02 August 2013

223: Finding Fear of Self Honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel/experience myself as happy when communication goes well with another that I place a positive judgment on it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the experience I have after communicating with another goes as I would define ‘well’ where there was comfortability and easy conversations – as being ‘good’ and positive and to then feel ‘good’ and ‘positive’ and so within this think this experience is me being stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my experience according to how communication goes with others

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear having the points of conflict come up in communication with others where I fear the experiences I have had in the past moments of instability and uncertainty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a relationship with another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I said some self forgiveness earlier in my day in regards to this point of fear of loss/losing a relationship – that I do not need to investigate further the points of fear and within this think "my job is done' instead of really digging deep to see within me where this fear is coming from as it's origin/source/moment of creation within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that because there is no certainty about relationships with others that I must be unstable instead of realizing I am able to give/live certainty as myself and push for certainty within my interactions/relationships with others in the context of what is practically possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I express in communication with others as thinking and believing it will cause an experience within another where they will end the relationships instead of realizing that this is a projection of my own fear of loss/fear of the relationship ending and so instead of projecting my fear unto another, take self responsibility in bringing the point back to myself and find out what I am fearing as I see/realize/understand that I only fear the relationship if I have placed myself into the relationship in terms of defining myself and my life according to it and so here I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self honesty with projecting my point of fear of loss/losing the relation onto another as to not have to become self honest and face myself and instead deflect the points within me towards another as a form of blame

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being self honest about the experiences I have had in relation to relationships with others and potential relationships with others where I have been fueled with desire and wants and wishes for a relationship and I want it so badly that if I were to be self honest about this – that energy is moving me within the point, then that means I will lose the relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a relationship when I am self honest about myself and my starting points and my experiences in relation to a relationship/interaction/partnership with another

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to think that if I were to be self honest about the points I am facing and my real experiences that if I were to communicate and share that with another then that will cause them to decide there should be no relationships - instead of directing this back to myself in realizing that I am refusing to face my self honesty and fear the implications of my self honesty and so instead of taking self responsibility, attempt to place this responsibility onto another and even victimizing myself within the interaction in giving another the power to decide whether my fears manifest or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear manifesting my fear of loss/losing a relationship when facing my self honesty as the starting point from which I have always moved/gone into relationships throughout my life instead of realizing it is a way in which I have designed/accepted/allowed myself to move myself, according to energy within self definitions as self interest and so within this I forgive myself that i Have not allowed myself to have ever considered changing my starting point as changing myself as the moment of creation for the way in which I move into relationships - removing the self interest as energy in realizing what is created from this is abuse and manipulation and expectation and not unconditionally living and expressing

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear my self honesty in fear of facing the consequences of them instead of realizing the ability I have to redirect myself as the directive principle as deciding who I will be within each and every relationship that i have and thus instead of fearing the consequences for my accepted nature - change my nature to then exist within prevention - preventing myself from continuing to exist as I have always allowed and instead change the starting point of me in relationship with others from one of dependency and need to that of self relationship as self expression, self acceptance, self unconditionally living for self to then be able to give this as myself in all relationships I have

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be influenced by fear in not becoming self honest because I am attempting to protect my self interest wherein I would rather hold on to the hope for a relationship with another and stay within the point of desire as suppressing the fear instead of simply facing the points, becoming self honest and remaining constant and stable within who I am regardless of whether there is a relationship with another established or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire another to make the decision that there will be/is a relationship and so within this place my stability and who I am as my experience in their hands where I see that if they were to decide to end the relationship/interaction then I would become unstable and want to give up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have yet allowed myself to see the totality of my experience in relation an interaction/relationship with another where I see there might be points I am suppressing and not wanting to face and so within this fear facing them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by the positive energy/experience I have in relation to my communication/interaction with another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a relationship with another to be more than the self relationship I have with me as my process and journey to life

When and as I see myself defining communication with another as 'good' or 'well' within a positive context/charge/association - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself out of the energy experience of how I am defining the communication as a positive energy, and instead realizing that this is a judgment and through this judgment creating my experience and as I do with positive definitions/experience I also do with negative definitions/experiences and so instead of creating instability as positive/negative experience in relation to how I define interaction/communication - instead I allow it to be what it is and that is real time, physical communication between beings and thus my interpretation and experience in relation to it is not necessary and only create an experience within the bubble of my own mind where I charge myself up to feel good or bad and according to this definition define myself, define others and impose my mental definitions/interpretations onto reality - instead of being real, here, breath by breath without positive/negative definitions/interpretations

When and as I see my points within myself that I go into a little bit and then think that's 'enough' - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here and back into/as the directive principle within my process of self investigation and do not listen to the voice in my mind and instead investigate further the points I am facing in making sure that I am clear from any influence as energy or ideas or beliefs that might direct me within my day to day living - such as a voice in my mind that tells me "I don't have to do any more" - instead I commit myself to realize that I should never trust my mind and instead find out for myself what it is actually existent within me - whether I am deceiving myself within the thoughts of "that's enough for now" when faced with a moment of applying self forgiveness and within this think I do not need to address further the point(s) I am facing - instead I commit myself to peel back the layers and find out for real through writing and self honesty - being honest about my experience in not accepting myself to give up/in at moments when I 'think' there is nothing left to investigate

When and as I see myself reacting to uncertainty in relation to relationships with others, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the realization that I have no certainty about another and only if I am standing within/as self certainty will I not be influenced by the idea of uncertainty outside/separate from me here and so instead of allowing myself to believe that certainty can only be found outside of myself, instead I bring myself to my breath, breathe as that which is certainty and life/alive - and instead realize that I must be practical in my relationships with others in realize I cannot know for certain how another will be/act in relation to me and so my responsibility is here within/as me as self certainty and so I commit myself to redefining certainty to be a self expression lived by/as me in each moment to ensure I am no longer influenced by the ideas I create of certainty being outside/separate from me here and instead support myself to realize/live self certainty in terms of who I am, the process I am walking and the principles in which I will live/apply in each moment I am able

When and I see myself 'assuming' and believing another will react to me if I were to share my self honesty with them or my experiences and will end our interaction/relationship - I stop and breathe and bring myself into/as the awareness that this is actually my own fear of loss/fear of losing the relationship and only projecting this fear unto them in the form of placing the responsibility of being 'reactive' unto them in thinking and believing 'they' will be the one to end the interaction/relationship and thus manifest my fear that I am projecting unto them so here I commit myself to stop all self projections as making another responsible for what i am fearing/experiencing as if 'they' are the ones that will do something to me such as 'react and end the interaction/relationship' and instead bring this point back to myself and investigate why/where/how I exist within fear of lose/losing an interaction/relationship

When and as I see myself fearing to be self honest with myself I stop and I breathe and I investigate why I am not being self honesty with myself as I see/realize/understand that within this I might be holding onto an idea/belief/assumption/opinion about the implications of my self honesty instead of realizing that even self honesty does not determine what I 'must' do - it is simply a reference point in terms of who I am and being honesty about that with/for/as myself and so here I commit myself to practice self honesty in facing the truth of me - in facing what is going on within me - in being honesty about the truth behind the prettier picture I try to sell to myself in the form of thoughts that justify the ugly truth I am trying to hide such as a starting point or a belief/idea about myself or another - here I commit myself to no longer fearing self honesty and instead embrace it realizing it is me

I will continue with more corrective statements in the following blogs...

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