That is the word I would use to describe the experience I've had in the last few days.
Here I am going to deconstruct my relationship to this word and how I've lived it throughout my life, as I see it's a word, I've defined and thus LIVE as a living word.
First, I'll start with the definition of the word - insecure:
: not confident or sure : uncertain
: not firmly fastened or fixed : shaky
a : not highly stable or well-adjusted
b : deficient in assurance : beset by fear and anxiety
Well hello, story of my life.
In self honesty I can see that even with the changes I've made in myself and in my life - this experience of insecurities has always been 'here' for/as me. Perhaps I have been busy suppressing this and it's accumulated to the point where it's something I find difficult to change. Although that is not completely accurate either, as I have not given myself really the time to investigate this point/experience I've had the last week - so perhaps had I took the time sooner I would have already dis-covered the problem and so the solution - yet no regret or blame on myself here, simply stating how this point has been playing out and who I've been in relation to seeing this 'new experience' emerge.
Which, as I've stated, is not new. It's quite a predominant experience that's played out throughout my life. Not confident or sure? Check. Not adequately guarded or sustained; unsafe? Check. Not highly stable or well-adjusted? Yep. Beset by fear and anxiety? Yes.
So yes, this word 'insecure' has definitely been an experience of myself throughout my life - yet here I would like to remind myself and all that it's just a 'feeling' - only an experience. Although I have come to accept and define myself as 'insecure' and 'not confident' or 'unsure' of myself and so constantly hesitating and holding back - these are not actual 'traits' of 'who I am' or real parts of myself. Meaning - I see/realize/understand that I can actually correct this part of me that I've come to define myself as - as being 'insecure'. That is actually the responsibility I have. The reason being here is that I see who I am within living this word - insecure - and the consequences it has within me and within my life. It is not a pleasant experience, it's filled with anxiety and emotions and fear and paranoia. It's unsettling and cause for quite the conflict in one person's life.
YET - it's has an origin within my life, somewhere in my life, since birth, I decided in a moment that this would be an experience of myself - that it would be an expression of myself - that I would exist within and as this word 'insecure' and it would come to dominant who I am in moments, wherein 'it' takes control and I am consumed by this energy if insecurity.
It's basically the lack of self trust - the lack of self worth - living the reverse perhaps of the REAL LIVING WORD - In-Security, actually standing IN and as SECURE as who I am as Self as All as One as Equal - in seeing the security that is here, as the breath, as life, as the physical - seeing what is actually stable as this physical reality that I am a part of.
So the Idea of being 'insecure' is sustained through memories and accepted self definitions that say 'this is who I am in these moments and with these people and that's just the way it is.' Yet I see this is a program - a CONdition I have imposed on myself in some moment of my life where I came to believe that there is no certainty within me as who I am in relation to what is here, that I cannot be sure of myself, that I must be in fear and that I must not be confident - somehow I am lacking or perhaps even in-fear-ior?
Within living this word as 'who I am', the consequential outflow is the constant search of security outside/separate from me here. Whether that is in relationships or addictions or habits - I am constantly looking for that point outside of me that says 'I'm okay' and I can feel secure and safe and certain and there's nothing to fear. I use things outside of myself to 'make me' feel secure, to tell me I can be confident and that I can be assure of myself. The catch - it is nowhere to be found outside of me. Perhaps for a temporary, fleeting moment in time I will get that experience (that I actually define/accept and thus create within myself) of someone or something giving to me this experience of being secure, yet of course, because it's not existing as who I am, as a foundation of myself and what I live - it never lasts and that's no surprise, because it was never real. Being secure within self, being confident, being self-assured, can only exist within SELF. The moment I beLIEve I will find it in something outside of myself is the moment I separate myself from it and in that, living a delusion because I am thinking that's where I will find it - separate from me here.
So I see/realize/understand that this self-created experience within me, of being 'insecure', of thinking I'm not good enough or I am not safe in my relationships or am constantly having this point of anxiety existing within me as if to say 'at any moment your whole world could crumble because of you' - is my responsibility to sort out. And my responsibility to stop putting onto others as if 'they' must do this for me.
This point is specifically being revealed in my relationship, where so much of self is faced, yet I've been busy trying to get 'them' to provide me with this - pushing 'them' in not giving it to me - questioning 'them' as if they are not doing it right or giving me what I expect. And so I create an unstable self in relation to others and so an unstable relationship as an outflow of myself. Never allowing myself to realize - IT'S ME. Although I've 'known' this, applying this knowledge is another story. It's so much easier to blame others because then we abdicate ourselves from any responsibility, we wipe our hands clean of our experience and say someone else much make some changes. I realize I cannot wait for anyone to change or to give me a sense of security - because in that, it's not actually me giving it to me and so, it's not real. I would rather live security as who I am and I realize that takes a process - a process of getting to know myself, investigating who I am and my life and what I've accepted and allowed in every moment to be able to stand in self trust and sure that I am confident in who I am, what I express, what I stand for and as - because I'm giving myself the opportunity to get to know ME and align myself to become living words that are best for all and I do this through a process of for-giveness.
I will continue this process of redefining myself as the word insecure in blogs to come.
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