Kristina's Journey to Life

Recently I've been looking at the point of direction. I have no clear cut, obvious , in your face 'point' as far as what I can direct myself towards. Never any 'gifts' or interests specifically, nothing I'm drawn to, or that I find motivation to get involved with. I never really had 'a point' in life, and in a way, I've allowed that to be an excuse for myself to not give myself direction. Because without a specific point that clearly waves the flag of 'come hither... come to me, learn this, do this, embrace and be involved in this' I've rather allowed myself to be consumed by distractions. Whether that be work, movies, tv series, life dramas like gossip and things that don't really matter or nurture any real potential of the life within. In the absence of direction, I've given myself distractions. So it's been an excuse... for a very long time I can see the theme song playing in my head, "I have no point, I have no p...

Listening to the latest reptilian recording on Eqafe, "Where are you?"  the question was asked, 'where am I?' The response I had was in the context of myself, like inside myself, my body, my mind. In the interview, it was mentioned that if the response was in the context of where you are physically, like your environment, it's a pretty cool reference for yourself in terms of your awareness being focused in the physical reality. That was not my response, so there was a slight reaction to that. Though briefly before that, there was hope and anticipation that they would mention something about how I responded and that it would be "better than the first response." So this is a point I've noticed some up a few times in the past week. I've started two new jobs, and I noticed there were comparisons I was making between myself and those training me - both seeing myself as better at the job than my trainers, as well as management noticing this too ...

This is a continuation from the previous blog - here writing out and committing to how I can and will change in a moment in relation to reacting to another's reaction towards me, and the pattern of 'same old, same old.' When and as I see myself wanting to automatically react to another when they react to me, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my ‘wanting to react’ is just a reaction , and that it’s my responsibility to stop, as well as taking responsibility for reacting in the first place, as the trigger that caused another to react in the first place. I commit myself to take responsibility for myself when a reaction to another's reaction occurs by breathing and not participating/going into the reaction When and as I see myself projecting images of past moments of conflict with another within my mind as a point of ‘here we go again’, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that it doesn’t have to be a ‘here we go again’, a...

Today a moment came up that has come up many times. One reaction in one person leads to a reaction in another person, which triggers another reaction in the first person... and so on, and so forth until eventually, the two stubborn parties finally take responsibility for themselves and peace is once again restored. Here realizing I will have to be the one to stop first, and change first, as the principle of self-responsibility, change, and what is best for all. Forgiveness followed on the point: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to another's reaction towards me - seeing another become angry, upset, or frustrated by me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to automatically go into a reaction towards another just because they went into a reaction towards me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet stop and consider the responsibility I had initially when I accepted and allowed myself to ex...

Today I realized, or more so finally admitted to myself, that my previous stability the last few years was completely dependent upon my environment and the routine I had set up for myself. Before I moved to Canada – I was pretty sure of myself in terms of my process – what I was doing , where I was going, and overall, the experience of myself. I was certain I could trust myself and that I would do whatever was necessary to be done to support myself within my process (that which I face within my life). Though since moving to a new country, a new environment, starting a new job and overall completely uprooting myself from ‘what I know’, I have felt a collapse within myself, like I have completely failed. This is due to the experience of myself being all over the place. I have faced so many new points, and faced myself essentially in new situations, and I was not prepared to the extent I thought I was. It’s been more than 6 months and I can finally say that the stability I had cre...

“I know, I know...” This statement is something I’ve said in my life recently. In a way it’s always been a part of my life. You can see it as that point within you of seeing, knowing, and understanding that perhaps there is something you want to change , that you could change, that you are not in fact living your utmost potential, that you are in fact not giving it your all, that you are in fact not directing yourself as effectively as you could, and yet…. despite You knowing it, you just don’t do anything about it. So it’s that point of ‘knowledge is useless without application.’ At least for me I can see this is how I have and am currently living this statement, “I know, I know…” Like don’t remind me, I already know what I’m not doing, I already know what I could be doing, I already know I’ve giving up on myself, I already know I’m not changing , I already know I’m not living the best version of me… I already know I’ve believed I just can’t do it. So the “I know, I know” i...

