Kristina's Journey to Life

Day 21 - and as I say, "It's my day 21 - I can't believe I made it" - just goes to show how much I never really trusted myself or pushed myself to do what I say I will do - or believe in myself enough to know I can - I am able - and I can will myself. The Mind - as it exists - only judges. Observes and places it's opinion. Always has a 'back chat' - I thought or idea or picture or association for anything and all things within it's Reality. As I saw myself today, in constant judgment of myself and others. I breathe yes, to stop myself, yet, why are they even here? Why have I created this of myself? Because I have believed this voice in my head to be real - to be who I am - then am I not responsible for what those thoughts are specifically - what they consist of and how they are directed. This is Standing Equal and One as the Mind. Taking Responsibility for what exists within me - because here is where Self takes back the Power to actually change Se...

The moment I allow myself to write down what it is my mind is ‘racing’ about – and going over and over again – I experience release – and relief.  It’s like the moment goes from tense and almost a sense of ‘too much’   - to emptiness. Writing, self honestly – what one is experiencing – is allowing self to let go. It’s a way of freeing self from what self carrys as extra weight. It’s a way to see self – self intimacy. Writing allows me to get out what I believe is too much for me to handle. Writing is me pushing myself to change me. Writing is knowing that if I allow myself to see myself as the words that I write – then I am able to change myself. Writing is taking back power.                        Writing is being here. Writing is directing self to become clear. Write yourself out – Writing yourself to freedom. I mean – it’s specific in the words. There is much fr...

Day 19 Today.. was a day. Supression day. I wanted to smoke - and the thought kept coming up. I kept telling myself, just one, I will enjoy it - yet I have 'told' myself this before - and it always turns out the same. It does NOT taste good - and I end up 'wishing' I wouldn't let my thoughts direct me. And the thought kept coming up - and as much as I 'wanted' it give in - I didn't. I say no. Which is cool - but then, I ended up going home between work - and sleeping. Then eating - but not as a point of physical support - it was to 'fill me up'. Obviously I can see that whatever I wanted to suppress with the smoking - I instead used sleeping and eating to do instead. And what is here - why did I allow this - what am I not wanting to face? Well, I can see there was some things I needed to take care of today - things on the 'to do' list. BUt I don't think this is what I was not wanting to face. Simple responsibilities. Dea...

Day 18 Just when you 'think' its the most difficult point... Just when you 'think' it's too much... Just when you 'think' you've had enough... Just when you 'think' it's over... Just' when you you believe something about the situation/the person/the reality - You discover, you were wrong. And that you were making it all up in your head. And you Realize... it's the 'breaking point' - the point we want to give up - is where We find the clarity - the freedom - the communication - the truth. Here is where we see for Real. So don't give up. Another point; Just because I am not deliberately doing something - the inaction says it all. "I forgot" is no longer a valid excuse - as I am not even aware of how I am deliberately deceiving myself. Not intentionally putting things off - yet when I look closer, all I see is fear around these points. Another way to hide from myself. Which I no longer accept. ...

Day 17 The Challenge - Facing Self  and taking Responsibility for what you see. THis seeing is given by you or another. Yet the truth is before you. Accepting what you see as the truth of Yourself- this is the most difficult. Yet to take the response ability - is setting yourself free. It is taken the power. But wow - is it hard. What I have to face about myself = the truth of myself - I don't know how to communicate. I only know how to defend myself. My point - in fear of being 'wrong'. As a way to protect myself. My wall built high. It's not 'him' or 'they' or 'her'. IT'S ME. The agreement I am walking - is thus far the most challenging experience. Because it forces me to See myself for Real - as what I allow to exist within myself - who I am in my interactions with him - the games I play, the manipulations I maneuver - sounds like maneur - it's the shit I accept. A load a crap I carry - all to not face myself, as what ...

