26 January 2014

305: CONsequences of Insecurity

While I was searching for an image for my blog yesterday, the one opening up about how I have lived 'insecurity' in my life - I was reminded how much more outflows of insecurity exist then I was actually seeing in writing it out.

My experience specifically was in relation to a relationship - wherein I was feeling insecure and as if I was doing something wrong or I was not adequate and this mostly coming from that point already established within myself and so from here, looking for it in a relationship. When that does not provide what one is looking for in such a stance, then the reactions come and the experience of feeling inadequate is seen more clearly.

Yet I did not realize the other ways in which accepting myself as 'insecure' played out in my life. I mean - the amount of make up I would wear and the time I would take to 'get ready' before leaving my house, the energy I put into what I would wear - I mean all of these things came from within a starting point of accepting myself as insecure, and the more I layered myself with make up and clothes and hair products, the more I was trying to hide how I really experienced myself, which was insecure.

I mean, the fact that I could not - that I would absolutely refuse - to leave my house unless I was completely satisfied with 'how I looked' says so much in terms of how insecure I actually was - I was simply placing my trust of security in the way that I looked. And in this, only fueling the fear and acceptance that without these things I was not good enough. It was clear I was not secure in who I was/am as a living, breathing being because I was constantly trying to live up to some ideal I had in my mind of how I was 'suppose' to look or how I was 'suppose' to act. And so I did my best to play the part and fit the role and to no avail.

I created my whole being to be consumed by this point of trying to cover up, deny, suppress the real experience of myself as feeling insecure and the more I did it, the more I feared it to be true and real and the more obsessive I become in trying to be the opposite.

So what happens when a girl accepts herself as insecure? She is willing to do whatever it takes to experience the opposite. She will compromise herself and diminish herself into believing she needs something to feel better, to look better, to be better, to be perceived better. All because the girl didn't realize she doesn't have to live for anyone else's approval and she can be comfortable, content, satisfied and whole as who she is as a being.

It's clear to see how our image-driven world would produce such people that value more the look of themselves than the being that they are and who they are as how they live - of course that does not matter in our current acceptance of reality, what matters is where you are in comparison to others - whether you are more defined as beautiful or ugly - and man, girls will just play the part. We will wear the clothes we think we must wear and do our hair the way we think we must and put on another face as make up in believing - that is what we must do. We don't even question it. We have a picture placed before us and our told, "Be this and you are acceptable, you will be desired and you will get the attention you want." And so we obey. Without this pre-written script, we believe we are not safe - not secure, we are missing something and thus we accept our own self judgment.

We have bought into the biggest lie and that is that we are not okay as who we are - without all the ways and means in which we try to feel secure. We haven't even bothered to check within ourselves to see if we are actually beings of integrity, of real value and worth - we are too busy pursuing this external source that will provide us with the security in the world in which we believe we cannot live without - acceptance. What happened to self-acceptance? Does that even exist in this world? When girls walk in groups wearing the same types of clothes and the same hair-do - do we actually accept ourselves as individuals? Or are we too much in fear and insecurity to express our own being - we would rather look like the rest as the one image we are told is acceptable.

It is quite a fuck up we have created here - a world of insecure people. Trying so hard to fit in and find acceptance, never realizing it doesn't exist in such a search.

I have questioned this aspect of myself in defining myself according to 'my look' - and it has been a challenge and a process in removing that which I had for so long defined and come to depend on as a statement of myself. Even removing that point of make up and shaving my head - I was left with the truth of me and that was a being I never dared or considered to develop - it was always based on a false sense of self that was defined by outside forces and feedback. Since walking without this point, I was left with no security as the security I had come to define myself as was just a mask - once removed, the reality set it. I had to face the fact that I never dared to create myself in such a way, where I no longer needed make up or a new hair style or certain clothes to make me feel good about myself.

And so, here another layer that sustained this acceptance of me being insecure. I will continue with this in blogs to come.

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