Have you ever had that experience where you wanted to be upset with someone? Where you wanted to actually fight with them? I can see for myself in moments of conflict with another, often times I can see it’s a conflict I am perpetuating. Meaning – I am the one who is feeding the conflict within me with my thoughts, I am not letting it go, I am not being forgiving, I am standing my ground in a self-righteousness of blame and revenge. Which is strange, isn’t it? Why would we want to be in conflict with another? Do we like to fight? Do we like to create chaos ? I do see the relationship between who I am within conflict with others, and the existential reality of war. Why do wars exist? Because I can see within my own nature, war exists, and as within so without – equal and one. So I realize that it is my responsibility, as an individual within the whole, that I must stop the inner wars to begin stopping the outer war. I mean we must all do that, which is how wars will cease to ...

The following is self-corrective and commitment statements made in relation to the previous blog. The point of this is to decide who I am the next time a moment comes up where I use my past against me, or where I'm using positive energy to direct me - to decide for ME what it means to be/live/ express success. When and as I see myself expecting things to just move, magically, and in an instant, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that this expectation exist within a definition I’ve given to the word success, and that it does not in fact work that way in physical reality. I commit myself to practice daily application as consistency, discipline, and self-movement that will accumulate a habit, or change, or skill that will support in living the word success in my life . When and as I see myself existing within hope, as in hoping my life is successful, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that hope has no basis in reality as it takes actual physi...

Continuing with opening the word Success - how I've defined it and lived it throughout my life . I have a memory in my life, in my early twenties, where I become quite obsessed with the idea of making money. I was full of desire, and wanted an escape from my life, and I thought if I invested a lot of money in this specific course, I would be able to do just that. I spent one weekend at a seminar, and over $1000 on material, and a few weeks to follow of research for something that did not play out as I expected. The desire to succeed, which was really the desire for more money/financial freedom was the motivation, though I did not at that stage understand what it actually takes to create something – I simply just wanted results NOW. After not getting what I was expecting, thinking if I just threw enough money, and had certain material, things would just work out for me – though of course that is now how it works, and I simply gave up. The energy as the desire depleted and I...

Success I’ve never had a relationship to this word. Or well, perhaps I have, the it’s been of one of separation. What do I mean by separation? Success was never a word I could relate to, or one that I ever thought I lived. It seemed so far off – away from who and what and how I am – as if to exist in some other part of reality that I was not a part of. And now I find myself venturing into a new direction for work and this is a point emerging that exists in conflict. The work/business is that to produce success – not just for myself, but for others as well, yet how can I possibly do that if I’ve never been able to even relate to the word? So I will here sort out how I’ve defined the word and define it new for myself, one that I can relate to and one that I can practically live, and thus support others to live as well. Though, let’s go back to the beginning. As I’ve mentioned, I’ve never been able to relate to the word success, it just didn’t exist in my reality – it was no...

Karma. First thing I saw when looking at this word was ‘a mark’. So when you move the letters around, there exists ‘a mark’. And that is also essentially how one can look at the word and it’s definition. Karma is the mark you leave within this world – it’s the wake you leave behind wherever you go. It is how you influence the world around you, it is the mark you leave. Now growing up, I always saw or defined the word karma as something you get back to you – whether you are good or bad, whatever happens to you, is your karma. It’s like the mark you leave in this world comes right back at you. Another way I’ve heard it said is, ‘what comes around, goes around’. And now what's interesting about this is how, growing up, this word was always placed in the context of spite. Like ‘they will get what’s coming to them” or “karma’s a bitch”. Lol – always based within a reaction towards someone. Like if you disliked how a person behaved, or you felt personally attacked by someone, o...