242: Standing Equal to my Ego

Here, self forgiveness in relation to the points I have been facing in the last few days and how I've come to see and realize it is an accumulation of a faulty starting point from which I made a decision of 'how to proceed' - where I moved myself into a position within self dishonesty. So this blog is in relation to the accumulated reactions I have experienced and in blogs to follow I will go back through the days in applying self forgiveness for the origin/starting point that created what I am now experience/facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to writing my JTL blog within/as a reaction of myself within the last week in relation to my blogs, and more specifically the points I have opened up in relation to ‘no napping’ as I have come to see/realize/understand the starting point from which I moved into that point and see it was within self interest, to prove something to myself and others and thus not within the principles of equality and oneness as what is best for all – instead based within an idea of ‘how’ I must move and thus dishonest as I was not moving here as me, I was moving from/as a reaction of myself/towards myself within my process/my application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and judge the words of my blogs in fearing that I have been ‘fucking around’ in thinking and believing that nothing of what I have written has been good enough and to within this, stop myself within continuing to apply and push and share myself as my journey to life

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to move myself within my process as a way to present to myself and others an idea of progress and to within this attach a positive energy to it where I ‘feel good’ when I am doing things to support myself in process, yet not actually supporting myself as I allow myself to go into a positive reaction in relation to it and then here comes the self definitions and judgments basically of myself and others and thus instead of facing who I am as what I create as what I share, want to run and hide away the moment I see dishonesty within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when I see more clearly the starting point from which I move and instead of stopping and breathing, instead I layer on the reactions to the already existent point that requires to be sorted out/cleared out of me – and instead go into reaction where I create more stuff for me – I see/realize/understand that as I move within my process, I will find, as I have already found, more and more deception and dimensions within me where I exist/move simply to get energy, to define myself within separation from others and thus desire to present myself as something more or less than who I am here and as I walk this process of dis-covering the deception that exist within who we are as our minds, instead of reacting, simply stop – see and self forgive as the reaction implies separation still, where I react in saying “No, what I have done, this is not me “ and thus not taking responsibility within who I am in what I see as my starting point as how I move and so within this realizing that in that moment of reacting I am separating myself from responsibility of who I see I have become and how I have lived and so here self forgiveness required instead of reaction, as reaction is more of the self accepted definition of myself as ego saying “fuck – I am exposed”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to myself within my process, where I see I could of done things differently and see I could have slowed myself down and could have been more disciplined in my breathing to stand within self honesty as to not create from a starting point of self dishonesty and so instead of reacting as still existing within ego, taking personally the idea that I will be ‘called out’ and ‘exposed’ as being deceptive or dishonest, see this for myself and as support where I am getting to know more of myself and how I can correct myself as I see/realize/understand that how I function currently and what lies behind the mind that justifies my righteousness – there exists deception and manipulation and ways to win and so here, instead of judging or reacting or wanting to even in a way hold onto this within saying “fuck, is this me?” – see that it is and thus the process I walk to stop, clear it out/stop it and forgive it and no longer accept and allow it as who I am as the expression of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the mind as who I am as what exists within/as me in/as the totality of me – as I see how I move within my process and moments of realization that I am existing within/as my ego – realizing yes, that is why I am applying these tools of self forgiveness, self honesty, breathing, writing, self corrective statements, self corrective application, because I have already seen/realized/understood that this world reflects who I am as a being and what I have already seen within me is characters and personalities that I dress up in as my ego attempting to portray myself in the best way possible – always presenting an image – an illusion, as all humans currently do and thus revealing we are not actually living – we are not actually life and so here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from this realization and from the process I have been and must continue walking to see ALL of the deception, dishonesty and illusions that I exist within – I must face it before I can understand it and only then will I be able to change it

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to so absolutely attempt to hold onto my ego as self definition and the presentations I want others to see me as, revealing I am always existing within fear as I exist this way so that others will like and accept me and I will have a special place and purpose in this world  – revealing I am existing within myself as a way that is not acceptable, as I expect others to do this for me, because I am not doing it for myself and if I were living in ways that are acceptable, I would no longer require to play this part as ego in attempting to get this from others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my ego in moments when I see more of me, as who I am within the decision I make, the actions I take, the words I speak – react when I see I was not ‘here’ or ‘clear’ or could have been brutally self honest but instead see myself remaining the same in protecting/not wanting to let go of who I am as my ego in fear of somehow I will lose something – I will miss out on something, when I already exist in such a way, as I suppress myself as the expression of life for an illusion that I have made up as how to define myself within this world that only sustains it’s current existence – destruction, abuse, manipulation, deception, greed, war, competition, comparisons, polarity and thus no equality - no actual quality of life

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that to react to who I am as what I see within/as myself throughout this journey to life as the process of walking through my mind to get to the source of me that is of/as life – is to separate myself from my own creation; of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become in this life, throughout my life – how I have constructed my self definition as ego through family, media, entertainment, society, language, friends – all relationships that are of this world, I have accepted and gone for the ride, creating a being that would be safe and secure in this world – and so as I walk this process of facing myself I realize to react to me as what I see, is to stand in separation of the responsibility I have as what I have created as me and so the first step is to stop reacting to me – stop separating me from/as my mind and realizing it is me – the accepted lesser version of me that I Have allowed myself to live out in this world and will take a process as my journey to life to deconstruct, get to know, understand, investigate and ultimately stop and remove all that is not of life as what is best for all – and so I commit myself to stop these reactions towards myself, towards what I see is here as me, how I live, how I speak, what I share, when I fuck up, when I fall, the decisions I make, the actions I take – instead I take it breath by breath to support myself within absolute self honesty in EACH moment, to be able to support myself to see in each moment who I am and the starting point from which I move, to no longer accept and allow the automation of how I have always existed exist, but to instead face the truth of me, that is of my mind, that is of this world and stand responsible in no longer accepting and allowing it – reaction is not responsible, it is claiming innocence – when it is clear to see in our world, no one is innocent thus all must become responsible and this I see starts with me.

When and as I see myself reacting towards myself in coming to understand and see more clearly the ego that is me - who I am within/as my mind and the dishonesty and deception that exists as me as attempting to portray an image and thus not living as life, I stop and I breathe and I do not allow myself to react to me, to what I see as who I am in moments where I am not standing in self honesty - instead I breathe and stop all reactions towards me as I see/realize/understand that to react to me, to what I see as me in moments that I act out my ego, is to separate myself and thus not standing equal to and one with me as my mind and I realize that I must become equal to what is here as me and that is currently an accepted lesser version of me that dwells in the depths of deception as my mind always moving in ways to be better and more and righteous in my ways and so here I commit myself to stop reacting towards myself as my mind and instead become responsible for me as my mind, as I peel back the layers I have created to hide the truth of me - as I walk this process and uncover the truth, I do not allow myself to react to me - instead I face me, I stand responsible for me, I forgive me and I correct me as I see/realize/understand that what must be walked is through the shadows of the mind that hide who I really am and so I commit myself to continue my process of getting to know myself without reactions or judgments or fear towards myself and instead as the directive force that will stop all of me that is not what is best for all

I commit myself to equalize myself with me as my mind; all thoughts, all emotions, all feelings, all reaction, all judgments, all opinions, all belief, all definitions - realizing that only once I become equal can I then become the change

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