29 March 2011

Day 5 - Anger for resistances

I don’t write. I don’t want to write at all. There is like anger for having to write.  Because I am tired. And I still have to do a blog for today. My experience is that of ‘stuborness’ like want to just say fuck it – I don’t have to.

I was working on some sra stuff and I had many resistances. I could not find any memories specifically to this one thing I was looking for. But also I noticed how I was having these thoughts of wanting to give up again and not wanting to be a part of the group desteni and wishing I could just ignore it and go back to my life. 

I find that when I’m resisting something – I become angry too, like I don’t want to fucking move myself. Like I don’t really want to change and I get angry when I’m forced to do that. Which is bullshit. Which is unacceptable – and I DO not accept this of myself.
I realize that the more I push myself to easier it becomes
But I see how I’ve created myself to be so complicated and unnecessarily annoying.
I just want to go to sleep. And I’m going to let myself because I just got back into town and I’m tired. Yet I realize in these moments I am still able to push myself to simply breathe and be here. That is support and that is self honesty.

I tend to want to be hard on myself for not writing as much, but I realize breathing is just as effective with the purification process. Yet I also see how I’ve used the breath as a way to not be self honesty in writing. I’ve even heard myself say this, “just breath, I don’t have to assit myself in any others way’ which I also know is bullshit and I do not accept this of myself.

So – keep it simple. Push through one thing at a time and deal with what is here in the moment as it arises. That is self honesty.