In relation to yesterday’s writing, I can see reactions I have towards specifically people around me who speak so much about others, as a point of gossip or simply talking behind their backs. I’ve found that I get quite agitated in such a moment because I want them to understand what they are saying about others, why they are saying it, and how it has everything to do with them, and not the person they are speaking about.
Also the reason of someone speaking about one person to other people, when that one person that is the subject of their discussion is not present. So it bothers me quite a bit when someone speaks about others when that person is not around, or cannot contribute to the discussion, cannot defend themselves, or share themselves in a way that can create understanding rather than when one is absent, the one discussing them can just create more and more ideas and perceptions about them that just simply may not be true.
And so what I can see for myself, in terms of WHY I react to such situations, is because in such the scenario, I myself find it difficult to express what I see in that moment… to be DIRECT and say to the person’s face what I see in them when they speak about others. I feel as though I cannot be open and honest in a moment and say, ‘hey – what you are doing, in speaking about this person that is not here in this moment, is not cool… why can’t you say this to them, when they are around?’ I mean if we cannot make such comments about someone when they are directly in front of us, then we have no business to be making the comments in the first place. This implies a deception and dishonesty – we are saying things we are not standing absolutely by because when they are around, we immediately zip our lip and pretend all is good. We are then a different person, expressing different things… and that is an expression you cannot trust.
So I have a problem with those that speak about people when they are not around, and cannot say those things directly to them, as a point of actually engaging in a honest conversation with them… instead they hide behind their backs and talk about them when they are not around. The REAL problem about this though is that I am actually the one that cannot do what I wish others would do. I am not willing to speak DIRECTLY to people about what I see they are doing… I am not willing to engage in a conversation that may support them to actually reflect on their own behavior. I am not willing to be self-honest and honest with others about what I see, and call them out on it, and offer solutions, or perspective that may cause them to stop and check themselves before they engage such behaviors again.
It’s not really ‘them’ I am bothered by for not speaking direct to people, and instead talk behind their backs. It’s ME bothered by the fact that I cannot do that myself. And why? Because of fear… avoiding conflict, imagining harsh reactions that I may cower from. Fear of standing by my own insights, realization and understandings….
So in the end… I am the one responsible. It’s not others in how they speak about others and not directly TO others, it’s about me not speaking DIRECTLY to others about what I see they speak about. I am the one speaking about other’s behavior behind their back… about how others speak about other’s behaviors behind their back.
Direct reflection of my self-responsibility. And the opportunity to grow, change, and develop my resolve to stand by principles that support what is not only best for me, but also best for all. When I stop accepting and allowing myself to participate in behaviors I see only keep me in fear, or dishonesty, or secret and ultimately conflict with another human being, then I can support others to stop as well. Though – self first… must create myself as a living example.
Will continue with forgiveness in the blog to come…
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