Day 16 Money as it exists - support abuse and inequality. And as the human fears it - it only validates money's power and control within this World. Yet what if the Human were to change this. Into something of Support. When the Human creates money as a Support for life - as it provides food, shelter, water, clothes. It provides Life to those that have it. Why not give this to All. Instead of allowing it to abuse, through our acceptance of a System that feeds the few and fucks the rest. This System of Money is Unacceptable. Our Relationship to Money is unacceptable. As I was applying Self Forgiveness for my Relationship to Money - I saw just how much power I gave it to run my life. And how much I allowed it to Direct me in my direct fear of it. Instead of seeing it as a means to support. Me. As Life. It isn't Money that is the Problem. It is the Human - that defines Money as such. Time to Redefine it very existence to that of Support for ALL Life. Sim...

Day 15 Seeing how back chat/secret Mind can assist Self. See it and Stop it immediately! My back chat has been in an uprising lately - and it's specifically thoughts of expectation from others and when I don't get what I 'want' - it fires up with all these judgments and justifications for why I experience myself the way that I do. Hiding my responsibility to stop it myself. I see how easy it is to exist in the Mind - because this is how we've always existed - and the changing to becoming the breath is 'more difficult' - yet not impossible. It's the 'comfortability' of how things have 'always been' as the accepted 'way it is'. Yet, I wont give up on myself. Because I have shown myself in the past that I am able to stop and breath and no longer participate in this back chat. I simply stop. Because if I don't - I know what happens - my experience of myself, with myself and my environment and others within my environment...

Day 14 Thinking is separation - separation from what is Here as the phsycial Reality -where we are in fact and that which matters. As I was washing a french press that I have at my mom's place - it reminded me of when I was on the Desteni Farm - where I first used a french press. I was in my mind within this memory, the different experiences I had with the french press and how I broke at least 1, very possible 2 of them while I was there. And while I was thinking about this - within the Reality that is Here - that Reality I was separating myself from being within the memory, existing only for me, I broke the french press I was washing. Interesting - because as I was separating from the Physical Reality, existing in the Imaginary Reality - I ended up breaking/ruining what it is I was actually participating with. Just a small example and reminder for me of what it means to be within and As the Mind - it completely disregards what is Real - what is actually Here - and a...

my partner had a talk – specifically because the night before we got into a argument about me saying to him that his experience wasn’t ‘real’ because he used the words think, believe and feel. I   know these words are specific – yet he did not like me ‘invalidating him’. He says he sees nothing wrong with thoughts feelings or beliefs/emotions being a part of the human experience – yet everything desteni has shared says otherwise. And I realize it’s not about what ‘they tell me is true’ the truth needs to come from me in self honesty. Yet – I’ve proven to myself that these things are not real – because I have stopped my participation. Perhaps this is what I need to realize. That if I was living these principles and being the example, or perhaps walking through these points as self will – then I would be able to share my experience myself. Then it would not be knowledge and information – it would be lived as me, proving that these things are in fact the delusion and the deception. ...

Day 12 How about a little self Honesty. It's cool that I've 'made it' to day 12 - yet I don't 'feel' any different. Perhaps I was expecting this writing Process to 'be something more' or create some kind of change within me - yet how can something 'change me', if it's not be doing it myself. This writing process is simply a support system - A way that I support myself. It is a tool. It is not something outside of me that creates something 'for me'. It is what I make it. So what am I making it? Something that I place my faith into in trusting that it will create something for me? No - it should be me Writing as a point of Self Direction. Self Movement, me making the decision of what this Writing Process is for Me. Kind of like being in charge. This is what it's about. To move myself within myself to direct my world - my actions, instead of it being something that directs me, or causing me to have an experience. It...

Day 11 So interesting to see today. Slowing myself as breath - being able to see who I am in each moment. What I found today, just a few moments ago actually - was this 'desire' to make a big deal out of something - more specifically I was attempting to 'make a point' within my agreement. It was like I was 'wanting' to or pretending or attempting to create a point within my partner - and then try and discuss this point with him - as if I was concerned. Yet actually - what I was doing was attemtping to exist witihin limitation and pettyness and jealousy and insecurities - but through breathing and being here - I, in self honesty, just couldn't. It wasn't a big deal - Hmm.. more specifically, the experience was like I wanted to replay who I've been in the past - seeing the potential to create a situation/drama, because this is what I usually do in the past, become annoyed within my relationship, and wanting to blame the other person for making me...

