559: Good/Bad Foods and Why We Want a More Appealing Body
Today I was a bit more comfortable, not as focused on my body, but noticed I was more paying attention to what I was eating. Taking notes, and taking points essentially – where I was calculating what I was eating, whether it’s going to put weight on or help me lose it and based on what I ate today, I am prepared to gain rather than lose. I had carbs throughout the day, and to me, that is a no no in terms of losing weight.This type of thinking I can see is potential for creating an eating disorder. I mean I am basically existing within the nature of the pattern, where I am too concerned about my body, too concerned about what I eat, too concerned about the outcome the foods will have on my body shape and size. From my perspective, that is a starting point for an eating disorder.
I can say I would never let such a thing develop to such an extent where I would withhold food from myself, or throw it up after eating, but I cannot deny that the nature of thoughts I am currently existing within isn't far from what I'm sure many who do deal with an eating disorder also have. So - this must be dealt with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the foods I eat will put more weight on my body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the foods I eat won't help me lose weight
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within conflict towards food where I desire carbs but resist them at the same time in fear they will only make me gain weight
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into temptation for carbs and then go into blame and guilt and disappointment when I eat the carbs in thinking “I will only gain weight’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about only whether I will lose or gain weight when I eat foods instead of considering the sustenance I am receiving for my body to continue existing
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define food as being that which only adds weight to my body or helps remove it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make eating foods more than what it is through constantly thinking and obsessing about what I am eating and what effects it’s having on my body in terms of weight
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessive about what I eat and the weight of the body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose sight of the enjoyment of eating foods and the actual nourishment it provides my body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated in thinking it doesn’t matter what I do, I will only ever gain weight
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to the ideas about foods and what effects they have on my weight
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my weight to consume such a large part of my time and attention
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished within my body when I eat things I think are ‘bad’ and ‘full of carbs’ and will only put more weight on my body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see carbs as a bad thing and something that only equates to more weight on my body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear carbs
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist eating carbs
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist gaining weight
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely useless when it comes to ‘keeping a figure’ that I believe is more appealing – and in that, I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to ask myself who am I trying to appeal – who is my body actually for?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my body to be appealing to others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if others find my body appealing – they will love and appreciate me more
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I need others to love and appreciate me more instead of realizing I need to love and appreciate me more
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I have an appealing body to others, then I’m safe in this world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in such a way where I support these constructs of ‘what is beautiful’ and appealing and support this belief in others that woman must have a certain body type to be appreciated, loved, and accepted
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live an example of something that is not best for all by believing my worth as a human is placed in the shape of my body instead of who I am as a living, breathing, being in my thoughts, words, and deeds
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live an example that is best for all by living self-love and self-appreciation and full self-acceptance of who I am rather than what I look like.
When and as I see myself thinking about, and obsessing about what I'm eating and what it will create in terms of my body weight, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is the start of a dysfunctional relationship with foods, and my body and could, if continued to be allowed, create an eating disorder and so I commit myself to stop this nonsense here and get back to the common sense of why we eat in the first place, and why food matters, and why, no matter what the shape and size of body is, matters
When and as I see myself thinking about carbs and not wanting to eat them, and defining them as 'bad' and the cause of my weight gain, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that carbs are not the problem, and even what I eat is not the problem. I AM the problem in terms of WHO I AM in relation to what I eat - the problem exists within the nature of my thoughts as myself when deciding what to eat and how I feel about that. And so I commit myself to change the nature of my thoughts to no longer see foods as bad as the source for my weight gain and instead continue to investigate my relationship to foods and my body as the source of which my body and experience is shaped
When and as I see myself wanting a more appealing body type, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such a want is stemmed from a fear of not being loved or appreciated or accepted and I think I will get that from others IF I have an appealing body when in reality, I am looking for it because I am not living it FOR/AS myself and so I commit myself to living self-love, appreciation, and acceptance - by paying more attention to my breath, and my physical movements, and the daily interactions with others, and the smell in the air, and the sounds around me - paying attention to what matters, IN MATTER
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