Kristina's Journey to Life

Blogging - Day 8 What I see is people like to talk alot. This includes me. Yet what are we saying? Do we even hear ourselves? Do we speak out of expectation? WE talk a lot - about things and people and words just flying out - looking for someone to listen to them - to hear them - to validate them. Yet - do we validate ourselves? Have we considered hearing ourselves? I work with a lot of people that speak just to speak. And what they are assisting me to realize is this is Me - and sometimes Silence is golden. I no more speak because you expect me to. I no more speak to support separation. I stop and check myself before I allow words to flow from me - realizing my words are me. So what it is I am? Hear the words - what I speak about - what I think about - what I focus my attention on - Is me. How supportive I am for Me. Check yourself with Breath and Realize the words you speak Expose the Nature of You. Dare to See the Truth.

I haven’t done my writing yet today – and I see resistances in the form of the belief, I have no insights to offer tonight.  Placing expectation or more so comparisions on myself from yesterday’s and previous writings. Like saying to myself that other’s got specific feedback – or I ‘felt good’ about certain ones – and so I desire for tonight’s writing to be the same. Yet – this is comparisions. This is competition. This is war. This is saying who I am here in this moments needs to live up to a previous moment I experienced, basically saying this moment is less then another. Which is unacceptable and I do not allow myself to believe in this. As I realize – within every moment in the potential of expression, and to compare one moment to another as needing to be as great or as creating the same experience within myself – is self deception and self abuse. Taking away Life here in THIS moment – allowing expression to flow freely, without concern of it being com...

I feel like I’m full of shit. Especially with this writing my blog. I don’t even remember what I write about. I tell myself I’m just writing in the moment – but is this real expression or self deception? Because there is this expectation for being self honest within my writing. Like why am I afraid to be honest about what I’m experiencing within myself. Like maybe I’m judging my own experience of myself, so I attempt to hide it and instead write in a way to protect myself so that I don’t have to be vulnerable. Because I can see where/how vulnerability scares me – but why should it? If I accepted myself unconditionally, it wouldn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter. It does matter – yet I make it real through my participation within it. Allowing it to decide that I will not push myself to expose myself more or share myself more openly here. Vulnerability is the ability to be open. To stand here Exposed without shame. TO trust in myself enough to say yes – this is what I’ve allowed, but I tak...

I don’t write. I don’t want to write at all. There is like anger for having to write.   Because I am tired. And I still have to do a blog for today. My experience is that of ‘stuborness’ like want to just say fuck it – I don’t have to. I was working on some sra stuff and I had many resistances. I could not find any memories specifically to this one thing I was looking for. But also I noticed how I was having these thoughts of wanting to give up again and not wanting to be a part of the group desteni and wishing I could just ignore it and go back to my life.  I find that when I’m resisting something – I become angry too, like I don’t want to fucking move myself. Like I don’t really want to change and I get angry when I’m forced to do that. Which is bullshit. Which is unacceptable – and I DO not accept this of myself. I realize that the more I push myself to easier it becomes But I see how I’ve created myself to be so complicated and unnecessarily annoying. I just want to go t...

Day 4 Getting ready to head home. There are people all around me while I write this. And I see fear here. Because why? Because I fear what I have to say? Or am I still in judgment of it? like it's not relevant? but who decided? I have already realized - me. The only person judging this - is me. And so then it comes down to a fear of self. What i find so cool about this - about this writing process that I have been exploring - of just writing without any sense of 'purpose', but just writing it out whatever is here, is that it is assisting me to stop fearing myself. To stop believing in the fears that i do experience or judgments or projections I place onto others - so I'm realizing it's about me, here, as who I am, what I allow and what I am willing to take responsibility for. I'm learning how to let go. I'm learning how to trust myself I'm learning how to take responsibility I'm learning how to stand up I'm learning about myse...

Day 3 What I know - it what I think about others.. is a reflection of me. What I know - what I assume of others - is a reflection of me. What I know - what I fear in others - is a reflection of me. What i see is a reflection of me. What I judge is a reflection of me. What I think about is a reflection of me. What I care about is a reflection of me. Simple. A Reflection showing me every moment who I am - and what I allow within myself. My responsibility. Because it's me who perceives what which I see. Therefore who is the Creator? And who creates what is seen? Me. Sometimes I don't believe myself. Like now.. as I wrote the above - the voice in my head said, "your full of it". The above writings where here - an expression of myself, in self trust to just write. No plan or preparation - just typing. So why judge? Because I went into my mind about how others who read this - and what they would think about it - and then judged myself for not being more self ...