So today was cool - I was able to spend some more time I have been online - watching vids and working in DIP lessons. Mostly reading. And I have been able to slow myself down with breathing - and direct myself in moments of 'getting things done'. Specifically within the internet point - wanting to watch certain vids and rate them as well, support those that are 'putting themselves out there', catching up on going through my emails. Basically allowing myself to do what needed to be done. Also, was able to push myself to complete a lesson within Basic Mind Components - as there is a sense of fullfillment - in that I have completed that which needed to be completed, so I am satisfied with myself. There is no sence of  stress, as when I am not directing myself effetively to 'keep up', and simply direct myself through the point. I see how easily I allow myself to get distracted, like on facebook and with other things, aimlessly wondering the web, this is when I b...

Talking with my mom today about certain actions of another family member - I saw myself become angry and disgusted. I was annoyed and agitated because of this persons actions and those of other family members that continue to support her in certain actions she takes. Yet what I realize is that - I have not control over who she is or what she does. Obviously - the power I hold is within myself to ensure who I am and what I do with myself. Yet I also realize that she is reflecting back to me things within myself that I havent yet taken responsibility for. Perhaps certain actions I am still holding against myself and have not fully allowed mysefl to forgive and let go. Still - the point is simple. The Change I have is within me - and to concern myself with another's way of living and choices in actions is attempting to only avoid taking responsibility for me and also honesty a waste of energy. Because again, I am only in control of myself, who I am, what I do, and all I am able to...

Have I changed? And is this Change Real? Certainly a lot of my actions has changed. What I participate within and 'who I am'. Yet - to the degree that matters? The biggest point I can see lately is 'losing focus' on breath. It is not within my awareness - it is not an action I am actively participating within. So what does this tell me? That I am in my head - existing separately from what is Actually Here - the Physical - and allowing myself to be 'lost' within the Mind - lost in Self INterest. Because what are we actually doing while we are 'thinking machines'? We are only considering ourselves - and our Lives and the dramas that we create within our Reality. We don't consider this Greater Reality we All Share - our Mother Earth that provides us ALL Equally what the basic of our needs require. Thinking = Self Interest, as it beLIEves what matters in the individual. And the individuals world, and the individuals friends, and the individuals F...

Day 7 "Snap out of It" Why would it be ok to have thoughts? Why do we defend ourselves as 'thinkers'? Why would we accept a 'secret world' within ourselves - as the Mind - when this World we all Share is in the shape it is. How can we consider it 'ok' to talk to ourselves within our MInds? Why havent we questioned what this means? How can we just accept 'our nature' the way it is - with out considering maybe 'who we are' currently is the actual cause of Why the World 'is the way it is'. Memories = Entertainment - as all Thoughts and pictures in the Mind are forms of Entertainment - Distracting us from what is Real - from what MATTERS. WAKE UP - We are the Reason this World IS - therefore TIME TO STOP. Stop the Separation within ourselves to Stop the Separation within this World.

Day 6 And in Self Honesty - I don't want to be 'here', 'writing'. Ok, that's not Self Honesty really either - yet it has been a long day and I'm ready to go home and go to bed. Yet - I had not completed this responsibility - so here I am. There is hardly any resistances anymore to this - writing the blog everyday. There is some 'flare up' in back chat when I make the decision to go and write - yet for the most part, it's just a decision then an act. Yet tonight, specifically - again I was in my head about, "not having anything to write about' - and I guess to be more specific, or seeing it a bit more clearly - I tend to give myself these justifucations and excuses when I am not applying myself within my application effectively throughout my day. For instances, today I was not breathing much. I was just 'moving along' throughout my day, not really slowing myself down to breathe and be here with myself in self honesty. In...

Day 5 I had an ah ha moment today! As I was walking to work - there were many people walking around me. For every person there was - there was a judgment/opinion I had about them in the form of back chat (that voice in the Mind we beleive we are) - I had something to say secretly within my Mind about every person I saw. I had never seen this so clearly. Yes - I have seen myself form judgments and opinions within my MInd about others within my enviroment - but for some reason today it was so much more obvious. It was constant - and I was somewhat ashamed of myself for what I was seeing within myself. And what I realized - one of my biggest fears I have noticed - is fear that others will Judge me - Fear of Judgment. HELLO! I do what I fear others will do - this is where the FEAR COMES FROM! As we are the Origin - Cause - Source - that which WE allow - WE Participate - it's ALWAYS ONLY US. So what I'm doing to others is what I fear others will do to me - when i...

