The last two blogs specifically I was looking at the points of how this acceptance of myself as 'insecure' manifested consequences in my life in terms of attempting to find it in things separate from me here, such as how I physically look or how I dress - so this point of the picture presentation was where I placed so much of my ideas of security, believing that if I dressed the 'right way' or looked the 'right way', then I would find security within this world, which really what I was looking for was this point of security outside of myself as to be able to bring it back to myself - it's like we separate ourselves from such words as security or confidence or assurance and think we will find them in these outside/external sources such as our image yet within this, not realizing that we are doing this because we inherently want/desire to have that existent within us - yet we have gone outside of ourselves to find it and thus our act of separation. We don't consider that we are it already or that we can live it as an expression of ourselves - that in fact our physical actions and our physical words and our physical expression can stand within that very point, yet when we project it outside of ourselves unto something else, then in expectation that 'it' will give it to us or provide it for us, we are abdicating the ability and power we have to actually becoming Living Words.
And so here, for tonight, that point exactly - how I've expected to 'find' security, confidence and assurance in relationships outside of myself. I've already set myself up for an unstable and conflicted experience in a relationship with another because in this 'expectation', I have placed an 'ideal' that 'he' or 'they' must live up to. Of course, because only I can give to me that which I am looking for, because we have already established that by going outside of myself to find something, I am actually implying I want to exist within me - I am just disillusioned in believing it exists outside of me. So in actually believing another can or must give to me that which I have separated myself from, I create instability, resentments and anger - because 'they' are not doing what it is that I expect of them, which is actually what I expect of myself or know that only I can do for myself yet we attempt to so strongly hang on to the idea that we are not responsible for ourselves, that someone else is always 'to blame', that we are not the one that needs to make any changes - we completely miss the reality of the situation and what we are actually accepting and allowing and thus what we are actually manifesting as our relationships.
Ever wonder why relationships seem to fluctuate so much - why there is this acceptance of the reality of relationships to be such extremes in terms of love and hate - why they so apparently 'unexpectedly' burn out and we end up resenting and resisting our relationships - because 'they' (our partners) are not living up to our expectations, our demands. We want from them what we are not giving to ourselves and in not being self honest about that and facing this truth, we would rather blame, fight and end the relationship then taking another look at the responsibility we have to what we have equally participated in, in creating the relationship as it is, we would rather walk away and try again to find ourselves in someone/something else. The everlasting trap.
Man - how many struggles and conflicts one could save oneself from if only we dared to become self responsible in realizing..... I AM THE ONLY ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT EXISTS WITHIN ME. Any emotions, any thoughts, any judgments, any anger, any ideas, any opinions, any movement within us that we project 'out there', unto 'them' is the greatest gift in seeing who we actually are. It is always, in all ways only Ourselves.
And so in this point of separating myself from self-security, self-confidence, self-assurance and projecting it unto a relationship as if 'they' must provide this for me - I am setting up quite a fuck up. I'm living in an illusion actually, because it doesn't exist 'out there'. It never has, it never will - it will never be Real for me if it's not who I am here. Because the moment I trust in an experience of self security or self confidence or self assurance that I 'think' another is giving me - I am stepping on a faulty foundation that will be removed the moment that person no longer stands as that point for me - the moment they leave my reality or do something that is not aligned to this point of giving me what I expect; "all of a sudden" the tables turn and I am in the opposite reaction as I am no longer being fed this experience that 'they' must provide - I am then enslaved to them - to what they do or don't do, what they give or don't give; I become dependent on 'them'. This we, alone, do to ourselves.
So the gift - bring the point back to myself. Be my own security, be my own confidence, be my own assurance that I will walk a process and commit myself to changing practically in this life to a being that I can live with, stand by and express as who I really want to be and that I see is best for all. The part of me that is Equal with All and thus does not need another to give anything, as I give to myself. And so as I give, for-give myself for my acts of separation, I receive and if all gave as they would like to receive and stop expecting 'another' to do something or say something or give us a nice feeling that makes us feel better, or to be the change - we would have a world of self responsible humans taking responsibility for who they are as equal participants and thus creators and we would have a change we would like to see in this world.
Must start here - Self First.
Featured Artwork By: Marlen Vargas Del Razo
The Journey to Lifers
Equal Life Foundation
Living Income Guaranteed
Take Responsibility for what is HERE as this world, within AND without:
DIP Lite Course (FREE)
Eqafe (Self Perfection music, books, audio, etc)