Specifically - it's like I will plan out and map out something in my mind of how I would like and expect things to go. If I do not follow such a structure, then I go into reaction. Or if people in my environment do not move at the pace I expect or things in my world are not following the expectations I have imposed on it - then I go into reaction and it's like I cannot 'go with the flow' from the perspective of remaining constant and stable as who I am. This is done with/as the breath and I see I have not been breathing. When things are not moving or going in the direction I WANT them to go, as how I planned it - as really how I projected it within my mind, I go into instability and resistance and end up fighting with myself about it. Like 'this is not how it's suppose to be'. And within this then I place my self stability and consistency outside and separate from me here as I then depend on the 'plan' of my mind to be played out - when physical reality proves it is here and will not be swayed by the expectations of my mind.
So it's like I had a plan to walk through the memories - which I can still do - but tonight there is a more dominant point that is here requiring attention and direction and I did not want to share it or write it out because I felt as if I must 'stick to the plan'. Instead of allowing points to arise and be dealt with - becoming self honesty about what is HERE in the moment.
To be completely self honest I am not sure what 'the point' is that is here that I want to express or see - but I see that I require to apply self forgiveness for what has been going on with me and for the moment - for the time being - just be here.
I have come to realize how cool self forgiveness is at opening more than meets the 'eye' - as in the eye of consciousness - there is more going on within us then just what we see in our conscious thoughts. I have come to see the last few days how automatic reactions come up and I act them out and it isn't until it's over I am like WTF did I just do - or say - or question myself instead of walking in breath as myself, in each moment as breath to ensure I am not acting out the re-action of my mind. Specifically this relates to communication and imposing my mind's interpretation onto others words - and from here - THINKING what I 'know' they are saying - react. So perhaps this is the point here to see - stopping myself from ASSuming to know what others are saying according to how I read their words - adding my own interpretation onto their words without finding out for real if how I perceive what they are saying is so - instead of going full blown into reaction and then acting out from this. This always leads to self doubt and uncertainty because it's like 'who was I in that moment' - obviously if I have to question myself then I was not here - not directing myself - not breathing - because if I was, I would realize it was me - here and I would be stable - not in an experience of doubt and uncertainty and even shame for not knowing or seeing/realizing what I accepted and allowed in a moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read into other people's words as adding my own interpretation onto their words in thinking and believe I know what they are saying - as if they are not saying what the words are showing me - and from here react to what I see within my mind as the interpretation of their words
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to myself as the interpretations I give to other's words - where I think and believe they are saying something else then what I see as their words - thinking they are saying something else and so within this thought as back chats and ideas and perceptions - react to myself - to how I see 'what' they are saying as their words
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe in moments of communication with another as I see/realize/understand that when I am not here, directing myself with/as breath - then I am in reaction as the accepted and allowed nature of myself to 'read into' other people's words in adding my own interpretation to what they are saying - always within a state of paranoia
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not be here as myself, directing myself in moment of communication with others - where I will read their words, think and believe I know 'where' they are coming from and think and believe they are saying something other then the words they have placed and so within this realizing that this is a reflection of myself - where I have throughout my life spoken words in such a way, as a starting point of deception and manipulation as saying things for a specific reaction or to hide something or not expressing myself unconditionally and so when I communicate with others, because i have not taking responsibility for myself in my participation - project this onto others in thinking and believe they are not giving me the 'real story' or to have an idea about what they are 'actually' saying - yet never ASKING if what I 'see' is real or not - realizing that my mind as who I am has shown me such a story that I have bought into time and time again that I have now created myself in such a way where whatever I THINK someone is saying - I accept it without question
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to question others in communication as the words they speak in thinking they are saying something other then what the words they share - instead of questioning myself in that very moment - questioning whether I am here or not - whether I am adding my mind's perspective as paranoia unto the communication or if I am directive in the seeing of their words - realizing that any reaction is of energy and thus of the mind as consciousness and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to continue existing as consciousness as the mind's eye of seeing what is here as the imposed picture i have placed over reality - where I see what I want to see, according to my self definitions and ideas and perceptions within my mind that i have created through constant participation in thoughts and back chats
