03 December 2013

281: Seeing More of "Me" through MEmories

I am going to continue here from the previous blog I wrote, "Opening up Inferiority and Superiority." I wasn't sure if I was going to continue within this point, however I just read a fellow destonian's JTL blog entitled, "The Insecurity System" which addresses some similar points I placed in my previous blog in regards to the starting point of superiority being inferiority and from how within childhood, this experience of self had been conditioned.

While reading this blog, I was looking at my own childhood experience and seeing if I could pin point this acceptance of myself as being inferior. Like the moment where I decided I was less than others and from there have slowly but surely created a character to live out as to cover up the real face of my inferiority.

The first memory was of a girl I was in dance class with. Her family was rich, herself, her mother and her sister I can recall clearly were so beautiful and everyone seemed to like her. It was like a simple acceptance of who she was and her role within the social relationships within my dance class peers and the mothers/family members. Within this, I myself participated in comparing myself to her - based on her looks and her family and her clearly visible dress that indicated a wealthiness.

This is one moment from my childhood where I recall having this experience of feeling inferior to another. This was before the age of 9. But I mean come on, there must have been a time in my childhood where I did not understand the concept of comparison - where I did not see another through the filters of definition as either better or worse then me... isn't there?

The next point that came up in relation to this memory of the girl in my dance class, was memories of actually being in the studio for my dance class. Again, I was before the age of 9 and I would always be put in the back row of the class. Usually in the back and to the left or right. Within this, I thought of this as meaning I was no good - they were trying to hide me in the back, I was not good enough compared to the other dancers who were put front and center. Again - where did I make up such a decision about myself - why does it seem as if that awareness of myself was so automatic? Surely it originated from somewhere...

Towards the end of my dancing career, which ended at the age of 10, they started putting me in the front. I would be surprised and honored because to me this implied I was 'better' than I was before. I must have been doing something right or they must have noticed something within me that made them decide to put me in the front row. Within this I felt special and grateful that finally I was being taken out from the inferior position.

I want to go back further though because again, these are memories of already established thought patterns that I was accepting within myself. I was already at that age defining myself according to where I was placed in the dance routine - defining myself according to the other girls in my class. Where does one learn such a thing?

I mean obviously a child comes into this world as a clean slate - as they say, "monkey see, monkey do" and so we have copied and imitated the accepted ways of being and who we are within this world from none other than our very world and all that consists of and exists as it. A child is simply a reflection of our manifested world - a direct mirror into who we are as we mold and shape our children to be exactly who we are, slowly but surely we impose and imprint our image and likeness unto our children through our own accepted ways of living. We teach what we know. And clearly what we know is separation, inequality, comparisons, competition, judgment and FEAR. Fear - which is the real experience of inferiority. And perhaps fear because we've never allowed ourselves to get to know who we really are which the children also mirror to us - a clean slate, a blank slate - nothingness and thus real freedom - not bound by any ideas or opinions, only curiosity for physical life and physical movement, real expression without any kind of fear.

I can see how from these memories, I came to accept certain personalities and characteristics within me - of desiring to be noticed, to get attention, to feel special and when getting/receiving such feedback - want to know why I received it, what was it about me that was allowing me to experience the polarity of the self accepted experience of being inferior. And also once I 'had' it, I wanted to flourish in it - I didn't want to let it go, I wanted to hold so tight to it in FEAR of facing the truth of how I saw myself, others and how I defined myself in comparison - I simply wanted to trust the positive side of the same coin.

This is quite an interesting point as I have recently had an experience in my life that, 4 years ago, I would have defined as 'my dreams coming true' - being on national television - and which would have supported and sustained this mental construct within me. Yet now I see where my recent reactions/experience to this particular moment that manifested in my life has come from. These memories - insight into me as the Mind.

This moment that recently opened up for me allowed me to see all these points within myself and give me a better picture of how I have constructed myself and a more clear understanding of how I have lived out the 'me' that I have defined as who I am, yet has been existing in a starting point of fear.

I will definitely dive more into these points in blog posts to come...

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