Kristina's Journey to Life

You are a tiger, sitting on a concrete ground. You are larger than anything else around you. You see things in the distance you would like to get to, to move towards. You have the feet to walk yourself towards it and the sight to see where to go and how to get there. You slowly stand up, one foot at a time, facing the direction of the destination before you. Your feet are firmly planted on the ground and you see how easily you can bring yourself to where you would like to be. You start walking, one foot in front of another. Step after step, you get closer to what you are walking towards. You start moving faster, with momentum, with eagerness, with determination, to get to where you are going. You start to really push yourself in the direction to get what it is you see and just as fast as you are moving, you hear a metal crack behind you and you feel a tight, restrictive pressure around your neck. You are halted, you are stopped. You cannot go any farther. The force in which you were ...

One of the points that I see allowing distractions has caused as consequence in a specific area of my life is with school. When I started school – I went into this ‘perfect student’ character, wanting to be perfect within school attendance and grades. Because this was more based on self interest and thus seeking a self definition – this did not stand stable, because after a few semesters, the energy of the character ran out and I began to care less, give in more and move into a point of ‘let’s just get this over with’. I see where my starting point could have been realigned, and in this writing I am in a way doing just that. Yet it comes with me entering into one of the final semesters of this current stage of my education. So specifically – what I can see is a ‘problem’ that I would like to take responsibility for and thus correct or give myself solutions to is skipping school. In high school I skipped school quite a lot and was surprised when after so many missing days, ...

Here I'm closing the distraction point because to continue writing about distractions and what I use to distract myself is not necessarily living the correction and as such, realizing the actual problem. I mean the solution is within the problem and the problem that cause one to seek out a distraction is the unwillingness to become self honest and face what one accepts and allows. I have used distractions for a multitude of purposes, yet the one point that remain is the unwillingness to stop and change . To actually move myself through any/all energetic reactions or experience that trigger within me, to actually take self responsibility and face what is going on - a distraction is a lacking of self awareness and self willingness to get to know self for real. I mean, the moment I give myself the apparent choice to choose a distraction, I am absolutely implying that I don't care to know why I am running away from myself, why I want to hide out from myself, why I am not w...

Naps, Facebook, sex, relationships, movies, entertainment, drugs, the mind - various ways we use things to distract ourselves from what is actually going on within ourselves and so our world. When I look more at this point of distractions and what I use to distract myself - it's like I've been missing the actual point that is here, which is WHY I am distracting myself. The act of distrACTion is to not have to face what is really going on with self, to not really have to deal with or sort out what's going on within ourselves or our reality. It's a way to not have to do anything, to avoid and resist and basically ignore. I am in the mode of wanting to distract myself and distracting in itself is like a resistance, It's like I do not want to have to face how I am actually experiencing myself, what specifically I am having reactions to or what is the trigger point that activated this experience of myself because in the end , it's like there is not 'want...

Continuing with the Napping Distractions and some words to support myself to correct/change the pattern and relationship I've created towards it I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship towards sleeping/napping that is a point of distraction within my life I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use napping within a starting point of self interest and not as physical support as rest for my physical body when/as it's required I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use sleeping/napping as a way in which to avoid, hide out, run away and essentially, not take responsibility for myself in this Life and in this World and simply, each of my days I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use sleeping/napping as a point of distraction from not becoming self directive in all things in my life I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define sleeping as...

Another point in my life where I've created this distraction-relationship towards is sleeping and specifically naps. I did some blogs about this point a few months ago as something I was going to give myself direction with and well basically, I stopped giving direction to it within blogs and instead 'tried' to simply correct the point - meaning - changing the pattern of how I would use naps or go into napping. That did not necessarily work as I see it's still used as a point of distraction. It's like if I find I have some time to get things done or 'feel' as if I have some 'extra time', I will want to take a nap. Yet this has caused some internal conflict because in a way, I see there is so many other things I could be doing with my time instead of just sleeping. I mean there is nothing wrong with naps, they can be supportive for the physical when it's required, yet my relationship towards napping is definitely a point of distraction as i...

Distractions. That is a point I'm continuing with and going to look at the various ways I've distracted myself as a way to not face myself, to not be here but to simply entertain myself, constantly looking for a form of reward. The reward is usually as positive energy, feeling, experiences, ect - but it's not just a looking for this - it is an attempt to hide from something, to avoid something, to postpone something, to run away from something. Simply put it is an act of fear, fear of facing self and the responsibility I have in this World - of who I am and what I have created and so, what I accept and allow. So first distraction I see I use within my life for this point of deliberate avoidance/escapism is obviously - the mind. The Mind as memories and fantasies and images and desires and future projections. It could be a wish of some potential outcome to play out or a past conversation I've had with someone. Usually when I'm allowing such a point of distract...

I would like to open up a new point here and a new opportunity for myself to let go of the many distractions I've allowed within myself and thus in my process of actually getting real. A point I saw today as I was coming home from the store and walking into the house and through the living room and into the dining room, was this point of self responsibility and self awareness and how in each moment we have this amazingly great opportunity to really become intimate with ourselves and our environment/physical reality - but how so often we allow something to distract us from what is actually here and thus who we are within and as what is actually Here. I have come to see this point previously in my process - this point of self responsibility within every moment I have as each breath and what I specifically do within/as each of the moments - how do I shut the front door, do I leave things as I found them - do I deliberately and specifically move myself in actually directing what I...

I'm going to continue here from a few blogs ago, specifically - Day 281: Seeing More of "Me" through MEmories - and the first memory I brought up in this blog. It was of a girl I was in dance class with. Her name was Tiffany and she was liked by everyone in our class, including me. I felt inferior to her and so how within myself, I defined her according to specific things about her. Such as her smile - she had such a big smile with such white teeth and to me that was beautiful. She looked just like her mom and I remember thinking, "they are so lucky." Her family were wealthy, or at least I remember feeling like I had less money then her family and so within this defined myself as inferior to her. She was a specific point in my reality at that age that I used as a point of comparing myself to - defining myself as inferior to her based on physical attributes, her family and how everyone seemed to like her. It's almost as if because it seemed everyone like...

Earlier Today: Today I am on the Dr. Oz show and since I’ve been home from the taping – as the date approaches closer and closer I was having resistance and fear of it. The resistance was not wanting to see myself – fear of presenting myself in a way that I did not specifically want – being a part of this discussion that has so many missing elements. While I was at the studio, in my dressing room, I was handed a ‘script’ from which to see how my segment would go. It was about two questions taken from a 30 min interview I had on the phone with the producer a few days before. So I knew what questions were going to be asked. I looked it over – there were words written in place as my response, but I was told I did not have to follow the words exactly – it was what I wanted to say/share and so it was more for the doc, as to have an idea of what to expect from my response. I looked it over, but did not really give myself the time to consider what would be best for me to say – I did n...