Day 2 Breathing is the best medicine. Although... I see how easy it is to become overhwelmed with a situation. I am in Kentucky, with my partner - who is meeting my dad and his family - who I have not spend a lot of time with - and I have experienced nothing but major reactions today. Projections of judgments onto him, fear of being judged for who my family is, becoming nervous is moments and acting from this starting point - in stead of simply being here, breathing, allowing myself to trust myself in the moment. But I can't help but ask myself, why am I here? What was the point? Is this a decision that supports me unconditionally and others. It can be if I allow it to support me. Use this experience to see where I'm reacting and what it is that is causing this - why do I allow this within myself - where does it originate? Here it is - THE experience I have - is this chaos outside of me. Showing me the chaos within. It's coming from all directions and I feel ...

So when I got home I went straight to bed. And slept all night. Woke up and realized I didn’t write my blog. First I told myself that I could just continue without starting over because it was still early enough. Then I told myself, no I have to start over. But I really did not want to start over. Because I have already made it this far. So I guess there is some disappointment in missing it. Like, fuck, now I have to start over. But what’s the big deal. I’m blogging for life – to support myself and others and life and to redesign myself. To change myself. To see what is really hear. But I see there could be more self honesty. More humbleness. Less fear of exposing myself and start just revealing the truth. Yet when I say these things or when I make a statement – I seem to always make a hypocrite out of myself. To prove myself wrong, because within days, I will do exactly that which I say I wont. Or take an action   I know does not support me.  Thus the Process of Self Change...

Day 9 And we continue. And I 'feel' unstable. And the reason.. no breathing.. only thinking. This creates unstability within myself. Because I'm not here, I am 'there' within my mind, within self interest, within fear, and anger, and jealousy, and pictures, and thoughts, and voices and judgments and opinions and words and... and is it worth it? No. It's never worth it, because once I bring myself back 'here', back to myself as the breath, I can experience within myself separation. I experience a lostness where I become overwhelmed or hopeless or whatever it is. It's not a directive action - it is a giving up on Self - on Life. Existing within the Mind is disregarding that which is Real. That which keeps me alive - that which allows me to Live - that which is me as Life. That is Self Honesty. So, it's either being Self Deceptive, disregarding ourselves as Life, existing within our Mind as thoughts and memories and projections o...

Day 8 It's amazing what can happen within communication. When we open ourselves to more then what we have allowed. There is a person within my world that I have had many resistances to. Maybe not ones that stick out to be so obvious to me like, hey, here is super reaction, or anything like that, but I can see where 'back chat' within the Mind existed. Always have a thought about her, or become annoyed or irritated or impatient in her presence. My mind always telling me it was irrelevant to stop and talk. Then - the situation was 'forced' for me to face. She came to me, overwhelmed and in tears. And so we talked. and I breathed. And I just listened. I tend to want to talk and spew and talk and give advise and talk and not let the other person realize for themselves, but me just wanting to preach preach preach my all knowings. (I know this is ego - I know this is part of my programming - something Ive been becoming more and more aware of). So I...

Day 7 And we write. So who else is responsible for what I experience? Who decides how I feel? Who determines where I go? Who  allows me to move? Who has created this for me? Me, only me. And what do I do with myself? I see how I create wars in the world. Driving on the road - it's always the 'other guys fault'. Looking at another - comparing myself as more or less. These 2 points specifically are obvious in my experience. And yet, it's almost like I seek it out intentionally. More so the comparisons. Partaking in behaviors/actions that create comparisons within myself - then attempting to justify myself with excuses as to why I am better. All of this done in the secrecy of my own Mind. And then fear for others finding out. ALong with shame for doing what I do. When knowing all along, it's ME doing what's being done. Existing as is. Creator=Created=Creation. Time to take responsibility. Time to stop. Time to try something new - because...

