11 December 2013

284: Forgiving a Starting Point in Life

I'm going to continue here from a few blogs ago, specifically - Day 281: Seeing More of "Me" through MEmories - and the first memory I brought up in this blog.

It was of a girl I was in dance class with. Her name was Tiffany and she was liked by everyone in our class, including me. I felt inferior to her and so how within myself, I defined her according to specific things about her. Such as her smile - she had such a big smile with such white teeth and to me that was beautiful. She looked just like her mom and I remember thinking, "they are so lucky." Her family were wealthy, or at least I remember feeling like I had less money then her family and so within this defined myself as inferior to her. She was a specific point in my reality at that age that I used as a point of comparing myself to - defining myself as inferior to her based on physical attributes, her family and how everyone seemed to like her. It's almost as if because it seemed everyone liked her, she was 'likable', I associated my definitions of her as being the reason why she was liked. And so in that, I must have decided that these are the qualities that define one's acceptance from others - how others would like and accept me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Tiffany as better than me through comparison - seeing her as more attractive then me based on defining her smile as big and beautiful and to within this, feel inferior to her, think that I was less than her and she was better than me because of her smile and so within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positive definition towards a big smile and to within this define it as beautiful and thus wish to attain that which I accepted as being better than me as how I accepted myself to define her by/as her smile

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to define Tiffany as wealthy and think her family must be wealthy and to within this think she was so lucky because she seemed to have an easy life - being liked and being beautiful and being wealthy and so within this, comparing myself to her, defining myself as less than and inferior and ultimately envious of her and her life - judging me and my life

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through comparing myself to Tiffany - as if that is an acceptable way to exist, it was an automatic way of being - to see another and compare them as better or worse than me and then according to this, define myself. and so I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to use Tiffany as a way to define myself - judging her and thus judging myself based on physical appearance, clothing, family and wealth as determining factors of self definitions - of who she was/is and thus who I was/am

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within seeing Tiffany based on only the way that she looks and think that is all that she is and to then within this - define myself according to my physical look and think that is all that I am

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe the reason everyone seemed to like Tiffany in my dance class was because of how I saw her through my own eyes - as being beautiful and having a nice family and being wealthy and to then within this - define that as how one can attain acceptance and being liked in this world - through being seen as beautiful and wealthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store this memory within my mind as the image of Tiffany and thus the self definitions I accepted as myself through comparing myself to and use it throughout my life as a guideline for which I must strive, in initially judging, accepting and allowing myself to see myself as inferior, desire to achieve the polarity as superior and when placing myself as inferior to Tiffany, I saw her as Superior and all the qualities I accepted that made her that way and so I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to use memories and people from my past as the starting point for who I am, how I live and what I accept and allow within and as myself - realizing that it is a starting point within life that is of separation from life and thus does not support me or what is best for all yet only exists in this constant search of an illusion as the memory/image in my mind I believe I must become

When and as I see myself accessing comparisons through defining myself in relation to others as being inferior or superior - I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to my physical body here and do not allow myself to continue existing in how I've come to accept who I am and thus who others are and instead change my ways in the moment of not allowing myself to define myself or others within my mind through comparisons as I see/realize/understand that the definitions I give to myself through comparing myself to others are limited qualities and do not actually define who one is - it simply defines who I am and what i am accepting and allowing as limitation within myself and so I commit myself to remove memories of the past that I've use to define myself and live according to as acting out to attain something I have in the past defined as better than me and more than me and thus constantly accepting myself as inferior and having to be better - instead i commit myself to redefine what life is, who I am and what actually matters in this world, which is the equality of all life and not judgment, comparisons or being more or less than someone else

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