534: Rock Bottom
I've had a few moments in my life wherein I would say I was at rock bottom. While I never created severe consequence externally, within myself I could see clearly I was out of control, and it was only a matter of time before my life would follow suit.First was when I was 17 - I had pretty much dropped out of high school, I was spending all my time with only two people, and we basically spent that time smoking weed, and getting drunk. There was one moment in the car, after a night of our usual behavior, where the alcohol and weed got to me, and I was laying in the back seat, spinning. In that moment I saw how out of control I was - meaning... I was not the one making the decisions in my life, I was following impulses, and addiction, and desire... which led me to being sick in the back of a car, contemplating my life and what I was busy creating. I was not satisfied.. I was tired of it. I was the lowest I had ever felt in my short life.
So in that moment, I saw the potential route for change, and decided there enough was enough. The next morning I told my mother I wanted to go counseling and treatment for my addiction. A month later I enrolled in a new school to finish my high school education.
The next time I experienced myself at rock bottom was when I was around 22 or 23. I had been in a relationship for a couple years with a guy, and in that relationship I experienced a lot of jealousy. A lot. Nasty really. One moment in particular I was leaving a bar/restaurant that I was at with him, and some of his friends, which happened to be girls. I had to head home early, and so he was staying there with his friends. As he was walking me to my car, I had this jealousy come up within me, and to follow was spite. I wanted to spite him, and blame him, for something he didn't actually do, but that I conjured up within my mind as what he could do once I left. I acted in ways in which I was not proud of... and I'm sure from his perspective he had no idea where I was coming from. But again, it was a place of no control.. I was completely consumed with emotions of insecurity, and jealousy, and spite that I acted out my experience automatically. While I was in a way in the background of myself seeing how nasty I was being, and how ridiculous and unnecessary I was behaving, it was as if I couldn't stop myself. Or I was never taught how to.
So again in this moment, I felt I had no control. I was completely controlled my energetic, emotional experience, and I lashed out. To me, this again was rock bottom. Something had to give - enough was enough. the experience of jealousy and insecurity was too overwhelming, and I despised not making better choices for myself. I was harming myself, and the relationship, and my partner. This experience, and I might add acceptance and allowance, drove me to act out in ways in which I became obsessive, and paranoid. I had thoughts that would drag me through emotional hell. I had no control over myself, or my actions, as I was totally being overridden by this experience. Another moment thus of where I experienced myself as rock bottom.
Yet within both these cases I can see the common experience for me as 'rock bottom' was me feeling as if I had no control, and based on what I was accepting and allowing as my thoughts, words, and deeds, I was creating destruction within myself, and within my life, and relationships. It's as if you are being told what to do, even though you see you are the one moving, and making decisions, and playing out the same pattern, knowing where it will lead you, despite that there is nothing you can do to stop it. That is rock bottom for me, and luckily I did not have to put myself through too many severe consequences yet was still enough for me to see, whoa girl.. who's in control here?
And then I found Desteni... and I started walking the Desteni Process... and I began to learn what are thoughts, and emotions, and feelings. I started understanding the difference between following impulses and being directive principle... I started learning what it means to look at one's starting point for any thought, word and deed... I learned about self-honesty, and self-forgiveness, and the absolute key for me, I learned about self-responsibility.
I no longer create rock bottom experiences for myself, but I can see based on who I was before Desteni, I would have re-created the same patterns before wherein I would find myself at 'rock bottom' - which is not in control of myself as my thoughts, words, and deeds. And as I went through the patterns, I would have eventually created more severe consequences, but fortunately Desteni intervened and I realized how much power I do actually have. And that if I want to change, I must be the change. And that there is no one going to save me... that I have the ability and control within myself to become self-aware, and self-directive...
Rock bottom as having no control is basically what each person has become as their Minds, just to varying degrees. Each time we follow a thought, or emotion, or feeling, or desire, or fear, or addiction, or want, or whatever we end up chasing or hiding from... we are not in control. We are giving up our directive control for something within the mind. An idea, a feeling, an experience, a reward. Whatever it is. Humanity is living out 'rock bottom' - each individually, and collectively because each has abdicated their self-responsibility to who they are in every... single... moment. It's only a matter of time before we create more and more consequences for us to see more and more clearly what we are creating within who we are, and how that impacts our world; individually and collectively.
Don't wait for rock bottom... investigate Desteni.
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