Kristina's Journey to Life

At the moment I've been noticing a particular pattern/ behavior of mine flare up in a way - where I'm participating in it more and more. In the past it would then trigger judgments, and frustration because what the heck - I'm allowing this behavior when I'm in fact supposed to be changing it. Though I've seen this before.. where you are in a way working with a particular point to change, then it all of a sudden seems like you no longer have control over it, and the behavior/pattern has a mind of it's own... this has happened when I've been actually directly working on such a point with the use of Mind Constructs in the Desteni I Proccess . Mind Constructs are a specific tool which allows one to dig deep into the roots of certain behaviors... sourcing the memories of our life where we have through time created and substantiate the behaviors/patterns that are now playing out in our life. I have been working on this particular behavior that I've not...

The other day I again found myself at the grocery store. This time, as I was walking around - the point I have been writing about the last few days wasn't at all in my awareness . I didn't even think about it until I leaned in to grab something that a couple people were standing in front of, and as one of them turned toward me, she said "whoa, Jesus." lol - I took this as perhaps meaning she was surprised, and didn't expect me there. And perhaps I could have given it a moment before I leaned in to grab my item. I didn't think about it until after that moment, and considered - did I move too fast? Could I have given them a moment? I can see simply by the fact that I was unaware of the point I have been making for myself recently - in terms of becoming more aware of my movements and walking speed, to be more deliberate and specific when I'm out in public with how I'm moving, I could have given it a moment. I rushed in there to get my item, not al...

Here I'm continuing with the point from yesterday's blog - in not considering others, or things in my environment when I'm moving/walking too fast, and so often bumping into people, or things and so making a point to become humble when walking. And so the self-forgiveness: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speed while walking, and to within this - not slow down enough to consider others I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push through crowds of people, and to take the lead when walking fast, not caring about who I bump into, or who I cut off I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to slow down and consider others - taking a step back, and allowing others to go first I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so automated in my walking fast that I do not even notice others around me that might perhaps actually need to move before me, but instead I just take the lead to g...

The other day I was walking in the grocery store picking up just a few things. I was on my way to work after, but with plenty of time to pick up the few things I needed. There was no rush. However, the way I was walking you would think it was 80 degrees outside and I had a dog in the car. At one point, I went down an isle with a woman who had a cart with her, and was coming toward me, and I going toward her, and there in the middle of us were two workers stocking the shelf. The isle became narrow, and I just plowed my way through - apologizing and excusing myself while I sped past her. In that moment I realized whoa - here you go... you are walking WAY too fast. You have plenty of time, and look how you just forced yourself through people without stopping. I stopped in my tracks in that moment. I took a breath, and I saw here was the perfect moment to slow down and consider my speed. I walked slowly to the cash register... reflecting how part of the pattern of my speedy walking...

Following up from yesterday's blog , I was talking about this point of walking, and how I've come to walk quite fast in my life . I can see this has been developed through the type of work I do, yet it had spilled over into my every day life , when I'm simply out and about walking around - I am speeding. So I can see that walking fast has a purpose in a specific context, but I am interested in seeing who I am as slowing down within my walking. As I mentioned, I will share my findings and experiences as I apply it, for now though, self-forgiveness on the lack of questioning and self-direction when walking: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a fast walk without awareness - without ever questioning it but simply allowing a habit to take over apparently without my directive decision I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down when walking when there is no purpose to walk fast, except to automatically live out habits fr...

Today I was reading a group discussion in relation to stress. One of the points brought up was regarding the experience of rushing/fastness when one is stressed. That then brought up the point of the speed in which one walks. I have for a long time been a fast walker. Generally I must slow down with certain people. Within me there is this 'I'm already steps ahead of you', and I have to literally hold myself back. I have often dubbed this up to being in the service industry most of my adult life and so simply through needing to move fast while at work, this spilled over into my every day life when I'm walking. I have never really taken any time to look at this point though, so that is why I wanted to write a blog about it - to bring some awareness to myself as I walk, and to see if I can deliberately slow myself down. Within that, I can investigate the experience of slowing down - if there are any thoughts/reactions to slowing down. And in that, can forgive any p...

Today when my partner came home from work, he had a lot to say about his day. I was actually ready to do something else, and as he began talking, I became annoyed. I felt stuck, and forced to listen to him. To me - this is like not being flexible in reality - as things come up, allow yourself to embrace it. Rather I was stuck in the want to continue with my day's schedule, not wanting to stop in that moment, and be here with him, but to rather keep moving. So I was annoyed, but let him continue talking. I was not in a position to support, as he was talking about a decision he had to make with work, and the various dimensions he sees within each potential route, but I was just wanting to move on and continue on with what I was doing. So I was distracted, and not allowing myself to fully hear because I was not HERE - I was in my mind within an energetic experience . This is not fair - and not being open to 'what is here'. I was rather remaining rigid and stubborn in...

One of the dimensions I could see from the previous blog - in relation to not speaking more direct with others - is a fear of someone reacting negatively to me if I were to speak direct about what I see, and the programming in which most are enslaved as the idea that we must sugar coat things. That we cannot possibly say something that might cause someone to feel anything other than satisfied and right within who they are... that we must protect each other's ego. At least for me I can see this has been an acceptance within myself, my family, and my friends. We sugar coat things, say things to make someone feel better, we never push each other for self-honesty , and self-responsibility - even if that means we start to see the reality of ourselves and pop the bubble of delusion so many of us exist within wherein we are always right, the victim, and someone else is to blame. I realize that it's more important to stand and express what is best for all (myself included), then...

Within me there is a point of frustration projected toward some people in my reality. They often complain about other's in our reality, in a way of reactions and without any real solution. They just complain to complain and validate their position of being right, and the others being wrong. My frustration is when I see another way - that complaining is not in fact constructive, and does nothing to change anything. It only fuels our idea that we are justified in our experience. I have suggested to those that come to me complaining to take their words to those they are speaking about... to suggest to them another way, or show them how they can change the situation, and so not remain within the frustration experience. Though it is often laid upon deaf ears and here is where my frustration comes in. They are not willing to hear solutions. They don't actually want to change anything. They just want to complain to anyone who will give them the space to regurgitate what...

The other day I had a dream about someone from my past. In the dream, I eagerly went to them to say hello, and see how they have been. I attempted to relate to them by telling them about myself... but what I got from them was nothing. No interest at all - and the way I 'picked up' on the situation it was as if she was not impressed by me. Recently I decided to take more seriously my dreams and my relationships throughout life as a point of self-expansion in getting to know ME... and here is a great example of the very gift of dreams, and relationships. Instead of seeing this girl as someone else within the dream, I instead stand as her. And what I was seeing within her was this point of not being impressed by me... disinterested, and almost like I was wasting her time. So now I have a look... have I done this to others before? Does this point exist within me? I can in fact see it does... many times I've come to judge people oh so fast, and within me the experience ...