Day 6 Here we are again. Surprising myself with this. Still pushing to walk this through. And every day it becomes easier. I like this writing style. Yet careful not to 'feed myself' with it. It's easy to talk ourselves up. Or down. Or to do this or that. We have to talk to ourselves to make up our minds? Ding ding ding. We are the creators of the make up we wear as the Mind. Have you heard yourself today? I have - and boy do I have a lot to day. Yet not out loud - secretly it's 'there', private in the space above my eyes. Seems to easy. Yet I've found that this is deception. This is the destruction. This is the path to end life - existing as the Mind. And thus a Walk to Freedom - a Walk to Birthing of LIfe. Regaining and Re Membering who I am Here without Conditions and Self Definitions. Re Membering my place in Equality. Equal - As All as One as Equal. Equal as Life. All that is Here. No need for a pretty picture to be pa...

Day 5 What can I say. I don't watch the news. I don't really read the news either. Why? Is it because I don't make time for it? Is it because I believe it to be irrelevant? I can say honestly because for awhile I was walking around with this beLIEf that  watching the news - especially American News - was only 'fueling the fire' - meaning = watching the news, and seeing how fucked up this world really is, and see one disaster after another, and seeing the hopelessness and the helplessness - I thought - watching this is only creating more of this. yet I realize I was not being Self Honest. I was being Self Deceiving - Deceiving myself in believing that that wasn't me. That it had nothing to do with me - or that somehow it was separate from me and my Life - like it was it's own separate Reality. This is how we have created this Inequality in the World. We have failed to see how the 'greater Reality' as the World, is actually a Reflection o...

It doesn't get any easier. Although - I could say so. I didn't want to write again tonight - because apparently "I don't have anything to say" I ate a fortune cookie tonight that read, "Writing is a craft not an art" Interesting.. because this is true. At least for my experience.. within these blogs and my starting point for sharing myself. I write to sort myself out. To express myself. To share what it is that I am experiencing, to show others we are equal. To be disciplined with myself. To push myself to do what I haven't done before. To challenge myself. To open myself up in trusting myself. In showing myself that I don't need others to feel any way - I just need me.  And writing is starting to become this for me. Something I can count on - something I can trust in. A focus point I can always bring myself back to.  And I remind myself that I am making up the rules - that I need not follow any guidelines but my own. - This is Self Honest...

Self Honesty I tend to give more of myself to another and then blame them for taking it I tend to cry because you don't care when it's me feeling sorry for myself I tend to lean on you for support because I haven't yet learned how to Stand on my own 2 feet I tend to extend the truth I tend to desire being more then I am and painting the picture as such - wishing I was different, not realizing in this I am not accepting myself Here I tend to make it more then it needs to be I tend to cry wolf I tend to get lost in my thoughts as if they were real and then become overwhelmed as if I don't know I am able to stop I tend to not trust myself - therefore I refuse to trust others I tend to hide behind my walls I tend to exaggerate what is here - as if it weren't enough I tend to write in moments - without knowing what it is I'm going to write - and then judge what comes out. What does this tell me? I have always judged myself, the I that has al...

Day 2 I almost forgot to come here and write. How conveinent that would be for me. So today was tough. Tough in my allowance - and I allowed much resistances and emotions within my experience. I am starting the realize the importance of Self Honesty - in doing that which is true for Self, and in my case, it's my SRA work and relating that to time with my partner. I tend to in the past and some moment's currently I see is coming back, where I find myself not being able to balance myself in relation to my relationship/agreement with my partner, and my relationship/agreement with myself. I didn't realize this was the point - but it is. I realize it's just as important for me to be with myself, doing the things I need to do, taking care of the responsibilities that I have, spending time with myself, being comfortable with myself, because ultimately, I am always with myself, so if I am not able to be with myself unconditionally, then how can I expect to be with ano...

Starting the Writing Process Here. Fresh - new in every Moment, breathing a New Moment here where I can always start over, and re create myself into that which is dignified - that which is Real - that which is Self Honesty - that which is Self Disciplined - Pushing myself through to face myself as my fears and worries and anxieties - realizing they are not Real. Trusting myself to see how I have deceived myself and then forgiving myself for allowing such abuse within myself. I am Here - and I am Grateful. Today I start a Process of Self. Self Responsibility, Self Intimacy, Self Love, Self Trust, Self pushing Self to be something more then Self has allowed of Self. And no longer allowing Self Judgement or Self created Anxieties to decide who I am. Because I realize I am Here Constantly every moment of Breath. And so I breathe. 21 + days of writing here. Exposing myself - my experiences, my thoughts, my desires, my troubles, my strengths, my weakness, my standings my fal...