Kristina's Journey to Life

Today I felt a very slight, and very subtle sickness throughout the body. Like a potential for a fever and for some sinus thing happening. I consider it being in relation the point I recently opened up through blogs in relation to my body and my stomach specifically. Today I was a bit more comfortable, not as focused on my body, but noticed I was more paying attention to what I was eating. Taking notes, and taking points essentially – where I was calculating what I was eating, whether it’s going to put weight on or help me lose it and based on what I ate today, I am prepared to gain rather than lose. I had carbs throughout the day, and to me, that is a no no in terms of losing weight. This type of thinking I can see is potential for creating an eating disorder. I mean I am basically existing within the nature of the pattern, where I am too concerned about my body, too concerned about what I eat, too concerned about the outcome the foods will have on my body shape and size. From ...

Today I felt uncomfortable in my body. Feeling like the stomach is a bit bigger than yesterday. Feeling more discouraged, frustrated, and angry. And in that, a wish for it to be different. And while I was well aware of what I've been looking at and realizing the last couple days, the overall sense of dissatisfaction was still present. And while I realize some things cannot possibly change in just a day or two, I was still a bit frustrated that I didn't notice any more stability within me in relation to this point. Last year about this time, I was working out for 2 months straight, almost every day at least an hour a day. I was determined to make a change to my body... but what happened? Nothing. There was absolutely no change in my body. lol - it's kind of funny actually because no matter what I did in terms of exercise, my body did not change. And so what does that tell me? It's not exercise. My lack or continuation of it is not affecting my weight . There is ano...

I am going to share a bit more here my relationship to my body, and more specifically, my stomach. When I was around 10 years old I stopped dancing, which I had been doing for 8 years already, and competitively for the last few of them. I remember being at home and thinking about how I 'must work out' now that I was stopping dance because, from my 10-year-old perspective, I was going to get fat. That's quite a consideration for a 10-year-old... thinking I must work out to 'keep my figure' and hopefully prevent myself from gaining weight. And my target area? My stomach. I then proceeded to put a towel down on the floor in my living room, wearing a short shirt and some shorts, and I began doing sit ups. I must have looked silly, as a friend of the family at the house snapped a picture of me doing this - which I'm sure is still around somewhere at my mother's place. So here I am at 10 years old, deciding that I would have to create my own work out reg...

Last night I had a dream I was pregnant. I was full term, but the belly seemed somewhat under developed. I actually enjoyed the experience and overall I was content within the dream in relation to being pregnant. Though at one point I lifted my shirt and noticed a bruising/wilted part of the belly, below my belly button. I immediately reacted with guilt and shame for my allowing such negligence that I would have created this. I was concerned for the baby, and the damage I had done. I thought that I did it from working as a server, constantly leaning over tables. I was so disappointed in myself. But then I read something from a doctor that said such a thing was expected, and I had medication even for the bruised area – like a cream to rub on it. I was so relieved. As I was telling my partner about this dream, he mentioned it was interesting that the bruising was around my stomach area – that that part of my body was seen as damaged, and neglected and within that, I felt shame and di...

There is one point I've been thinking about a lot recently - how intentions really get you nowhere. You can have all the pure, and good intentions in the world , better than anyone else on earth but those Intentions are USELESS if they do not lead to action. I'll give you an example. I have had in my calendar for more than a year for every Monday of every week to do a vlog. It's scheduled in there every single week. And the intention was to get myself creating this habit, to make it consistent, to walk through judgments and fears and to get to the REAL me as the expression of myself in a moment. To practice communication and face 'speaking in public, to get myself comfortable with simply expressing me. But I have not ONCE followed through on that intention. And so while I have created a nice image of what I would like to do and who I'd like to be, I have not actually lived it... and my actions define who I am, not my intentions. I forgive myself that I have ...

I started a new job just a couple of months ago, which changed up my home-life schedule quite a bit. I am no longer working evenings, or weekends, and work more hours in a day. I am very pleased about the change, but with that, I had to change myself. I have been a long- time fan of to-do lists and while for the past couple of years of working evenings, I had long days on my hands and I could regularly get to a lot of things in one day. That has since changed, yet I still tried to do everything in one day. It's simply impossible. And while I understand prioritizing, and doing what is practically possible, I for a bit was refusing to let go of this 'need to do it all'. Though what I create from this is a constant failure experience, because I can't practically get to everything... something gets left uncrossed on my to-do list, and usually, it's the same thing every day. Then when the days off come around, I just want to 'run free' and do other th...