17 October 2014

371: A Moment When Self-Judgment Began

Recently I have been facing/seeing more and more the self-judgments that I seem to allow to prohibit me in every aspect of my life. Whether it's work, social interactions, an online presence, or in my relationships, self-judgments seem to be the one point I allow to keep me diminished and locked down into a specific stance of inferiority wherein the ability to move me, in whatever it is I decide to do, is hindered by this idea of me that "I'm just not good enough."

I see how much these judgments effect my ability to move me, such as a fear that no matter what I do, it will always be no good; like I will always come up short, missing something, and somehow worse than the 'other guy.' So perhaps if my starting point was based in equality and oneness, and not competition as separation, this experience would not exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the judgments I make about me/all aspects of me and to within this, accept and allow myself to judge myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge everything that I do as not good enough, or not up to par which begs the question - what and who's standard am I attempting to live?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as myself and all that I do within a starting point of trying to prove myself, in trying to be better than the judgments I impose on me, which become the imprisonment of myself as I see the hesitation my own self-judgments create wherein I do not trust me to move freely, to act, to express, and to instead keep me enslaved to the idea that it doesn't matter what I do, it will never be good enough anyway.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to exist within who I am without judgments, to see who I could be and who I am without self-judgments.

In writing this self forgiveness for myself today a memory came up. It was a memory of when I was quite young, before the age of ten.

Memory:

When I was in dance, I was always put in the back row. I was never in the front or center; always in the back, very last row. I started to take this quite personally as I felt the dance instructor was implying with her placing me in the back row that I wasn't good enough to be in the front, that in the back less people can see me and so would more likely see the other dancers in the front. So here I accepted comparison as well - that being placed in the back row meant those in the front were 'better' than me, and so I was not good enough/worse than them.

I can see how perhaps this was not the case at all. Having nothing to do with my ability to dance, but rather more a structural/balancing point. You can say I'm on the taller side for an average girl, and those in the front were the shortest in the class. Me and the other dancers that were taller were placed in the back, I'm sure as to not be towering in the front row where definitely no one would see those in the back. So from this perspective, I realize it was nothing personal, it was common sense, you put the shorter dancers in the front, and the taller dancers in the back that way all dancers are able to be seen; it was merely a common sense point.

Perhaps if the instructor explained this to us, I would have been less likely to have taken it personally; another reason as to why communication is so important. To articulate one's reasons and intent create clarity for all involved and prevents any unnecessary reactions/assumptions/consequences.

So a source point in which I've allowed self-judgments to continue to cycle throughout my life - a moment when I was a child wherein I reacted, took something personally, believed the thoughts about me that I wasn't good enough, and that there were those that were better. Throughout my life then carrying this as a self accepted belief about me. I will clear this up in the blogs to follow.







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