Day 4 Establishing internet at my new place is slowly but surely moving along. Next week someone should be coming by to put it in. What I'm finding is that when I'm not 'attentive' to the internet point - specifically with what I do online - things tend to accumulate in a way that becomes overwhelming for me and I am then spending my time going through all that has built up - taking up more time on that then on doing other things that also need my attention. It's important to deal with things in the moment - as they arise - or else Self tends to find Self in a position of playing catch up. Also, I am also playing catch up on the videos that have been placed and there is a sense of being 'out of the loop' - as I am at least a week or 2 behind. Yet, I realize this is unnessarry because Self is always Here - and if I am applying myself in the moment, breathing, writing, being Self Honesty, then there is nothing to 'be behind' in. Because I'm...

Day 3 So interesting point came up tonight with me and my partner. We both were experience a 'weirdness' between us - as one could call resistance. Something seemed to be 'off' and our interaction with eachother was not as it usually is when 'all is well'. Yet - either was in a position to talk about it. We both gave in to our 'feelings' and the ideas we were having about the other, and failed to realize that perhaps communicating about this would solve the problem. So we pushed to talk after we couldn't deny the point anymore. And although it was hard at first, the point emerged that we both, again, were experiencing a desire within the agreement, in fact the same desire, and because this was not achieved we has created this idea about it within our Minds about 'what it means'. and assuming how the other person was experiencing it and having all these beliefs about the situation - which only made our experience worse. Because we then cou...

Day 2 Here SO I got my internet back. Now we just need it at my place and we will be 'back on track'. Interesting point today while I was driving home from work - I was on the highway, just driving along. When I found myself not breathing - so I then began to take some deep breathes to bring myself back, out of the Mind. As I was busy breathing myself back to awareness of myself, I noticed I drove right back the exit I was suppose to take. I then had to take a much longer way home. This is interesting because this is how the Mind Works. It is a distraction we use to separate ourselves, there involves no awareness of what we are actually doing - we are just zombies moving automatically - not directive self will involved at all - and what happens, is we miss the point completely. We miss ourselves. We end up having to take a longer route back 'home'. Breathing brings is all back Here. Once I got home, I was walking inside and I realized the last few weeks I have n...

Let's try this again. I sat down and wrote my entry to my blog last night, but not while I was online. I had to go to another location to get online - yet it was not as easy as I thought it would be. I couln't connect - and then did something that now prohits me from even seeing wireless connections that are available. So We start again with this 21+ days of Writing in my Blog Process. No ecxuses, I saw how I wanted to justufy continueing with there were just 'technincal difficulties', and my intentions were still to place my blog - yet just because my intentions were there, doesn't mean it produces a result. Realistically - I could have considered doing my blog earlier in the day, and not wait till the last minute to take care of my self responsibilities. I can see I do this alot within my Life/World. Moving this week, I saved everything to the last minute, taking care of things that need to get done, phone calls, SRA/DIP work, I save it all to the very e...

My body aches. And while I was working today - I allowed myself to slip into the back chat of constantly feeding myself, "I am miserable". "I just want to go home" "I should have called in" My whole beingness - my whole presence was in a slump - and I could feel it physically. What what do I realize? Time to Slow down. Again, stop and slow myself down, because the last few weeks I Have been just running and running around in circles, needing to get this and that done - and completely disregarding my breath. Lost in the Mind - Caught up in the World. And so the Physical reminds me. Hey. Stop. Slow down. Consider the Physical - feel the Body. The Body that is You  - that breathes you and allows you to Live. And to bring myself back to self Honesty. Not just in writing - but  in things I want to do on a day to day basis. Take time for myself. Consider what it is that I enjoy - and to do that. It's ok to enjoy yourself. Be Enjoyment. So he...