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose my mind's reality that is an illusion of my own creation of/as paranoia unto others and their words and to then within this blame them for what they are saying and lash out in such a way where later I have to really take a look at what the fuck I was doing - who was I - as I come to see the automatic nature of my interpreting words and how within this I create conflict within myself and in the communication and thus find myself unstable because I was not HERE directing myself in the moment as communication, with/as breath
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe in moments of communication as taking self responsibility for my self stability within myself and as an interaction with another and to within this realize that if I stand in such an application of being here, then I cannot possible blame another or project unto another something that is not real, because I am here in reality, with/as breath and so I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to approach communication from the starting point of my mind's reality of thoughts, ideas, perceptions and opinions where i have my own 'point of view' that I must add to another's words - usually as how I have come to define them within my own mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feel certain about myself in relation to this point and the self forgiveness I am writing - wherein I think I am not not 'seeing' clearly what it is I am suppose to be writing self forgiveness for as I perceive this point to be unclear instead of realizing the lack of clarity and certainty within me is created by NOT walking with/as breath, and not supporting myself with writing where I sort out the crap and the bullshit of myself that block the self honesty truth of who I am in each moment and so here realizing that if I were supporting myself with the tools I have, then I would be able to see clearly what it is I am doing and who I am and the points I require to stand responsible for
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see this point of imposing myself unto other's words as the interpretation I give them in thinking I 'know' they are saying something other then the words they place - instead of stopping myself in that moment and breathing and asking instead of reacting - like instead of moving/acting from the reaction - to instead stand back and ask for clarity what was meant as then I get REAL feedback and not simply accept the back chats in my mind that feed my ego's stance of being right
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create instability and uncertainty within/as me through accepting and allowing myself to speak/act out of reactions of my mind - where I react to the IDEAS and thoughts that come up in my head in moments of communication - instead of seeing myself in that moment with the support of breath to be able to stop the mental reality of separation and instead stand here, STABLE, with/as breath to thus be able to direct myself to stop the reactions and not express myself as the reaction as I see this leads to instability and uncertainty as I then go into a point of questioning myself and 'not knowing' if I was clear in communication and thus realizing that if I must ask myself "was I clear' then clearly I was not
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see this point within myself in communication with others - where I will react to how I 'see' their words as my mind's perspective of what they are saying - and then see the solution I can apply as myself in such moments to stop myself from continuing to exist in such a way as I see the dishonesty and lack of responsibility in such a point - yet then not apply the solution - the practical, physical solution to the problem I see within/as myself and so I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to apply the physical tools I have of self support to stop myself from continuing to act as a automatic robot that re-acts according to 'what i see' within my mind as the thoughts, back chats and ideas
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe my reactions are another's responsibility - wherein I will go into a reaction to how I 'see' their words - and then blame them for how I AM interpreting their words instead of realizing the reaction is within ME and thus MY responsibility - not another's so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to validate my reactions to others words through thinking and believing I am 'right' for the experience I Have in how I see 'what' they are saying as if there is 'more to the story' as something that is 'behind the scenes' instead of realizing I am the one with the something hiding behind the scenes - as my secret mind of back chats within the nature of paranoia in thinking another is not giving me the 'real story' and then make up my own story as the reaction to their words - not at all realizing I am MAKING it ALL up as I go - within my secret mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as unstable, unclear and uncertain within this point instead of realizing the process I walked to create this experience within me - where I did not utilize the tools I have of writing, breathing and self forgiveness as a way to direct the points coming up within me and now as I write this feel as if there are multiple points here to dissect or that I am not actually seeing - yet realizing this is an ACCUMULATION of acceptance and allowance within myself - accumulated instability, no clarity and uncertainty through by not taking on each point, each day into writing and self forgiveness as self support to create stability within myself, within my days as to support myself in the process I have committed myself to -realizing it is the most difficult journey I will ever walk and I do not require to make it more difficult for myself by not using the tools and support I have that have been unconditionally giving to me
So this is really the point I require to see here - self honesty - I have not been utilizing the tools I have as self support to walk my process of walking through the mind and as self change to the best of my ability and how I see I can, as taking self responsibility for every point as reaction or experience or thought or back chat or idea or opinion or perception or imagination or future projection I go into because I see/realize/understand that if I don't, I accumulate instability, uncertainty, self doubt and a whole mess as me I could I have prevented through simply applying myself within writing, self forgiveness and breathing.
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