What I see more clearly since writing it out is how that has been a major experience throughout my life - always feeling I must and should 'stay in the background', in a way hide out and not make myself visible. The idea of 'stepping up' or 'stepping out' and drawing any kind of attention to myself would trigger self-judgments and this idea that I'm not good enough to be seen, or heard, and so rather stay 'in line' and 'in my place' of being in the back row.
This has obvious consequences in my life such as suppressing myself in a moment where I could speak, or act, or share myself and instead I will remain silent and as less noticeable as possible - there I feel the safest and as if it's where I belong, instead of realizing the abuse this is actually towards myself and how I am not giving myself the opportunity of equality; to actually share who I am here and not be afraid that others will judge me or define me as not good enough and that I am stepping out of place, but rather honor and embrace me in each moment and allow me to step up and take the spotlight when it becomes/is relevant/necessary for me to do so.
Another aspect I see of this, is how from such a starting point of me, where I accept and allow the belief that I am in an inferior position/a negative position in relation to others, I go into a desire to 'be more' and to 'be seen' and so can see how this very much played out in my life of 'wanting to be special'. Essentially attempting to access that part of me that I denied to myself when I compared myself to the other dancers as being better/more than me. Though the problem here, it was always based on energy (attempting to get to the positive), an attempt to move from the original self-acceptance that who I am is not good enough/inferior/less than others.
So now for the self-forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I was put in the back row of my dance class as thinking and believing that the reason of this was because I am not as good as the dancers who were put in the front row
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being in the back row of my dance class as a negative/bad thing and being in the front row as a positive/good thing and so react negatively/bad within myself when being placed in the back row
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret me being placed in the back row of my dance class as saying I was not good enough to be in the front, to be seen, and to within this, compare myself to the other dancers that were placed in the front row as them being better/more than me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to internalize the placing of me in the back row by my dance instructor as defining me in a particular way as being not good enough to be in the front, to be seen, and so hidden in the back to be out of sight
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about myself and judge myself in dance class when I thought I was being put in the back row because I was not a good enough dancer to be in the front, and in a way blame me for being who I was because apparently who I was was one that was not good enough to be in the front row
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from this moment in dance class, carry the belief/idea about me that I am not good enough to be seen and should rather hide in the background as to not draw attention to myself
I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to challenge/question this belief/idea about me that I accepted and allowed as a part of me when I reacted in dance class to being put in the back row
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry this experience/reaction as the memory within me/my mind as a guiding force in my life as a constant reminder that I must stay in the back row/background as to not be seen as accepting that there are others that are better and more than me and more equipped to 'be in the front'/be visible and so I should rather keep my place in the background/inferior position.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life, create a fear of being 'seen' or visible to others where I draw attention to myself based on this memory of being in dance class and thinking I was put in the back row because I was not good enough to be in the front, and so fear what would happen if I were to be put in the front/become more visible to others - thinking they would judge me as I judged myself and compared myself to others as not being good enough
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider the common sense of why I was actually put in the back row of my dance class, as being obvious to not tower over the other girls in my class, as I was one of the taller girls in class and would block the shorter girls if they were put in the back and so instead of seeing/realizing this common sense reason as to why I was put in the back, and that it was NOTHING PERSONAL, instead accept it as such, define myself accordingly and then live out this self-acceptance as keeping myself quiet and in the back as if that is where I belong
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself in relation to the other dancers in my class, and define those that were placed in the front row as better than me in thinking they were put in the front so that others would see them and not see me, as I was placed in the back row
Self Corrective Statements in the blog to follow.
Featured Artwork by: Marlen Vargas Del Razo and Matti Freeman
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