self forgiveness

I commit myself to realize that self forgiveness is the tool in which I am able to practically get to know myself

I commit myself to stop allowing feelings to direct me

I commit myself to stop giving the power of myself as the directive principle of myself away to my mind

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I find myself facing a resistance

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I find myself making decisions within my life based on feelings of being 'right or wrong'

I commit myself to walk the journey to life with daily writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application - to really get to know myself and find out why I resist applying such a supportive tools as self forgiveness, realizing that the only way to change something is to first see how it functions, why it functions and what purpose it is serving and thus I commit myself to investigating myself, myself as the program that runs on rules and scripts and guidelines that tell me where to go, what to think, how to react - I commit myself to rewriting the program of myself to create and be that which is best for all